That I am a Barometer
I think the high rate of Westerners falling mentally ill is indicative of deep problems with our society. It’s partly that we have too much stuff. Even without knowing other people are starving, that’s not good for us (people need a certain amount of struggling toward a goal to be happy). We also do too much – constantly driven to get MORE stuff, so we have as much stuff as everyone else.
Bring back the eight-hour day.
Don’t work all weekend (and be aware of what “work” is, eg for me going to church is work so I have a rest day on Saturday, not Sunday).
Give away more money.
And then the world will be full of hugs and puppies.
Or not.
Yet another up side to mental illness
I have found marriage FAR easier than I expected. To be honest, however, not a day goes past that I don’t want to slap my husband at least once. It’s all a matter of perspective (and he IS astonishingly good-natured, which certainly helps).
I think some mental illnesses make fabulous preparation for marriage. For instance, since everything in the entire world annoys and fills me with rage, I am quite good at sharing a house and room with a deeply peculiar individual (who reads this blog, and will be taking that as a compliment right now – as he should). He annoys me no more than my own existence, so that’s handy. Probably the toughest part of marriage is living together harmoniously – but since I’ve survived my own mentally ill company, I can now handle anything. (Particularly if it doesn’t involve leaving the house or getting dressed, which are still a bit difficult – conveniently, my husband quite likes it when I’m at home and naked.)
Mental illness also means you’ve already lost a great deal of what is most precious to you – your independence, your intelligence, etc – so whatever your spouse asks of you is relatively little, even if they want you to eat your own faeces – and, to be clear, this is not a request my partner has made. (NB: if your spouse actually wants you to eat poo, they probably have some issues of their own.)
Mental illness is also excellent training for being a parent of a teenager. Even teenagers can’t be more insulting or more consistently demeaning than the voices in your head.
Therefore, mental illness is excellent preparation for marriage.
On this basis, the best possible preparation for marriage is probably a year or so of imprisonment and torture. I’ll be recommending that to future generations then.
Cloud Wars: Full Story
New story begins March 1. . . and might just feature Jimmy Bind.
CLOUD WARS
Wed 10 Feb
“Mum! I gotta go make rain now.”
“Why can’t you get a real job?”
“MUM!” I switched off the comm and shot my payload into a full-looking cloud.
*
Since I’d cunningly forgotten to shut my lid, the rain I made fell right in. When the sparks started I cursed myself and pressed ‘eject’.
*
I floated down as neatly as you please, but the Eastern plane had already landed. They wrapped my own chute around my neck and I was gone.
Th 11 Feb
I woke in an Eastern jail – all concrete chic with a side order of migraine. Eastern cloud seeders made bets on me outside the barred door.
*
The good thing about being a nineteen-year old girl is that people think I’m weak. On their odds, I wouldn’t wake up. So I didn’t move. Yet.
Fri 12 Feb
When a doctor came to take my pulse I grabbed both his arms and twisted. He yelped but he quickly learned not to move – a perfect shield.
*
“We’re BFFs now,” I told him, “because today we live or die together.”
“Do I get to choose?”
“You sure do. . . is that a sandwich?”
*
I escaped into a land as dry as my mouth, and searched the dying fields for water without success. If only I hadn’t done my job so well.
Sat 13 Feb
A woman woke me, and I followed her into her home. She gave me water to drink. Then I saw the picture of her dead son – a cloud seeder.
*
She saw me looking, and nodded. “I helped you for his sake. You’re a seeder too.”
“And possibly his killer. Have you poisoned me?”
*
She laughed sadly. “I no longer care for East or West. Only sons or daughters. When you’ve eaten, take his plane. It’s no use to me.”
Sun 14 Feb
Dan stood over me – he liked to belittle his employees. “You lost your plane and consorted with the enemy.”
“I escaped. Isn’t that my duty?”
*
I competed for my job using the dead boy’s ancient plane. Two sleek Western planes dived for me, and I wrenched at the wheel with all I had.
*
The wheel came off in my hand. I swore as the green, green ground of my home rose to meet me. My second crash in five days. Real impressive.
Mon 15 Feb
Dan put me in the visitor’s cabins to shame me. Was I fired or not? If only I had a plane! The other seeders flew off, laughing and revving.
*
I awoke, miserably, at 2:00pm. Someone was outside. I crept out and saw six Easterners unbolting our cloud cannons. Filthy thieves!
*
I ran to our emergency cannon, and grabbed the air siren. Then I blasted the enemy with noise and silver nitrate. They fled; skinny shadows.
Tue 16 Feb
“You wasted our silver shooting at phantoms,” said Dan.
I controlled myself with an effort: “Perhaps I should be transferred.”
“No.”
*
When my room was broken into I heard my attacker above the pattering rain. He lunged for me. I rolled off my bed onto the hard floor.
*
I pounced on his sword and wrenched it from his hand. He kicked at my knee, but I dodged – and bashed him unconscious with his own sword.
Wed 17 Feb
I watched the river water rise, knowing my late-night attacker was in the room next to me, and probably treated just as well. Bosses suck.
*
The other seeders flew back and forth, firing again and again so the clouds wept needlessly. For the first time, I became truly annoyed.
Th 18 Feb
At dawn I dressed and went outside, shocked to find the river was now lapping at my door. Fortunately we kept our planes on higher land.
*
I took the air siren, and blew the first blast at Dan’s open window. “Flood!” I shrieked, “Save the planes!”
“Who – huh – what?”
*
Since I’d saved our entire fleet, I was moved back into the group cabins. Dan said I was on probation. Everyone else said I was a hero.
Fri 19 Feb
Probation Schmobation, I decided, and marched into Dan’s office.
“Hello Ann,” said Mum, sipping her latte, “you’ve been causing trouble.”
*
“Back in the visitors’ quarters?” I asked.
Dan said, “Yep. And on rations.”
“Thanks Mum. Thanks a lot.”
Mum shrugged innocently.
Sat 20 Feb
I moved to the top bunk as the flood waters continued to rise. My Eastern attacker somehow escaped (while MY door was locked).
Sun 21 Feb
“Congrats,” Dan announced, waking me.
I said, “What now?”
“You’re going to be our liaison to the East.”
“A spy, you mean? Do I get a plane?”
*
“No plane,” said Dan.
I said, “Mum’s idea, was it?”
“She said you were sneaky.”
“Fabulous. Can I at least sleep somewhere dry?”
“No.”
Mon 22 Feb
The flood continued, fed by our seeders hourly. I cut a hole in the cheap roof to get in and out. Dan was kind enough to let me have a boat.
*
“Your first job,” said Dan, “is to tell the Easterners that if they give us all their planes, we’ll give them a share in tomorrow’s storm.”
Tue 23 Feb
I called Mum. “Thanks for the new job.”
“What are mothers for?”
“Indeed. I may not see you for a while.”
“Because of the job?”
“Yeah. Sure.”
*
I picked the best plane – why not? – and scraped its wires until it roared to life. Dan came screaming from his office. I waved.
*
“Stop thief!” Dan roared. As I lifted into the grey sky, he slipped and fell face down in the mud. It was a good omen for my defection.
Wed 24 Feb
I switched the comm to all Western frequencies. “Ann here. I’m taking the rain where it’s needed – or I can take all of you down with me.”
*
Only Jed liked Dan enough to fight me. I’d hoped it’d go that way. I raked his wing with real bullets and grinned as I saw him eject.
*
Jed’s plane spiralled downward fast, spewing flame. A great gout shot up straight for me, and I banked just in time, coughing in the smoke.
Th 25 Feb
I yawned as I crossed the East-West border, and jumped as lightning cracked around me. “Nice storm,” I said, “now go do some good.”
*
Bam! Something hit my tail – and it wasn’t rain. I twisted and saw Dan’s own plane. “Thought you’d forgotten how,” I said through the comm.
*
He strafed me and I screamed as a lucky shot found my leg. I let my plane dive and hoped for the best. Dan laughed as he turned home.
26 Feb
Through stupid tears I spotted a familiar farmhouse, and glided into a landing in a cloud of dust. The first heavy drops of rain fell.
*
“Hello again,” said the dead cloud seeder’s mum at my window.
I said, “Hi. How’s things?”
“Nice plane,” she smiled, and helped me inside.
*
“My name’s Victoria,” she said as she bound my wound and brewed tea for me and my new Eastern boss. “But everyone calls me ‘Mum’.”
THE END
Yay for Parasites
I’ve always thought parasites were pretty cool. The symptoms aren’t so bad – it’s a lot like having my time of the month for two months. (This is why girls are more stoic than boys, despite being more sensitive to pain.)
Today I found out one of my best friends also has parasites. Well, parasite. Just the one – but it’s bigger than mine. Which is only fair, since she’s apparently been infected with it for twelve weeks. She even showed me a picture – and she and her husband are talking about names for it. She plans to have it extracted in early September, so that’ll be fun too.
Yay for Emma and Matt! I’m so happy for you both!
Wait a sec. . .
Why am I going without chocolate when there really is absolutely no point? I thought being sick would just make things more difficult, not less useful. It’s a vital distinction.
I’m going to go and get some. Right now.
Today’s recipe: Caramello Malteser Jelly Bean Feast.
Ingredients: Lots of sweet sweet candy.
Method: Combine and eat.
It’s sad, to have lost another month of being in the healthy weight range. But clearly it’s out of my control. So at least I ge to enjoy life for a bit longer (ya know, except for the constant nausea).
Erg
I wasn’t gonna weigh myself today, but since I slept in a huge amount, I knew I had a good chance of seeing a nice number.
Nope. 78.3 again. It’s pretty clear now that something is not working in my body as it usually does. I’m still gonna eat no chocolate or lollies until Monday, but this really is pointless misery. (Unless treating my presumed giardia makes me suddenly lose a bunch at once. Unlikely.)
There are two good things about dieting:
1. Losing weight.
2. REALLY enjoying food.
Neither of these is happening. Food – all food – makes me feel sick. But Monday is only a few days away, and I’m on tablets that should fix my gut in 1-2 weeks. So I remain homicidal, but optimistic.
On the up side, I wrote a really excellent blog entry over at http://twittertales.wordpress.com about giardia AND it’s got pictures. Enjoy!
Cloud Wars: En Giardia!
WARNING: gross medical stuff to follow. . . don’t read this while eating.
Regular readers will be aware that I went to China and Indonesia early this year, and became sick in Indonesia (I’ve been to Indo-land seven times, and become ill every time).
I am still sick almost two months later, so I went to a doctor. Despite the care I took (never drinking Indonesian water, or ice, or salad, and brushing my teeth with bottled water), this is probably what my intestines currently look like:
Specifically, that’s a likely representation of the mucus of my small intestine.
Those cute little guys are called Giardia Trophozites, and they spend their days “actively swimming” and making me feel sick (though probably not as sick as you feel right now, if you’ve got a decent imagination).
The most likely way I inadvertently invited these guys to an intestinal pool party is by accidentally (or intentionally, but I’m pretty sure I’d remember that) ingesting a small amount of “human or animal faeces”. Yep, I accidentally ate some poo.
The medication I’m taking is called “Flagyl” which sounds suspiciously like “flagellate”. The perfectly rational explanation is that it’s named after the four little tentacle-thingies that each of my new little friends has trailing from their backsides.
Hey! Let’s take a closer look!
So, in conclusion, here are some recommended slogans for Indonesian tourism:
Indonesia: Impossible to forget!
Indonesia: An experience that stays deep inside you!
Indonesia: Bring it home with you!
Indonesia: A great opportunity to travel, meet new people, and ingest their faeces!
Panic Ye Not
A few people have panicked over my “bad news”.
No, I don’t have alien growths in my intestines. It’s just that my sister (who moved to another city two years ago) prefers the place she’s now living to coming back home to Canberra (despite the nearly-but-apparently-not-quite-infinite appeal of being near yours truly). She’s my best friend and there was (until now) a strong possibility of her coming back here to live. But why would I even want her to come here when she’s more at home over there?
In the next five years both she and I plan to have children, and I thought our children would be raised together – as close as siblings but without usual decade or so of rivalry, violence, and hate. Then hopefully when we as parents were irrelevant old fuddy duddies, the kids would help each other to be smart, good people. Now they’ll be pleasant aquaintances, but without huge amounts of shared experience (just shared genes, and SOME shared experience).
It’s scary to think of going through pregnancy and early motherhood without my sister nearby. But in five years I’ll have a different life, my children will have other bestest-friends-in-the-whole-world, and I will be grateful for however my life actually is. I am sad that my sister and I won’t have the same depth of shared experience that we would have had, but I’m glad she’s settled into her new home.
PS our internet is running perilously low, so don’t panic if I don’t blog for a few days (although I’ll most likely just cave in and buy more).
Stuffed
Yesterday and the day before, I upgraded “daily crying” to “crying in public”. I also received some very bad news yesterday (the kind that really is devastating, and will have an effect on me for the rest of my life – but in five years I’ll be glad it happened).
But generally I’m less homicidal lately. Yesterday I exercised control over my world by swapping a couch with our spare bed, so I don’t get so uncomfortable watching DVDs on my partner’s computer. Today I plan to make him throw away stuff. That always makes me feel like I’ve made the world a better place.
The doc reckons I have Giardia, but also wanted to do some tests (particularly since I was super careful about not drinking any Indonesian water, or ice, or eating salad, or brushing my teeth except with bottled water). I’ll start taking anti-Giardia pills at lunch today.
Stuffed Capsicum (serves two, or one hungry person):
1. Slice a capsicum in half and scoop out the seeds and ribs so it makes two little bowls. Roast them facing down for ten minutes at 200 degrees celcius.
2. Mix a small amount of cooked rice with crushed nuts (you can smash them to bits yourself with a potato masher), chopped tomatoes, basil, garlic and a teaspoon or so of either cream, butter or oil. You can also put in tuna, cooked chicken pieces, tofu, or almost anything.
3. Flip over the slightly-cooked capsicum halves and fill with the mixture. Cook another 5-10 minutes, top with grated cheese, and eat.
Since I’m using my parents’ internet, here’s a picture:
Cloud Wars: Future Scooter
Still in the “mad science” vein, here’s something that really exists (but only just):
It’s an electric-powered scooter. And it still does have two wheels – they’re just side by side, instead of that stuffy old “one in front of the other” thing.
It’s toally simple to drive – once you get it balanced. Reassured, everyone?
It’s battery powered and can reach about 60 kilometres an hour. And that’s just the prototype.
Felicity Banks 