A good day
One down side of being mental is that I feel I’ve lost the knack of being happy – not generally happy, like those good-natured freaks we all hate – but happy sometimes, when I’m doing something I like. Even in those moments, I often have to figure out by a process of deduction that somehow, deep down, despite how I feel, I must be enjoying myself.
Today was not one of those days. Today I actually felt it – felt happy.
It didn’t start all that well – one of my cats was missing since last night, and since she has a brain the size of half a dried pea, I checked the road nearby for her mangled corpse.
I was tired for no reason, and went back to bed after a feeble attempt at writing. Decided not to do various errands today, but to conserve my strength for my bit-o-writing and my single hour of actual work.
Once I woke up and had lunch, I felt much better. It’s rare for me to get to midday without buying and eating chocolate, so things were looking good.
I wrote another chapter of the book I’m currently working on (currently titled ‘Farting my ABCs’ on the theory that it’ll be more marketable than my too-intelligent fantasy books). The chapters are only 500 words, but I’m suddenly within sight of finishing the first draft, and that feels good.
I wrote an email re-re-hassling my main boss (I have several, and most are pathetic at actually paying me) about $420 he owes me (and another $420 he’ll owe me in a few weeks). He phoned to apologise, and to say he’ll put BOTH lots in my account immediately. This was immensely heartening news after watching my bank account dwindle for weeks.
I fudged my way through five hours of writing work (today’s quota), including some pleasant reading through a book that needs a bit of polishing before entering it in the text YA novel award. I used coloured textas in a plot-strands diagram, which was fun. (Mmm…pretty colours.)
When I left for my one hour of real work, the prodigal cat showed up (uninjured and looking innocent).
My work went well – I often have difficulty concentrating, but the student was doing so well I spent most of the lesson looking through her book, re-learning my year 11 equations – and the rest of the lesson genuinely helping.
Then I went and bought fun things in the supermarket, flushed with matrimonial affection (the SO turns 30 this week, and we’re less than 6 months married) – mushrooms, fennel (I used to chew on fennel in high school because there were flourishing plants there and we all went through a fennel phase), other spices, mixed salted nuts, and a variety of fruit. Fresh food is one of the thrills of cooking for more than one person – if I don’t finish it, he probably will. Our fruit bowl is brimming with bananas, mandarins, apples, kiwifruit, and limes.
Beautiful sight, beautiful day.
Sucking Goodness
Officially I have a social anxiety disorder (with side serves of obssessive-compulsive behaviour and hypergraphia). This was technically diagnosed by a friend of mine, and then whenever I went to a medical or psychological professional I’d open by saying, “I reckon it’s this – what do you reckon?” After five minutes of conversation, they’d agree.
In my opinion, however, my problem is that I’m an empath (it’s worth noting here that I don’t believe I actually have magical powers, just that I observe body language etc). I’m an empath in the Star Trek sense, where I can be badly crippled by strong negative emotions nearby.
Unfortunately my empathic talents have a strong negative bent – which means I’m constantly picking up insecurity, misery, and other people’s mental illnesses (yuck!). One of my personal strategies for coping is to try to tune in to positive emotions. And it does work. When I know and respect people enough, I can deal with almost any negative emotions because I have faith in them – whether or not they believe that they’ll get through it, I do.
Children are good for positive emotions (and living in the moment, which I really suck at presently), and so are certain friends. (My husband is the calmest person I know, so I can deal with a lot of bad emotions by clinging to his hand and consciously tuning into how mercifully oblivious he generally is).
Also really excellent TV. TV really does dull the mind, which is a good thing (I think anxiety disorders are basically physical – you’re just massively overstimulated, as if someone’s constantly pointing a gun at you. Your mind rationalises that overstimulation into real threats, and voila! Going to the shops is terrifying). Last night the SO and I went and saw, “The Boat that Rocked” – an overwhelmingly positive (and of course funny) film. For a little while, I believed that life was FUN.
Other oddly beneficial TV includes Spicks and Specks (the relationships between the three main people are just so positive – Adam Hills has described Myf as being like a sister, and that certainly comes across in the way they all work together so well), the Cook and the Chef (same), and Mythbusters (because they fight a lot but always make peace and stay friends – great for someone who lives in fear of making someone mad). I also have a theory that Adam has ADD and Jamie has asperges. But that’s another story…
Felicity Banks 