S#11: Paper Hat
Last night I took the entertainment section of the paper and made it more entertaining.
CJ was kind enough to also model for me.
The heading reads “Disney’s Last Princess”. It was quite an interesting article, saying that little girls no longer want to be princesses (unless they’re under five). Apparently “look pretty and find a man” (or its corollary, “look dashing and find a girl”) is no longer considered a universal goal.
I can think of one obvious exception to that rule (in which “look pretty” becomes “have extra-tasty blood”) but let’s ignore that and be encouraged.
To my fellow writers: Please, for the sake of all that is good in the world, write interesting, active protagonists.
Your homework: Read “Sabriel” by Garth Nix (PG/M for gore and violence). In my opinion, it is the best book ever written.
Gilmore Girls Don’t Blink
Late last night, I finished an epic journey. I finished all seven seasons of “The Gilmore Girls”. I learnt that:
1. People will like you for being you, even if you’re an incredibly snooty Frenchman with a weakness for Celine Dion.
2. Life is a lot less complicated if you don’t constantly lie about incredibly minor matters.
3. Watching a show in which the two title characters are constantly binge eating, and two other central characters are professional cooks/chefs – is not a good idea while dieting.
It was good, though. But, like holidays, the best part is when it’s over. And I lost 7 kilos over 6 weeks, which was the maximum I could have hoped for.
In other news (this will only interest fans of the reasonably recent Doctor Who), yesterday I was at the home of someone I’ve been tutoring for a year and a half. I glanced around, and I SAW THIS:
It was just outside the door, and I swear I’ve never seen it before.
But there’s more.
Last week my student was sick with the flu. At one stage, her parents found her in her room (probably within a metre of where I was sitting when I took that photo) staring straight ahead of her. When they tried to speak to her, she became agitated and said, “They’re coming. They’re coming to get me.”
She only calmed down when her dad stood in the doorway. . . blocking her from the angels.
#233: Jump in Puddles
I’ve been planning this for a long while, and since most of Australia seems to be raining at the moment, many of you can play along at home! Huzzah!
I put on my trusty crocs and ventured outside. After looking around shiftily at the neighbour’s windows, and pretending to check my mail, I ran and jumped in giant puddles all over the place, and under a broken gutter that was waterfalling merrily.
And then I was extremely wet, and I went inside and had a shower. Thus ends the tale.
Someone else has taken over the zombie plans, and it’s on for February 5. Double huzzah! Corpse-like makeup party at my place before we go!
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=169614359728376
From smileosmile.com, today’s piracy:
#232: Report
So today (two days early, but a full 7 kilos lighter) I finished the six weeks of no-chocolate-for-Louise.
Kilos lost: 7
Bouts of uncontrollable violence: Three (only one thing is still broken, although some bruises are still coming up*)
Ratio of days spent crying to days without crying: 1:4
Seasons of Gilmore Girls watched: 1 per week for all 6 weeks.**
Kilos left to lose to put me in the healthy weight range: 3
Kilos left to lose to put me in my normal weight range: 10
What we’ve learnt: Daily binges are bad.
Chocolate consumed today: 100 grams, and a Goodberries concrete with maltesers, peanut butter cups, and cookie dough.
Future plans: I’m going to try and lose three more kilos this year. I’ll have to be really really tightly under control to eat limited chocolate without bingeing.
I think I can afford about one binge a month in regular life, and once January comes I’ll start working out how much chocolate I can have in a day without gaining weight. Because there’s no way I can go without chocolate long-term. And if I want to start a family in the next few years, I can’t go back on anti-depressants.
Yarrrr.
But today and tomorrow I can have chocolate.
Image taken from theconnectedlawyer.com
*on me, not on any other person. So that’s. . . better than the alternative.
**And just found out there are seven seasons and FREAKED OUT. Watching season 7 as I type, and will probably finish it (like season six) in two days. I CAN’T TAKE ALL THIS CHARMING SMALL-TOWN TENSION ANY MORE.
I told my mum-in-law I’d watched six seasons in six weeks and she said, “Oh really? You know what’s really handy when you can’t sleep? The Gilmore Girls alphabet. A is for April, B is for Babbet, C is for Christopher. . . . . I never get all the way to Z.”
FYI
What do we want?
Braaaaiiiiiinnnns
When do we want ’em?
Braaaaiiiiinnnnnsss
Sadly, it turns out that the whole “if you want something done, do it yourself” applies to undead hordes just the same as the rest of us.
The organiser-lady of hundreds of zombies cancelled at the last moment. And then CJ was booked (through no fault of his own).
So, later on (January perhaps), I’ll be organising my own zombie walk. I’ll let you know when.
#234: Place an ad (or three)
I just applied to have these three classified printed in The Canberra Times in one week’s time. Given the limit of 60 characters, my twitter writing have finally paid off. Keep an eye out next Saturday, if you read The Canberra Times.
Time machine. Warranty good to 2950. Will only go backward
Pet dodo, slightly used. Answers to “Bobo”.
Pre-loved husband. Does dishes; cooks; slightly forgetful.
From spaciousplanet.com, some ladies who are not for sale:
For the record, CJ is NOT for sale. Not even for chocolate.
We’ll be dressing as zombies tonight, so the photos will happen here tomorrow.
“The Captain’s Daughter” full story
1
I curled my toes around the narrow foot-rope, and dug my nails into the knot tying up the sail. No good; I bite my nails too much. On the up side, my teeth are good. I leaned into the wind and pulled at the knot with my teeth. Spitting fibers, I pulled the rope free.
Da’s first mate, Hank, met me on deck. He said, “You’re disgusting, Gail. Biting at ropes like a dog.”
“At least I don’t look like one.”
2
Da called me to his cabin. “Sir?” I said.
He said, “In here, call me Da.”
“Yes Da.”
“You’re old enough now to think of your future.”
“Oh.” My heart sank. I bit my nails, wondering if he’d marry me off.
He cleared his throat: “I want you to be captain after me.”
“What?”
He said, “The men know you – and I won’t live forever.”
I said, “You WILL live forever, Da – I order it.”
He grinned: “Whatever you say.”
3
We neared a familiar port. I held the lead line – mainly so I could sit apart from the rest and wonder if they’d really obey me one day. The cord ran through my hands and stopped. I stared for a second before realising the harbour floor had shifted. “Avast! Turn about!”
My friend Jim was on the wheel, and he pulled hard. The ship wailed as it turned too hard, but we made it safely. Jim, at least, obeyed me.
4
I still wanted to think, so I stayed on board while the rest went to spend their gold or line their pockets with other people’s purses. Da came back with a red-faced and slouching boy who wouldn’t meet my eye. He introduced my brother, Al.
Al said, “I’m gonna be captain.”
“No you ain’t!” I said.
He threw a punch and I threw it back, giving him a nice bloody nose with his own fist. Da sent me to the hold.
5
Da came to me: “I didn’t know about Al until now – and Hank said the men’d be ashamed to let a woman lead them. He knows the crew, Gail.”
I shook my head at him, too furious to speak.
Da said, “It’ll be better this way – you’ll see. We’ll find a place for you.”
Da left, and I fumed. The ship was mine, and no long-lost landlubber kid was going to take it from me. I was NOT going to be married off!
6
A dash of bilgewater poured into my face, waking me. I couldn’t help noticing the ship was heeling badly. Above me, thunder rolled. I watched as rats leapt and scuttled up the walls, leaving the bilgewater and I alone. Hm.
I climbed on top of some crates and held on.
7
The hatch opened and Al peered in, munching on a fresh red apple. My stomach growled.
“Our Da sent me to let you out,” he said. “There’s a big storm happening. I wouldn’t want my baby sister to get hurt.” He closed the hatch, and I heard the lock turn.
“Baby?” I muttered, and followed the rats upward. Da had long since taught me to undo any lock. If he said I was allowed out, I was free.
8
I was tugging on a line with Al when we were all tumbled by a rogue wave. Most of us were smart enough to hold on. Al wasn’t. I let go and dived for my landlubber half-brother, and caught hold of his curly red hair just before he was swept overboard.
When the wave was gone, I let go of Al’s hair and went to tie up the sails. He got up – slowly. We both knew I’d saved his life.
9
Al and I worked and I saw Da nod an apology to me. He’d taught me long ago that sometimes, a captain needs to turn a blind eye. I got that.
We made port at Tin Island – the place Da found me when I was just a kid. The orphanage stood majestically shining on a high hill.
10
Da summoned all hands. “As you are aware, I now know I have two able-bodied children. I intend to leave this ship to one of them. Here is the challenge: Whichever one gains the most gold in the next two weeks will be my heir. Are we agreed?” The crew cheered.
I gave Da a nod of thanks, and he grinned back. All I had to do was get more gold, and the crew’s hearts and minds were mine forever.
11
Da found me in the market and asked me to come with him. We walked all the way up the winding orphanage path, past children working. “Why bring me back to this hole?” I asked.
Da said, “Sometimes, our future is found in the past.”
He left me at the same place Ma dumped me.
My old mistress tried to sell me a “good, hard-working set of twins” and I said I’d think about it. I slipped the kids a few coins and fled.
12
I suddenly realised why Da had reminded me of my past. Rope in hand, I went back up the hill to the orphanage and climbed the back wall. The strongboxes were where I remembered them. Mistress had punished me once by making me count out all the gold coins in one trunk. Mistress’ Dobermans ran to attack, but the mum remembered me. I’d always treated her well.
I took as much gold as I could carry.
13
I presented my haul publicly, and promised the same again. Da hid his smile. I saw cogs turning in the heads of the crew, and knew I’d won.
Al took me aside: “This is a fool’s contest. What say we get rid of the greedy old man and take this ship as ours.”
“No!”
He drew his sword. I grabbed his blade with my hand and kneed him in the groin. He pulled back, splitting my palm, and bashed my head with the hilt. I fell.
14
When I awoke, Hank was there. I blinked: “Why are we in the hold?”
“Because your brother bribed me to kill you while your Da was with him.”
I said, “You like bribes, then?”
Hank smiled and drew his sword.
I said, “Let me go, and I’ll tell you where I got all that gold.”
I went up on deck smiling.
Hank was honorable enough to leave my death for later. I hoped he enjoyed meeting my old mistress’ Doberman.
15
I hadn’t seen Al, and hoped he’d fled to make a different life for himself. But I had a bad feeling, and went to check on Da. I unpicked the lock and flung open the door to my exhausted Da and brother, each bleeding in a dozen places. I yelled my rage and attacked.
Al fled.
Da collapsed, and I ran to him instead of giving chase. “Gail, I’m so sorry – for everything.”
“Shut up,” I said, and bandaged him.
16
There was no sign of Al when we set sail. I privately hoped my old mistress found him.
“Where’s Hank?” Da asked.
I said, “Dog food.”
17
Da surprised me by officially passing across captaincy of his ship to me. The crew cheered – evidently, I was the last to know. I straightened up, accepting my new life. Jim winked, and I wondered if he was being disrespectful. He confused me. That could be an issue.
18
I made Da keep his cabin, but we were both on night watch so it didn’t matter. Not until we finished, and found a corpse locked in there.
Kip was just another member of the crew until I found him stabbed in the captain’s cabin. Who would do something like that?
Our cook ran out of the galley. “Who took my apples? They were for a pie for all of us. Where are they?”
Suddenly I knew: Al was a stowaway.
19
We searched the ship room by room and found another dead body – stabbed in the back. Al was a coward as well as a killer. But it got worse. The crew took Da and I and locked us inside Da’s cabin. “If you can’t protect us, we’ll take Al over you,” they said.
Jim didn’t look at me.
Da and I stood with clenched fists, waiting for Al’s visit. We heard him pass, but he didn’t visit – not even to gloat.
20
Al came to see us: “Will you obey my command?”
“Not a chance,” I said.
Da tried to stand in front of me, so he’d be killed first.
Al left us to stew all day. Someone snuck a dagger under the door, and I hid it under my shirt and hoped it wouldn’t come to that.
“Gail?” said Da.
I said, “Mm?”
“Did I mention I was sorry about your brother? From about a day after we met?”
“I had gotten that feeling.”
21
Al woke us before dawn and threw us in the lifeboat. I saw a blur on the horizon, so we rowed for that.
22
We landed on the island and plunged fully-clothed into a trickle of fresh water near the beach. Before we’d drunk our fill, I faced a spear.
I stood up slowly, and Da and I raised our hands. The locals took us to their village, tied us up, and put us in a bamboo cage.
“Could be worse,” said Da. I said, “Oh yes? How?” “Umm. . . give me a minute. I’ll think of something.”
23
I woke from a cramped sleep as someone tugged on my bound hands. It was Jim. “Sorry you went through so much – I had to make Al trust me.”
Once my hands were free, I was able to cut through the other ropes. Da looked like he’d been crying. “What now, Captain?” they asked me.
“That landlubber took my ship. And my gold. And my crew. Let’s steal another ship from these friendly locals and take back what’s mine.”
24
With my dagger, Jim’s sword, and Da’s rage we had our choice of ships. Given the state of our hands, we took one with a sail.
We cut a good wake through the green waves, and I asked Jim how he’d found us. “I made a raft,” he said, “and hoped.” He looked at me funny.
“I can tell you want something,” I said. Jim said, “I was hoping to be your first mate. In every sense.”
“Oh!”
Da hastily rearranged ropes.
25
We had no lights but my ship did, so she was easy to find. They’d weighed their sea anchor so we crept up alongside and climbed the sides.
I saw Al’s hateful curly hair immediately in front of me, and the bland faces of several crew members facing me – and therefore him.
My old crew didn’t blink as Jim and I drew our weapons and grabbed Al. When we had him tied, they cheered – and begged my forgiveness.
26
We cut the sail off our new boat and put Al on board before shoving it away and sailing off. He railed at us, and we turned away.
As we left, I grabbed a single red apple and tossed it after him. After all, he was my brother.
27
I named Jim as first mate, and my fickle crew rejoiced. But I knew how to make them loyal. Jim loudly asked me where I wanted to go.
I shouted back, “You know what they say – diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Let’s find friends for all of us.”
“Aye aye, Captain,” he said.
THE END
#250: Dress up for a date
I dressed all fancy-pants for a date with CJ at 6pm tonight – I’m going straight from work. Tried on outfits and everything.
See you soon, CJ.
No time for pirate pics – I have a date.
PS zombie walk tomorrow!
S#9: Laugh
For today’s awesomeness I watched Bill Bailey’s “Cosmic Jam”. Right now the song “Human Slaves in an Insect Nation” is in my head. I love that Bailey used to play piano in a restaurant – hating every minute, and eventually getting fired. I also love that he’s weird and funny and (mostly) clean – and that it’s clear he just loves his life. I can’t remember much but incoherent snippets from the DVD, although I do recall that marijuana featured every few moments.
Oh! And a piece of advice: “Never take powerful hallucinogens and then go to the supermarket.”
Thanks Bill.
From comminfo.rutgers.edu, here’s. . . something:
Oh! And we finally sold one of the pieces of jewellery – enough to definitely stave off crisis for at least a week. Yay!
#230: Tinfoil Hat
Ben (who else?) suggested I do something paranoid for a day. I decided to go with the classic – you know, so the government agents watching me can’t read my thoughts.
Can you read my thoughts in the above photo? If not, then it worked.
I wore this hat while watching “Gilmore Girls”, riding on my exercise bike, and hanging out washing. Then I realised the government agents watching me mustn’t know that I know they’re there. So I thought up the cunning disguise you see below (worn over the tinfoil hat):
Take that, The Man!
I wore it grocery shopping, I’m about to wear it to work, and I’m wearing it right now. (If you can’t read my thoughts, it’s working.)
If you think my thoughts are, “Oh, I look like SUCH an idiot” then – well. . . uh. . . I guess I need more tinfoil.
Speaking of segueways, here’s Helena Bonham Carter looking piratical (from the catwalkqueen blog):
Felicity Banks 