January 12: Sumatra
This story has absolutely nothing to do with the island of Sumatra, but here’s a photo of Sumatra anyway.
I visited Sumatra in early 2007, after yet another devastating earthquake (Sumatra was badly damaged by the Asian Tsunami on Boxing Day 2004). The landscape is stunningly beautiful, with truly extreme mountains because it’s such a centre of geological upheaval. In the photo, the tourist market in Bukit Tinggi has been burnt by a fire (caused by the earthquake).
While I was there, I helped make food packages for people whose homes had been destroyed. For each family, we measured out two kilos of rice, a kilo each of oil and sugar, and two small cans of fish.
At the time, people in Sumatra were still rebuilding after the Boxing Day tsunami.
Liquid Water Falls From Sky
My partner and I are now safely ensconced in our home for the next few days. No adventures (unless you count the magical increase in every single booked expense so far. . . ah, Indonesia. How I’ve missed you).
Our net is fairly limited, but this is Indonesia, and anything can happen at any time.
It’s SO nice to be warm, and speaking a language I know well. The rain seems unnatural after Beijing. . . and shouldn’t everywhere be white, not a frenzied multitude of green?
January 10: Indonesian Phrases
More data for the up-and-coming supervillians (especially you, Ben):
It’s over, fool! = Sudah Selesai, si bodoh!
Excuse me, may I please steal your government secrets? = Permisi, boleh saya curi rahasia pemerintahmu?
Don’t look at me. I’m a perfectly innocent pineapple. = Jangan melihatiku. Aku nenas suci.
Take that, naughty person! = Menerima itu, si nakal!
Your place or mine? = Rumahmu atau rumahku?
January 9: Who the Fu are you?
Mr Fu is a master of disguise, who once lived in the Scottish highlands for three months disguised as a sheep (never mind why). He has a deep mistrust of. . . well, everyone – and has at least twenty different lairs in different countries. All of them are underground, and all of them have giant world maps that rise out of the floor in response to the phrase, “Yes, pumpkin.”
Despite all his talents, he’s considered the black sheep of the family. Which, technically, is quite true.
Here’s a rare photo of Mr Fu (cunning, isn’t he?):
January 8: Story so far
PS photo cable is still AWOL. Photos for yesterday may or may not appear in their own post at some point.
Sun3
The name’s Bind. Jimmy Bind. On mission to China. I can tell the flight attendant wants me diced on a tiny tray. Time for some airline food.
*
He comes at me with a poison toothpick. I click my pen and squirt gas in his eye. He reels and hits the Wong twins. Two Wongs make it right.
*
The Wongs knock the flight attendant out cold. I unclick my pen and accidentally poison myself. When I wake up, we’re in Beijing. Smooth.
Mon4
Tracked the faux attendant to a meeting in Chinatown. Too bad Beijing IS Chinatown. Got distracted buying shoes. Stumbled across baddie.
*
Baddie is Mr Fu. The girl with him is Yen. I chase him and he throws a shoe at me. It explodes. He runs. I bind my wounds with duct tape.
*
I follow Fu and corner him in an alley. He throws some kung fu, and I throw some bricks. “Who’s your boss?” I scream.
“It’s her!” he weeps.
Tue5
I’ve a yen for Yen. She’s small, dark, and deadly, like an expresso. I track her by smell and find her sleeping. “Where’s the jewel?” I ask.
*
She yawns, briefly distracting me. Her leg wraps around my neck (also distracting). Suddenly she yields to my good looks and leans closer.
*
I wake up strapped to the side of the Great Wall; tied firmly with two rolls of my own duct tape. Curses!
Wed6
After a surprisingly good night’s sleep, I notice writing on the wall: “Forgive me, mother. The ruby is at. . .”
I fall.
*
I fall among Shaolin monks, who immediately attack! Luckily I have my blow-up gum and I spit it at them just in time. Kaboom! No more monks.
*
Due to budget cuts, my car is a matchbox car. Luckily it has vertical grip and a camera. I discover the ruby is at Solo – in Indonesia.
Th7
I go shoe-shopping, hoping to dispatch Yen and/or get hiking boots before I leave. An old saleswoman is suspiciously attractive.
*
I neck-chop the woman and she says blearily, “Yen? Is that you?”
“Yes,” I say (femininely).
She says, “Your stupid brother stole the ruby.”
*
Is my wall-writer Yen’s naughty brother? Is Fu as powerless as he seems? Is the boss Yen or her Mum? And are these boots the best or what?!
Fri8
Another flight. Fu appears dressed as a fat woman and slips me a note. “Meet me in Solo,” it says – “come solo!” I nod.
*
“Yen’s my sister,” Fu explains over unripe-coconut milk. He tells me to search in the temple.
I put sleeping-gas in his drink just in case.
January 6: Blow-Up Gum
I stumbled across this story just after writing “The Spy Who Shoved Me”. It’s horrible, tragic. . . and funny.
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/world/981756/exploding-gum-kills-chemistry-student
January 4: Chinese Phrases (contains swearing)
January 3: Bind Your Mind
Welcome to your new theme and new story, “The Spy Who Shoved Me”. (The actual tweets will appear late tonight, since my parents are posting them – China doesn’t allow twitter at this time.)
Our hero is Jimmy Bind, the lovechild of James Bond and someone even prettier.
He speaks thirty-two languages fluently (and none of them are Klingon), can shoot a thread through a needle at three hundred paces, and is so handsome 33% of women who observe him on the street faint instantly.
His tools include:
Sleeping gas pen.
Blow-up gum.
Two matchbox cars (including matches and gunpowder)
Piercing blue eyes.
A whole lot of high-quality duct tape (or gaffa, as we call it in Australia).
The Spy Who Shoved Me: The Scenic Tour
“The Spy Who Shoved Me” doesn’t start until tomorrow, but it’s (mostly) set in China, which is (coincidentally) where I am right now. My partner and I are visiting my brother-in-law who is living in Beijing because of its thriving music scene.
I’m blogging in detail at https://felicitybloomfield.wordpress.com and I try to make it entertaining. Beijing is bitterly cold, but it snowed last night. We visited the Temple of Heaven today, which is inside an enormous park-like area.
To put the scale a little into perspective – the building at the end of this avenue is not a building, but just one of many gates between different areas within the “park”.
Here’s some roof detail (from a mere storeroom) – and no, I don’t know what the wire is for:
Some ceiling detail (from the Vault of Heaven – another store room):
Beijing is very polluted it’s true, and the weather is almost always hideous – but it’s a beautiful city, and strangely peaceful.
Daylight Day 90: Character Mash-Up
I awoke with a blood-soaked neck. Still not EMO. . . oh wait, yes I am. Finally I understand that everything sucks. Still glued to window.
*
The sun climbed the sky. Sparkles danced across my skin like annoying little angels of joy. Bleaugh! Stupid Christmas! Stupid glue!
*
The sparkles ended, and I felt hungry for leftover Turkey instead of blood. I’m not EMO any more, hurray! Now if I could just unglue myself.
——————————————
This is a game a friend showed me (usually played with your twelve favourite characters from any media):
Ten twittertales characters (from the first three stories – the third begins on 3 Jan 2010):
1. Sol the crazed pirate (brought up as a princess until she fled)
2. Ulandin, her disturbingly loyal first mate (and the narrator of the first twitter tale)
3. Jimmy Bind, ridiculously handsome hero of the spy tale beginning Jan 3
4. Bell, dopey girl with EMO boyfriend
5. Ed, her EMO boyfriend, who wants to drink her blood
6. Yen, the circus-raised Chinese super assassin (January story)
7. Pi, the genius ten-year old
8. Boy, the mysterious shipmate who doesn’t obey the laws of nature (gravity, physics, etc). Or magic (rules, limitations, etc)
9. Fu. He is Yen’s sister, a supervillain with mother issues (also a master of disguise) – from the spy story
10. Mrs Fu, mother to Yen and Fu, likes blowing stuff up (spy story).
11. (Can’t think of any more fictional characters) Louise Curtis (my G/PG rated self)
12. Felicity Bloomfield (mostly myself, but not quite. Obsessed writer)
1. Who would make a better college professor, #6 Yen or #11 Louise Curtis?
Louise Curtis. She/I do a lot of teaching. Yen would get annoyed and snap someone’s neck.
2. Would #2 Ulandin win the award for Cutest Guy of the Year?
No. He’s okay-looking, but if he won Captain Sol might notice he looks nice, and kill him. (She doesn’t approve of attractiveness, due to being raised as a princess.)
3. #12 Felicity Bloomfield sends #8 Boy out on a mission. Does it succeed? What is it?
Oh, that’s complex. It’s rather circular, since Boy is (sort of) Felicity’s creation, but Felicity is the creation of God, who Boy is based on. If I dared send him on a mission, it’d probably be for money. It’d succeed if he felt like giving me money. It’s far more likely I’d get frustrated and yell at him a lot. (That’s pretty much how my prayer life is, every day.)
4. What would #9’s Fu’s favourite book be?
3001 Beards for Serious Beard Artists.
5. Who would swear fealty to whom, #2 Ulandin or #6 Yen?
Ulandin’s already sworn fealty to Sol, so he’s all full up as far as devoting one’s life to a dark-skinned insane and beautiful woman with a bad childhood goes. (There’s a certain worrying similarity in my femme fatales.) Yen would try to seduce him, fail (because he loves Sol), and kill him. Probably with a single blood-red fingernail. (Thus the answer is: neither.)
6. #5 Ed needs a roommate. Who would be better, #9 Fu or #10 Mrs Fu?
All he wants is blood, and perhaps a Linkin Park record or three. But it’s established that his own mum turned him EMO, so perhaps Mrs Fu wins this one.
7. #2 Ulandin, #7 Pi and #12 Felicity Bloomfield have dinner together. Where do they go, what do they discuss?
Definitely at Felicity Bloomfield’s house, since (a) she’s a bit agoraphobic, (b) she gets seasick (which means Ulandin’s place won’t work), and (c) Pi is ten, so he’s unlikely to host. Plus she’s the mutual friend.
Ulandin loves kids, so he and Pi would get on very well (the disparity in IQ wouldn’t bother Pi – he’s used to it). Ulandin’d probably tell some amazing stories of the high seas. Or they’d talk about how to survive roomies who want to kill and/or eat you. Felicity would be in a corner, taking copious notes and muttering to herself.
8. #3 Jimmy Bind challenges #10 Mrs Fu to a duel. What happens?
That more or less happens in the tale, so I can’t tell you 🙂 But she’d probably use her mad fighting skills and he’d probably use some gaffa tape.
9. If #1 Sol stole #8 Boy’s most precious possession, how would he get it back?
Boy’s most precious “possession” IS Captain Sol. He wins her back by letting her know he cares for her, then backing off – for several decades.
10. Suggest a title for a story in which #7 Pi and #12 Felicity Bloomfield both attain what they most desire.
Pi would probably want a Nobel Prize. Or social skills. Felicity Bloomfield wants to have her books published. So the solution is for Felicity to write a bestseller in which Pi has social skills.
11. What kind of plot device would you use if you wanted #4 Bell and #1 Captain Sol to work together?
If the EMO plague spread to Captain Sol’s ship, it MIGHT be bad enough to make Sol allow another woman on board. Plus that’d make for plenty of tension – nice! Except Bell is so limpid I don’t really want to work with her again.
12. If #7 Pi visited for the weekend, how would you get along?
I like ten-year olds. I’d probably be patronising, then awkward once I realised he’s fifteen times smarter than I am.
13. If you could command #3 Jimmy Bind to perform any one task for you, what would it be?
He’s incredibly multilingual and has lots of powerful connections. I bet he could make a difference to third world poverty.
14. Which of your friends is most like #11 Louise Curtis?
Heh. Me, obviously. Probably Chris M, because he seems like a cheerful, good-hearted person. (My other friends more closely resemble Felicity Bloomfield, who means well and is intelligent and compassionate, while also being hopelessly mentally ill. Hi guys 😉 )
15. If #2 Ulandin had to choose sides between #4 Bell and #5 Ed, who would he choose?
Bell. He’s hard-wired to rescue the girl.
16. What might #Mrs Fu shout while charging into battle?
Death to everyone!! (but she’s say it in Chinese)
17. Which song represents #8 Boy?
Amazing Grace
18. #1 Sol, #6Yen and #12 Felicity Bloomfield reach for the last crumpet. Who wins?
It’s definitely not gonna be Felicity. Thankfully she’s intelligent enough to flee if Sol and Yen were in the same room. Sol and Yen are both small, psychotic, and deadly. Yen has formal fight training (plus greater flexibility), but Sol has magic. And Sol isn’t bothered by pain. So Sol wins. (Thus answering the pirate-vs-ninja debate, because Yen has, among other things, ninja skills.)
19. What might be a good pick-up line for #2 Ulandin to use on #10 Mrs Fu?
“Killing the world is a perfectly legitimate and feminine goal.” And he’d mean it, too.
20. What would #5 Ed most likely be arrested for?
Sucking the blood of innocent folks. (Too bad that would never happen in “Twilight”.)
21. What is #6’s Yen’s big secret?
That whole circus upbringing wasn’t meant to happen. If anyone in the spy community asks, she was raised by Shaolin monks. Or wolves. Or bears. Or pirahnas.
22. If #11 Louise Curtis and #9 Fu are racing, who wins?
Fu. Simple main character syndrome. (Characters are, on average, faster, stronger and smarter than nonfictional folk.)
23. Who would you feel safer with walking through a bad neighborhood? #7 Pi or #8 Boy.
Boy. He makes Sol and Yen look like little girls kicking his shins.
24. #1 Captain Sol and #9 Fu reluctantly team up to save the world from the threat of #4 Bell’s sinister secret organization. #11 Louise Curtis volunteers to help but is secretly in league with #4 Bell. Bell has kidnapped #12 Felicity Bloomfield to force them to surrender. By the wise advice of #5 Ed they seek out #3 Jimmy Bind to complete the quest. Title and story?
Body and Sol
So Bell’s turned EMO and kidnapped Felicity Bloomfield in order to hold Louise Curtis at bay (that’d work). Captain Sol lets Bell drink some of her blood (since Sol spills it so freely anyway) to distract her while Fu and Jimmy Bind overcome their differences and use a SuperSpy Secret Formula (TM) to finally cure the EMO menace (again).
