Three Reasons
I just received an email letting me know I’ve sold another story – “Cinders”. Those on the “Felicitations” list (who get a free flash story each month) read it last November. If you want to be on the list (or want to read the tale again), email fellissimo[at]hotmail[dot]com. It’ll eventually be podcast at http://SFZine.org.
There are three reasons publishers take a long time to respond to book submissions (and yes, I admit #2 is paranoid):
1. They’re overworked (always true, but sometimes it’s MORE true).
2. They feel physically ill when they look at a re-submitted book (such as the one I’m currently waiting to hear back on – I know that’s MY reaction when someone I’ve read asks me to read the new, better version).
3. It’s perilously close to a “yes” answer – which means quite a large number of people need to read it (and they have to read the whole thing, too).
The moral of the story is: if your book sucks, you’ll get a reply in 1-3 months.
If your book doesn’t suck, it’ll take forever – and the answer will almost definitely still be no.
Hmm. . . that was kind of depressing. I’d better put in another cute picture of my cat.
Daylight Day 24: Bleeding Love
Ed’s Mum rang. I said, “Erm. . . Did you want Ed back?”
She sighed and said, “I don’t deserve him. You keep him.”
“Thanks. Thanks SO much.”
——————————————————————
And here are the lyrics to the song Ed was playing yesterday. It’s sung by Leona Lewis.
Closed off from love, I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough and it was all in vain
Time starts to pass before you know it you’re frozen
But something happened for the very first time with you
My heart melted to the ground, found something true
And everyone’s looking ’round, thinking I’m going crazy
But I don’t care what they say, I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away but they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein that I keep on closing
You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
Trying hard not to hear but they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal is to keep me from falling
But nothing’s greater than the rush
That comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness I see your face
Yet everyone around me thinks that I’m going crazy
Maybe, maybe
But I don’t care what they say, I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away but they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein that I keep on closing
You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And it’s draining all of me
Oh, they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars for everyone to see
I don’t care what they say, I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away but they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein that I keep on closing
You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
© WRITE 2 LIVE PUBLISHING
[If you actually read through all that, go NOW and buy yourself a pack of chocolate]
Daylight Day 24: Twilight Merchandise
I felt mean and gave Ed his ipod and speaker. He played “Bleeding Love” for twelve hours. Still not EMO, though after that I do want to cry.
——————————————————————
Yesterday I discovered something truly horrifying: a life-size silhoutte of Edward Cullen that lovesick teens can stick to their bedroom wall for that “stalker boyfriend” feeling as they sleep. It comes with Edward’s favourite words to the lovely Bella to stick on the wall beside it: “Be safe”.
It’s $60.
In other news, one of my friends saw an echidna in Canberra today. (We do actually get a lot of kangaroos here – but we only ride them to school on special occasions.)
Daylight Day 23: Story so Far
2 Oct
EMO used to stand for ‘emotional’ – the teen subgroup that’s only happy to be sad. Now it’s become a disease eerily similar to vampirism.
*
My name’s Bell. I considered being EMO once, but then I saw a pretty butterfly and got over myself. Got bored and decided to save the world.
*
This is the documentary tale of the brave few fighting to find a cure for EMO (or, failing that, a quick and easy way to kill all those vampires dead).
3 Oct
In Civic, Ed kissed me and sighed. “Oh, Bell. Cloudy days are so deep.”
“Oh no!” I cried. “Ed, tell me you haven’t been bitten by an EMO!”
*
He didn’t laugh once at our preview of “Saw VI”. I yanked him into a rare patch of sun – and he sparkled. My boyfriend had turned EMO!
*
Finally he confessed: “My mum bit me.”
“Your MUM!?”
He sighed, “Sad, I know.”
“Do you want to drink my blood now?”
“Er. . . no,” he lied.
4 Oct
On the news: “The EMO subculture has now become a pandemic. EMO teens can be recognised by their depression, dark clothes, and bad poetry.”
*
I walked in the yard just as Mum set some weeds on fire. “Mum,” I said through the smoke, “Ed’s EMO.”
“That’s nice dear.”
*
My name’s pretty bad, but my brother is Pi. He’s ten and wears a labcoat. I told him, “Ed’s EMO.”
“Hm. Can I do experiments on him?”
“NO!”
5 Oct
“Ed, it’s the holidays. Don’t you feel a LITTLE happy?”
“No,” he said. “Bell, would it be okay if I drank you – just a little?”
“NO!”
*
“Exodermal Melanin Occlusion is spreading fast,” the news said. “Symptoms now include sparkling in sunshine, darkening hair, and whining.”
*
Ed tried to bite me, and I tripped over another EMO as I dodged him. Bruised my knees. Still not EMO, despite my black hair and long fringe.
6 Oct
Still not EMO, despite drenching rain. All the EMOs are thrilled they’re not sparkling today (Ed almost smiled). Bring back the sun!
*
“Cheer up,” said Mum, “I’ve decided to have a wedding.”
“But. . . you’re married.”
“Don’t spoil it. It’s exactly what all those EMOs need.”
7 Oct
I was dying my hair when Ed called. “Want to play EMO baseball with my family?”
“No.”
He cried until I hung up.
My hair turned green. Oops.
8 Oct
Pi asked me for Ed’s old hairbrush, so I humoured him and brought it. He said, “Bell, I think there might be a cure for EMOs!”
*
Still not EMO, although Ed keeps trying to bite me. Awkward!
9 Oct
Mum said, “Don’t you just love weddings?”
“Does Dad even know?”
“Hush,” said Mum.
Our shopgirl wept quietly as she pinned Mum’s dress.
10 Oct
“Do you think a wedding could cure EMOs?” I asked.
Pi snorted and said, “Has Ed bitten you at all?”
“No, we just make out.”
Pi looked ill.
11 Oct
I saw Dad writing a journal and looking mournful. Uh-oh. Still not EMO myself, despite blood-starved boyfriend and lime green hair.
*
“Don’t let ANYONE drink your blood,” said the news. “Authorities recommend hitting EMOs with cricket bats. Stay alert, not alarmed.”
12 Oct
Ed wore an overcoat and hat to school. Our teachers freaked and put him in detention. I think he bit Mr Joh, the science teacher. Awkward!
*
Ed and I wandered the mall and saw heaps of decorations. Ed sighed, “Christmas is so deep. It makes me feel all –”
“Sad?”
“How’d you know?”
13 Oct
Mr Joh burst into tears while telling us about the reproductive cycle of fruit flies. Ed gave him tissues. This EMO pandemic is so wrong.
14 Oct
Maths class was full of sighs and weeping. (Life hasn’t changed much.) I was put on detention for being insensitive about life’s deep pain.
*
The principal ran detention. He looked thirsty. I shrank in my seat. “Tomorrow,” he told me, “come to my office. Bring your school spirit.”
15 Oct
I brought my school spirit and a cricket bat. The principal grabbed my arm but I whacked him and dived under his desk until the bell rang.
*
Still not EMO, despite listening to principal discuss philosophy for the entire lunch hour. Thank you, cricket bat, thank you.
16 Oct
Ed took me to a graveyard for a date. It was crowded. He licked me on the neck, and I kneed him in the groin. “Don’t you love me?” he wept.
*
Still not EMO, despite kneeing EMO boyfriend in the groin. Actually, that was pretty fun.
17 Oct
I said to Pi, “You know how you wanted to experiment on Ed? Go for it.”
“Thank you thank you!”
It was great to see his childish joy.
18 Oct
Ed called and said, “My Mum wants to know how you got that lovely green in your hair.”
“Well, I –”
“Oh, what’s the point?!” he cried.
*
Pi and I snuck over, gagged Ed, and dragged him home. He sparkled all the way. We locked him in the spare room with a saucer of rat’s blood.
Still not EMO, despite Ed’s slurping of his rat blood. He always was a messy eater. Now he stinks too (he owns only one all-black outfit).
19 Oct
Still not EMO, despite Dad cornering me in the laundry to lecture me on the meaninglessness of his existence. Hope we find a cure.
20 Oct
Caught Pi measuring Ed’s fringe. “When do you start experimenting on him?” I asked.
He said, “Soon. I’m gathering data.”
Still not EMO.
*
Pi said, “Should we ungag Ed? Mum and Dad are fine with him being here.”
“No,” I said, “If we did that, he might start talking again.”
21 Oct
Is being obsessed with Ed’s hair a symptom of EMO? Pi was measured it AGAIN. I wish he’d go into the sunshine so I could see if he sparkles.
22 Oct
“Eureka!” Pi yelled from the EMO room. I ran in. Pi brandished his clipboard. “EMO makes your fringe grow!”
“How is that useful exactly?”
*
Still not EMO, even though my boyfriend has better hair than me. On the up side, Pi stood in sunlight for me – no sparkles. Unlike Dad.
23 Oct
“Oh,” Dad sighed, “weddings always make me cry.”
“No they don’t! You always laugh at the priest wearing a dress. Won’t that be fun?”
“No.”
Daylight Day 21: Sunset
“Eureka!” Pi yelled from the EMO room. I ran in. Pi brandished his clipboard. “EMO makes your fringe grow!” “How is that useful exactly?”
Still not EMO, even though my boyfriend has better hair than me. On the up side, Pi stood in sunlight for me – no sparkles. Unlike Dad.
———————————————————–
If you live in or near Canberra, go look at the sunset. Now. Preferably from up high (I recommend the roof of your house). The clouds are thin as silk scarves wrapped around the sun.
Canberra has suddenly turned on the charm after unseasonal weeks of biting wilds, piercing rains, and constant glowering clouds. Yay for Spring!
Daylight Day 20: Blood
Is being obsessed with Ed’s hair a symptom of EMO? Pi was measured it AGAIN. I wish he’d go into the sunshine so I could see if he sparkles.
—————————————-
I have AB+ blood and my husband has B+ blood. That means I can take his blood, but he can’t take mine 🙂
What’s your blood type?
Daylight Day 19: Questacon
Caught Pi measuring Ed’s fringe. “When do you start experimenting on him?” I asked.
He said, “Soon. I’m gathering data.”
Still not EMO.
*
Pi said, “Should we ungag Ed? Mum and Dad are fine with him being here.”
“No,” I said, “If we did that, he might start talking again.”
——————————————————-
Questacon the National Science and Technology Centre is probably the most enjoyable tourist attraction in Canberra – especially the freefall slide (which cunningly demonstrates the science of gravity) – it’s a slide about five metres high.
It’s polished daily (which I know, because I used to work there – and we’d finish off the polish job by going down the slide ourselves). It can be scary, though – some over-enthusiastic parents have pressured their children so hard that the child has literally (and yes I know what that word means) pooed their pants.
My two favourite galleries are “Awesome Earth” (which includes an earthquake house and artificial lightning), and “MiniQ”. “MiniQ” is ONLY for 6-year olds and their families – others aren’t allowed in. It has a tiny bakery, tiny construction site, underwater sensory world (complete with mysterious squishy things in holes) and. . . . a water play area. Borrow a child, take a camera, and don’t forget a change of clothes.
Daylight Day 18: Poetry
Still not EMO, despite Dad cornering me in the laundry to lecture me on the meaninglessness of his existence. Hope we find a cure.
————————————————————
Okay you asked for it*
This certainly proves my claims to emo-ness.
The following poem is the first piece of writing I ever had published for money (on January 14, 1996, in The Canberra Times – which used to have a “Junior Times” section – when I was thirteen). Keep a bucket handy, people.
GOODBYE
Goodbye
I have to go
Leave you behind
My friend.
I don’t want to go
I will write
and so will you
But not all the time
Not looking at the blue sky
the trees, the water
the sea
Sharing happiness, sadness
love and fear.
Not any more.
We will change
Be different
not know each other.
I will come back
But not the same
to meet a different person
Be a different person.
I will miss you
Goodbye.
*Actually no-one ever did or would, but so?
The Fear
Yesterday I had an epiphany.
Everyone has certain friends they don’t like – people you quietly wish would leave your friendship group, but you know they never will.
Pause for a related tale:
When I was fifteen or sixteen, I had a crush on a boy. (Mostly because he’d fallen for me, and was incredibly good-looking AND incredibly romantic, AND one of my best friends). Since I was already deeply in love with someone else, I made the decision not to go out with him – but I was very tempted. I’ll call the TDH (tall dark and handsome) crush Fred.
Some months passed, and by chance I discovered that Fred was making up stories about mutual friends of ours. I was lucky enough to stumble across information that made his dishonesty absolutely clear.
I’ve never been a fan of people who make up lies (my biological father, apparently, used to do exactly the same thing – making up unneccessary lies that were sometimes less attractive than the truth). I quickly realised that he was probably making up stories about me, too – some of them based on true secrets I’d told him.
Trust is vital in friendship, but I realised I still enjoyed his company. All I had to do to remain friends was never tell him any secrets, and to accept that a lot of what he said was completely made up. It was like a friendship with one piece taken out – and it worked surprisingy well.
And back to the present:
Since I became a basket case, friendships have been a lot harder to maintain. There are two I’ve deliberately chosen to draw back from – one because her own anxiety brings me down the instant I so much as think of her, and one because I know one day she’ll get annoyed and write about my many flaws (specifically and by my real name) on facebook.
Three other friends have hurt me badly in various ways – but they’re very close friends, and deeply embedded in friendship groups I can’t leave. So for about a year now I’ve been struggling to know what to do – how to reconcile their cruelty with our unbreakable friendships.
Their cruelty didn’t bother me so much – my weakness does sometimes bring out a bad side in others – but I was very ashamed of my own inability to just let it go.
Finally I realised that I wasn’t angry with them – I’d forgiven them long ago – I was simply afraid, knowing I couldn’t trust them.
So all I have is another few friendships with a piece missing. I can handle that!
I’ll probably always be afraid of them, but so what? Sometimes getting in or out of my car is so conceptually difficult I have a panic attack.
I’m not a bad person for still having negative feelings about bad people. And now I can live with my conscience, I can endure them, too.
Daylight Day 17: Bell vs Bella
Ed called and said, “My Mum wants to know how you got that lovely green in your hair.”
“Well, I –”
“Oh, what’s the point?!” he cried.
*
Pi and I snuck over, gagged Ed, and dragged him home. He sparkled all the way. We locked him in the spare room with a saucer of rat’s blood.
*
Still not EMO, despite Ed’s slurping of his rat blood. He always was a messy eater. Now he stinks too (he owns only one all-black outfit).
————————————————————————-
Differences:
While Bella’s parents are a bit dopey, at least they didn’t name their daughter after a musical instrument.
Bell has a younger brother.
Bell’s hair is naturally black (then green), whereas Bella’s is brown.
Bell actually gets annoyed when her boyfriend is annoying.
Similarities:
Both stay with their very emo/EMO boyfriends. Both don’t seem to mind their boyfriend wants to drink their blood. Both are charmingly clutzy, and not the brightest spark in the fire.
Both have a horrible fate in store.
Felicity Banks 