#240: It’s a boy!
Some of you rabble have been around long enough to recall that I bought a bristle-nose catfish many moons ago, and named him Watson. Here’s what he looked like then:
He’s the white-spotted comma shape on the plastic wood. You may notice there’s no bristles on his nose. That’s because he was too young, and of indeterminate gender. Only the male bristlenoses actually have bristles on their noses, and only when they’re above a certain age.
Turns out that “certain age” is now. I noticed a lump on his face and wondered if he was sick. Upon closer examination, the truth became clear: Watson is male. My little catfish is becoming a man.
You can’t actually see the bristles in these photos, but they’re there. Trust me.
#239: Facing the Paint
I’m a familiar face at church (despite my increasingly rare attendance due to dieting making me extra-crazy), so when four face-painters weren’t enough for the tiny crowd, I was asked to help.
I am no artist, but one thing I can do is pretend to be confident. Thus, carefully restraining myself from utterances like, “Whoops! Your face now looks like &@#)$!”, and “Oh dear, I’m so sorry” and, “I’m sure it washes off”, and “Erm. . . can it be an EVIL fairy?” I dived into the fray.
The point at which it became fun (observe the smile of eeeevvvviiiiillll):
“Now just hold still, my little man. This won’t hurt a bit.”
Oh, sorry. Did you guys want to see HIS adorable Christmassy face?
Awww!
Double aww with blood-soaked teeth and a figgy pudding on top.
NB: The child did actually request this face.
The afternoon was made even better by the way the woman painting next to me was saying, “It’s not too late. I can still change you from a skull into a puppy. A nice, fluffy puppy. No? Okay. . .”
#238: Carols by Candlelight
There’s a lot about Christmas I don’t like, but I do like the eerie mass choir of carols by candlelight. Conveniently, my church (Woden Valley Alliance Church) runs a massive community event for Christmas each year, and it happened today. I’m mentioning the church by name because it’s a seriously well-run and worthwhile event, including a jumping castle*, free BBQ, and face-painting (which I’ll blog about shortly – and a very decent Santa visit, too). This is a church that does family events very well all year round.
Wow. There were a LOT of kids. It was a little like stepping inside “The Vicar of Dibley” in the bizarre over-the-top kitchness of it all. Except much, much more so. Three children, for example, came dressed as angels – including a blonde set of twins. If I didn’t want to procreate before, I would now.
There was a lot of outside fun and food before the carols started, and then everyone gathered inside the church hall and got free child-safe candles (they have a switch on the bottom, and last for months).
But the carols didn’t start. Oh no. Because this is still a church.
The children of the church gathered at the front and sang three of the most blatantly evangelistic songs I’ve ever heard. The first might just have been entitled, “Five Easy Steps to Becoming a Christian”, the second could have been, “Life is Good Because I Pledge Myself to You, Jesus” and the third could have been, “Every single random and/or pagan item vaguely associated with Christmas is actually a handy way to tell my friends about Jesus”.
They were all terrible songs (I can already feel myself repressing the memory), charmingly (but poorly) sung**, but the third one had me in hysterics. It specifically mentioned fairy lights (which are apparently a representation of the star that led the Wise Men to Jesus), and candy canes (red represents redemption through Jesus’ blood, and white represents the joy of forgiveness)***. That song also specifically stated that all one has to do to convert one’s friends is give them a candy cane.
Which begs the question, then why are you subjecting all these people to such freakishly poorly-written songs?
Aaaannnyyyway. . .
(Honestly bids me to admit that my mum told me as a child that candy canes represent the shepherds’ crooks of the shepherds that saw the angels announcing Jesus’ birth, and I always found that completely plausible.)
The carols were fine, although a teensy bit lacking in eeriness since (a) it was still light outside, and (b) I spend the whole time delightedly chasing two little girls whose parents were busy running things.
Coming soon: How Santa should be. Face Painting. Modern art. And more.
*which they wouldn’t let me on. Waaagh!
**but only if you think “Sing louder!” is lacking in finesse of some kind – they are kids, after all.
***presumably the candy canes with an additional green stripe represent EEEEEVVVVVVVIIIIIILLLLL and are not consumed by good children.
S#50: Decide on a Lifelong Dream
Nice and easy one today.
My main lifelong dream is pretty obvious – to be consistently published by a reputable publisher (with good enough distribution that my books actually get bought by the public in high enough numbers that the next book gets published, and the next, and so on).
Today’s lifelong dream won’t come as a shock to anyone who’s either met me or read more than one of this year’s twittertales. Recurring motifs, anyone?
So here’s my new (ish) lifelong dream: I want to have CJ’s babies.
Not yet. . . but before my womb gets excessively dusty with age. At 28, that gives me a few years before the pressure is on.
CJ and I talked about children from about two months into our relationship (definitely in the “not a good idea, but it worked out this time” category of my life). We’ve been married just under 2 years now, and if we want to be able to buy a nice house we need to put off procreation for a bit longer – I’ve heard a rumour kids are, like, expensive. Possibly even inconvenient, at times.
I know how lucky I am to be able to have this dream. Being married to CJ remains a wonderful surprise (and honestly easier than I expected, which shows how much an observant person can learn from those around them).
And here’s some excessively cute pictures of my two-month old niece:
In the meantime, my cats are cute and cuddly and don’t require any major lifestyle changes. And I appreciate that too.
Part of the fun of having a dream is seeing it all shiny and perfect – which requires it to be far away.
I do believe all the wonders (and horrors) of motherhood will eventually be described right here on the blog – at least until my kids are old enough to ask me to stop.
#237: Dress up for “Dawn Treader”
Today would have been a GREAT day to fall through a painting into another world.
I did at least have the next best thing, which is two hours in Narnia.
Oh, and CJ and I dressed up before we went.
The cat’s eyes are glowing because she’s eeeeevvvvviiiil.* Observe her powers of wriggliness:
So…the movie.
I’ve read all seven Narnia books many times, and I really like the first two films (especially the second. In my opinion, the changes made – especially the battle scenes – were brilliant, and improved on the book).
I knew “Voyage of the Dawn Treader” had funding issues (it was eventually produced by Twentieth Century Fox instead of Disney), and the previews didn’t show anything at all to tell me what it would be like. . . so I went in with a certain amount of trepidation.
Sold! Sold to the girl sneaking in with a ship’s cat!
This film was good – really good. I think any kid will like it. If you liked the first two films, you’ll like this one too.
Once again they took enormous liberties with the book, and once again I believe it was the right choice – giving it a unified plot, for one thing. (Side note: I don’t actually like fantasy macguffin plots such as “put the magic thing on the magic thing to save the world from eeeeevvvvviiiiillll” but it’s better than “keep sailing for, like, ages”.) I really liked the development of Edmund and Lucy as both characters and actors – in many ways, that was the best part, and their problems were real problems that I related to (as a bonus, they’ve grown less whiny). The scene in which they enter Narnia is genuinely excellent, and there’s a great sense of, “We’re in a freaking FANTASY WORLD!! AWESOME!!” which I always appreciate. It puts the characters in the same emotional place as the audience, which makes everything more fun. And, the script was funny.
“Was it something I said?” (said by a Minotour immediately after it attempted to greet a hysterical Eustace, who immediately fainted).
It was a shame C.S. Lewis (and the original illustrator, whose work is shown in the credits) was so very lacking in nautical knowledge, but I doubt anyone who hasn’t sailed on a tall ship** would be bothered. The ocean scenes felt good, and that’s always the main thing. In my opinion, it’s less scary than the first two, with the exception of one scary scene at the climax.
Eustace was genuinely annoying (which he was always meant to be), but the filmmakers were smart enough to keep his annoyance-establishing moments brief. The actor has good comedic timing, and did a good job of growing unannoying during the film. I hope I get to see him in another film, although I’ll miss Lucy and Edmund badly (remember how annoying Edmund used to be? They’ve done great casting work). Reepicheep, surprisingly, wasn’t annoying at all – three cheers for the voice talents and general charm of Simon Pegg.
Unfortunately, one of the (arguable) flaws of the book came through in the film louder and clearer than in the book itself. C.S. Lewis was a man writing in the 1950s, and although I find the books charming he’s definitely writing “down” to children at times. The movie didn’t stick to just one moral – it gave us a few, loud and clear, in monologue form. That was a real shame, since most of the moral content was told perfectly well by the story itself . It’s possible a different person would find the morals inspiring.
The feeling of some scenes is quite different to the book, and it’s best to just go with it rather than thinking, “But I remember that scene being funnier/scarier/etc”. For me, the three most important scenes were the fall through the painting, Eustace’s second transformation (you know the one I mean), and Reepicheep’s destiny. They were all there, and given the constraints of film, I’m satisfied.
Aslan is much like he is in the other two films, which I always found satisfactory but not brilliant (I know other people found Liam Neeson brilliant, and they’ll most likely continue to do so).
The insertion of the actors for Susan and the White Witch (and, briefly, Peter) worked fine. Caspian was great, although his character wasn’t as well developed as Lucy and Edmund (or Eustace).
In terms of the characterisation, this might be the best of the three. If you love Narnia for the allegorical stuff, this may be your favourite. But I still like “Prince Caspian” the best.
Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars – I wasn’t utterly blown away, but I will definitely watch it again.
————-
Are you hating Christmas at the moment? I know I am. Here’s some more darkly funny material for my sarcastic peeps. (The moral is: Some Christmas specials are special in a different way.)
http://whatever.scalzi.com/2004/12/01/the-10-least-successful-holiday-specials-of-all-time/
There’s a bit of adult themes (thank YOU Dorothy Parker!)
And here’s a random photo of me last Monday – the day of the 12,000 words (which, thank you, I did). During the day I also went shopping, went to work, and cooked dinner for five people. I wrote 1600 words while the five people were in the room (Miss Manners I’m not). One of them put their hat on my head, and CJ took this photo.
When it comes to writing binges, I am not easily distracted.
You can see pirate ships in the background on the right, and the open-plan filing system of Daily Awesomeness on the left.
*Yes yes, mine are glowing too. Whatever.
**did I mention I threw up from the top of the mast? I did? Oh. Well, good.
#236: Decorate a Christmas Tree(s)
Not all family bonding has to happen on December 25th. In fact there’s a vital ritual that millions of families partake of every year.
This year in my family, it all went horribly wrong.
Well, to be fair, horribly wrong would involve one or all of the following scenarios:
1. Buying a live tree that happened to be termite infested, and led to the total destruction of your uninsured home.
2. Buying a live tree infested with some kind of wild animal, preferably the kind that’s either extremely violent when cornered, infested with a transferrable disease, or both.
3. Having a fault in the Christmas lights cause a massive explosion, disfiguring burns, and several fires throughout the home and neighbourhood.
4. Accidentally strangling a dog/cat/small child with badly hung tinsel at just the wrong moment.
5. Slipping on a globe, hitting one’s head on a coffee table, and dying instantly.
6. Same as above, but with quadriplegia.
So all in all, my family day went swimmingly. It would probably have been better if a child – any child – was involved, or if the tree was designed to accept ornaments in any way, or if my Mum didn’t have over a hundred separate ornaments. But we did the job, and now it’s done.
My brother, wisely, didn’t show.
My nephew arrived hours later than expected – hence, no children.
My sister, brother-in-law, and niece are in Perth.
Amusingly, CJ and I then went to dinner at a friend’s house. Guess what we did that night?
Yep. We decorated their tree.
On the up side, they have three children, and about ten ornaments in total, so the horror was (a) not so horrible, and (b) took about ninety seconds.
Until next year, then. . .
PS sorry Mum. I might hate your tree, but I still like you.
#20: Acoustic guitar
The guitar is my favourite instrument. I love the curvy shape.* I also love the intimacy of the sound, and my favourite music is often a single person singing and playing their guitar.
During high school I was obsessive about guitars for a few months. I remember walking along practising chords on the air. I never had a formal lesson, just learned to read the chord diagrams and some very basic strumming. It’s all you need.
I don’t own a guitar, but even with my minimal knowledge I can pick up a guitar at a friend’s place and just play. It also proved useful when I was entertaining earthquake refugees in Indonesia. But mostly, I just love having an excuse (however slender) to touch the pretty thing.**
You can tell from the extremely low number that this was one of the first awesomenesses I thought of, way back in March.
*Best not to analyse that.
**See above.
#139: Hunt up a bargain at a junk market
This was suprisingly enjoyable and useful.
CJ and W and I went a-wandering at the Jamison markets last Sunday, and it was good (and not just because I enjoy being surrounded by nice-looking boys). CJ and I bought Christmas presents for three people, and also bought a Carole Wilkinson book for $5 (sweet!) and a lump of beeswax to make the drawers of various furniture items slide better.
We saw a side-saddle saddle.
And a really excellent antique stall with a seafaring flavour (and some fantastically racist kitch).
Then we wandered into Aldi and witnessed first-hand the eerie similarity between Santa and the Easter Bunny.
Play along at home score: 8 out of 10 – recommended for the bookshops alone (they had really good stuff – Ben Elton and James Patterson and Pamela Freeman and much more – cheaper than second-hand bookshops, and most of it in perfect condition)
S#36: Metal Green Thumb
My mission was to get a weird plant – “a deadly nightshade or venus flytrap or sarracenia or nepenthes”. I got this:
Look, I admit it. The plant is downright pretty. I’m not very good at this heavy metal thing (despite my pirate credentials). But let’s take a closer look.
I’ve repotted it and put it with my other plants, and it definitely isn’t dressed like the in crowd (all of whom are wearing the new black*). It’s a begonia, which sounds a bit like a drunken lout yelling, “Begone, ya *#%@!” Also, if you squint real hard, it looks like it might just be DRENCHED IN BLOOD.
If that’s not br00tal, I don’t know what is.
Coming soon: playing guitar, hunting up a bargain in a junk market, decorating two Christmas trees in one day (see last entry), and. . . other stuff.
For those interested in my personal dramas, I was so distraught at gaining weight last week that I have a new plan. Today I binge eat and binge write – I’m aiming for 12,000 words (and have done 5,000 so far – it’s 3pm). From tomorrow I go into absolute no-chocolate-no-lollies-no-junk-food mode for three weeks. At the end of three weeks, I weigh less.
One tiny problem (other than the lack of chocolate making me instantly and uncontrollably psychotic): I have five Christmas parties in the next three weeks – and four of them are with family.
Wish me luck, my tr00 peeps.**
*which is to say, green.
**dear metalheads and/or gangsters: please do not kill me for that.
S#7: Magic Trick
This turned out to be startlingly easy.
The “before” shot:
On the ratio of “least amount of work to most amount of results”, this scores VERY highly. I practised exactly once with non-fragile items, once with the (stoneware) plate and (metal) cutlery, and then set things up with the glasses for the video (they are glass glasses). CJ said, “Don’t you want to prepare a bit more first?” and I said, “This is way more interesting.”
So many unpleasant things in life begin that way.
The “after” shot:
The instant the video ended, CJ wanted a go. He mastered it instantly. So will at least some of you*.
I know from Mythbusters that the ideal circumstances are: A table that is stable and smooth. A cloth that is lightweight non-stretch satin, shiny side down (and the edge should be lined up with the far edge of your table). Light-weight objects. The larger the table, and the more objects you have – the more difficult it is.** It’s gravity versus friction.
Our table is smooth but not completely stable, and the fabric is medium-weight satin that stretches in one direction. And that’s it! That’s all the magic there is.
Oh, and by the way, you know Santa? He’s really not that nice.
*the cool ones.
**so don’t try this on the Christmas dinner table, and that means you, Uncle “eggnog” Bob.
PS yep I’m publishing this at 2am. I so badly wish I was asleep right now.
Guess what happened today? I read a “deeply honest, heartfelt” blog by someone saying how awful it is that she’s been writing two whole years and isn’t published yet. Then I read another blog article by someone saying how brilliant a particular writing program is, and how much it helped her and made her feel great about her book – her first book, which was barely finished when she applied (and at the program she worked with a close personal friend of Garth Nix, author of “Sabriel” and a personal hero of mine). I applied for that exact program, and I’ve written twelve freaking books over twelve long and soul-destroying years.
Clearly, I just suck.
Felicity Banks 