Getting Published in 5 Steps (PG swearing)
At this location one writer describes his journey to publication. The home site is cracked.com, which is MA, and I think this article is PG/M.
How to Become an Author, in 5 Incredibly Difficult Steps
A while back, I wrote a non-fiction book about the apocalypse. Since publishing the book, the question I get asked the most has to be: “What are you doing in my toolshed?” Second place goes to “Is that my wife’s cocktail dress?” The third is- well, let’s skip ahead to questions not relating to a highly illegal fetish revolving around forbidden sheds and stolen evening wear. People usually ask me: “How did you get your book published?” Everybody wants to know how the process works, because they think that if they can just get the steps for this secret dance memorized, it’s all plaid jackets and [naughty bit removed] from that point forward. There are a lot of questions and answers for new authors out there on the Internet, but they always seem to skirt the subject in the name of preserving some sort of artistic mystique. As is the case with all nice things, I would like to ruin that tradition. I’ll talk to you about the publishing process honestly and unflinchingly, even when it makes the whole thing (and by extension, me) look kind of shitty.
Fair warning: This is not going to help you.
I didn’t actually initiate contact with a publisher of any kind. In fact, I didn’t even have a book to pitch when contact was first made. Somebody at the publishing house contacted me, out of the blue. And her email was caught by my spam filter.
Read the rest here.
#1 is extremely interesting, since – well firstly because of his legitimate point that an “advance” is almost certainly “all you’ll ever get” (which is why you NEVER sign a contract based on royalties only – any publisher that can’t afford an advance probably also can’t afford distribution, which means your book won’t get to shops, which means it won’t sell a single copy).
Secondly because the not-that-big figure he names as an advance is between three and ten times more than fiction writers get.
And here’s a consoling picture of a cat on a hot tin roof:
Fat pants
The best fat pants are pregnancy pants. I searched our local op shop for bigger board shorts so I could still swim regularly. The brown pair fit me that day, and I went for a swim immediately (the day before I became properly sick) and I figure the green pair (which have a drawstring, and which were most definitely part of the men’s section) will still fit me if I’m eight months pregnant with triplets.
Since it’s an charity secondhand clothing shop, the two pairs of boardies and a pack of shampoo cost $10 altogether.
Octopus in an expected place?
When CJ and I pootled about Merimbula’s beaches earlier this year (when it was, you know, warm), we met this guy:
It’s the first time I’ve seen an octopus in its natural environment, and we were both over the moon.
Not to be confused with Octopus in an unexpected place, one of my all-time favourite blog entries.
What’s in a name?
I’m at ten weeks today. Mini-Me is 3.5cm long (the size of these guppies) and can touch its toes.
Since taking Ondaz Zydis (and drinking sustagen for dinner most nights), I’ve lost only half a kilo this week (as opposed to two and a half kilos, which is what I lost last week).
I am cautiously optimistic that the worst is over – but I’m still not actually well enough to brush my teeth (or leave the house). One of the common side effects of Ondaz Zydis is stomach cramps, which I’m having in abundance (and which are not always distinguishable from nausea and/or imminent illness) – but the main thing is that I’m not ACTUALLY throwing up and that I’m eating or drinking SOMETHING three times a day (usually breakfast cereal for breakfast and a noodle cup-a-soup for lunch).
I’ll almost certainly be functional again in 2-4 weeks. I look forward to that distant horizon like Christmas. At the moment CJ is cooking, cleaning, doing dishes, putting dishes away, shopping, washing clothes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, watering the plants, medicating the pets, cleaning the fish water, feeding the cats, brushing Ana, cleaning up cat vomit (both of them), buying medications, making a fuss of the neglected cats, taking care of library books, fetching me things from across the room (walking is still a bit iffy), entertaining visitors solo, looking after some of MY students, and working full time.
I usually – but not always – feed the fish every second day. That is my contribution to the household – that, and growing a mini human.
Anyway! I don’t like the idea of saying my children’s names online, but here are some random thoughts about the most popular 2010 names in Australia (from this site, which also tracks trends). All of them are off-limits for me on the basis of being too common.
1. Lily
I have at least two positive associations with this name, and I like that it’s easy to spell.
2. Ruby
For some reason this feels either trashy or old-lady to me.
3. Charlotte
I love the abbreviation “Charlie” for a girl, or “Lotta”. It’s always good when a name gives you options.
4. Chloe
Positive associations again (you know who you are). It’s Greek and means “young shoot” or “early foliage” which I don’t think is that great a meaning.
5. Sophie
Too fancy-sounding for my liking.
1. Jack
This name is fascinating, because it historically swings back and forth between being a swear word and being an extremely popular boy’s name. Phonetically, it is fantastic for both. The “a” is a strong, clear sound followed by the slamming door of the “k” at the end. It’s possibly the strongest single syllable in the English language (followed, for similar reasons, by the F-word).
Plus, you know, pirate.
2. Cooper
I was just thinking yesterday how many successful companies have “Cooper” as part of their company name. The meaning is “barrel maker” which really isn’t that exciting, except it gives an air of industry. Better as a company name than a personal name, I think.
3. Oliver
Okay, I can’t NOT start singing the song when I hear this.
4. Noah
It’s a good strong Biblical name (unless you remember that bit where Noah got really pissed and passed out buck naked). This is one of those unusual names that is two syllables but can’t be abbreviated. Personally, I love abbreviations – or any change in the usual shape of a name. When one of my students has a short name, I tend to add “banana” to the end to compensate.
5. Thomas
Again, a good Bible name if you’re not too familiar with the Bible (the phrase “doubting Thomas” may ring some bells). At least you have three name options – Thomas, Tom, and Tommie.
Conclusion: For me, the cultural associations of a name are important (eg I’d never call a child “Nigel” because it means “loner” in Australia); the ability to spell it reasonably easily is important; it should be familiar but not common to the average person; having plenty of nickname options is great (which is why “J” is a great middle initial – BJ, DJ, CJ, etc); it needs to be a gender-specific name (children have been shown to prefer to have their gender acknowledged in their name); it should sound good with our surname, including a natural rhythm; it needs an awesome meaning; it should begin with a different letter to everyone else in the house (basic name-remembering technique from writing books – goodness knows I won’t remember my kids’ names otherwise).
Middle names are for acknowledging family (assuming there aren’t any truly hideous family names – like Morag, Gertrude, Jedediah, or Judas).
Do you like your name? Why/why not?
Stay in
The view outside: There isn’t one.
The smell: Rain. And a hint of snow on the wind.
The sound: intense banging, crashing winds from the nearby mountains. Heavy rain. Birds screaming to one another. Sirens.
My plan for today: Lie down a lot. Do not leave the house for any reason. Receive a visitor in the afternoon.
Don’t you wish your plans were the same as mine?
Here’s a pic of a different storm, taken by my friend Richard Conan-Davies:
I shall now unplug the computer and go back to bed.
Not Always Right
This is a hilarious (and sometimes disturbing) site about the bizarre and funny things customers say and do. I think it’s PG, but I haven’t read enough to be certain.
Here’s three fine examples:
Medical Training These Days Is Shocking
Me: “Hello this is [name] from [college] returning your call. What can I do for you?”
Student: “Hi, I was calling to find out–”
<(A very loud noise erupts in the background. Yelling, laughing, and a strange buzzing sound ensues.)
Student: *sounding embarrassed* “Sorry about that. I work at a hospital and it’s really quiet today. Everyone’s playing Operation (the game).”
Me: *laughing* “Ma’am, you just made my day.”
Eating Steak On Rare Occasions
Customer: “I would like the 12 oz. New York Strip.”
Me: “Excellent, sir. How would you like that prepared? There is a description of all of our options on your menu.”
Customer: “Rare! And I mean extra rare! I want the cow to still be mooing on my plate!”
Me: “Alright, sir. We can do that for you. Would you–”
Customer: “I need you to write extra rare! I want it dripping blood. That is how a real man eats steak! That burnt stuff isn’t for real men! Extra rare!”
(This continues for a few minutes, until I assure the customer that I will speak to the manager in order to be sure that his steak is extra rare. I put in an order for a ‘Black and Blue’. This steak is more rare than the usual; the inside is cool and the outside seared. As promised, I tell the manager about the customer’s specific request. After I serve the food, I get flagged down by the customer.)
Customer: “What is this? This is cold! How long has it been sitting there?”
Me: “Sir, I assure you I brought your dishes out as soon as they were finished.”
Customer: “Then what is wrong with your cooks? They don’t bother cooking my food? Why is it cold?”
Me: ”Sir, you ordered your steak to be extra rare. As it explains on the menu, this means that the internal temperature of the steak will be cool.”
Customer: “What is wrong with you people? Who wants a cold steak? I never said I wanted a cold steak! I saw extra rare! That means the middle part is pink and hot! Who can eat this raw cold
stuff!”
Me: ”I apologize for the misunderstanding, sir. I can alert the management and have them make another steak for you.”
Customer: “No! I am not eating anywhere that sells food raw! This is disgusting. You people should be reported! Come on honey, let’s go to that sushi place next door!”
As Helpless As A Baby
Me: “Welcome to *** Airlines. How can I help today?”
Caller: “I need to book a ticket for my husband for May 3rd, from Tampa to Grand Rapids, Michigan.”
Me: “Thanks. Would he prefer morning, afternoon, or evening flights?”
Caller: “What does that mean?”
Me: “The morning flight leaves in the morning, at 6:45 am. The afternoon flight leaves at 1:20 pm in the afternoon. The evening flight leaves at 6:25 pm.”
Caller: “Can he get there in time?”
Me: “I don’t know, ma’am. That depends on where he’s leaving from, and how far he has to drive to the airport.”
Caller: “Oh. And those are all on May 3rd?”
Me: “Yes, ma’am.”
Caller: “My doctor’s inducing my labor on May 2nd. Will he get here in time?”
Me: “I really don’t know how long your labor will last, ma’am. That’s something you should probably consult your doctor about.”
Caller: “But is May 2nd the same day?”
Me: *baffled* “The same day as…?”
Caller: “The same day as May 3rd!”
Me: “No, ma’am. May 3rd is the day after May 2nd.”
Caller: “But what if it’s 5 in the morning?”
Me: “It’s either 5 in the morning on May 2nd, or 5 in the morning on May 3rd.”
Caller: “But is it the same day?”
Me: “Maybe you should have your husband call to book his own flight, because he’ll know how long it takes to get to the airport.”
Caller: “That’s a good idea. Should he book it for May 2nd or May 3rd?”
Me: “You should probably ask your doctor first.”
Caller: “I guess. You people make it so complicated to buy a ticket!”
Heh. Saw this and couldn’t resist:
A-moooo-sing Customers
(I am on a school trip to a mall to help with pet adoption forms. A customer comes up.)
Customer: “Gimme a f***ing dog!”
Me: “Would you like an adoption form?”
Customer: “I don’t care. I just want a dog! There’s one over there! Gimme it!”
(I look to where he is pointing. A lady is walking a dog.)
Me: “I’m sorry, but that dog doesn’t belong to us.”
Customer: “It’s because I’m [ethnicity that he clearly is not], isn’t it? ”
(At this point, I realize that he is high.)
Me: “Oh, that one is ours. Unfortunately, it is an evil space cow.”
Customer: “Holy s***!” *runs off*
Encounter with a bushranger
This is an extract from “Australian Bushrangers” by George Boxall (not recommended for younger readers):
[A Sydney tollman sharing a pipe with a stranger was rather alarmed when it turned out the stranger was the notorious bushranger Jackey Jackey.]
“Ain’t you afraid of being took?” asked the tollman. Jackey laughed. “I’d like to see who’ll stop me while I’ve these little bull-dogs about me,” he said, tapping his pistols. He stood chatting while he smoked, regardless of the fact that Grose’s farm, now the grounds of the Sydney University, was within a stone’s-throw of the toll-bar. He offered the tollman some money and asked him to go to the public house for some rum. The tollman replied, “I can’t leave the bar.” “All right,” returned Jackey, “then I’ll get it myself.” He went away to Toogood’s inn and returned in a few minutes with a half-pint of rum. He gave some to the toll-keeper and took a stiff glass himself. Then he shook hands with the tollman, mounted his horse, and rode on.
Dialogue
Want to write good dialogue? This article at Ripping Ozzie Reads has links to so much information you can go back to it every week for a year.
Dynamic Dialogue
Last week Rita asked about ‘beats’ in dialogue. This was a term I had only seen used in plays or scripts when the author leaves a ‘beat’ before the character answers to create suspense.
It appears the term ‘beat’ has been applied by writers as a form of tag, only this tag drives the story forward with action or reveal character reaction.
A dialogue tag can be:
‘How dare you!’ she said.
It can also be:
She slammed the mug down on the table. ‘How dare you!’
In this case the action is the tag because it identifies the speaker and tells us how the character is feeling. And this is what people are calling ‘beats’. It is what I was told was an ‘action tag’ when I first started writing.
For a fuller explanation. . .
Read the rest here.
And here’s your official cat pic of the week:
A steampunk series (that’s actually dieselpunk fantasy)
For CJ’s birthday, I bought him “The Laws of Magic: Hour of Need” by Michael Pryor. I was pleasantly surprised to discover it’s the last book in the series (most writers who get past three books can’t seem to stop).
The series is about Aubrey FitzWilliam, son of the PM in an alternate reality where an evil sorceror aims to start World War 1. Aubrey is very magically gifted, brave, and loyal to his (rather excellent) parents.
First of all, the important questions when a series ends:
1. Did it really end – are all loose ends tied up as well as they should be? Yes.
2. Is it satisfying/does it have the feeling of an end? Yes.
3. Did the writer get sick of their series and rush through when they glimpsed the end of all that work? Maaaayyybe, a little. This should be the strongest (or second-strongest, after book 1), and in my opinion it’s only okay (although the series as a whole is pretty good, so that’s in context).
Backing up slightly, what do I think of the steampunk-ness of the series?
I like it. Steampunk often has a strong bent towards technology, which I tend to find a little dull compared to magic. This series has a unique and effective magic system. It’s rare when a book manages to “show, not tell” that the hero is magically gifted (because first you have to educate the reader on how it works), but these books absolutely do. It’s instantly understandable, and instantly impressive – with no list of “This is what this array of magical devices does”.
The world itself has a sense of honour and courage which I always enjoy. Plus, airships. The plots are exciting and I particularly loved a large plot about the consequences of Aubrey’s inexperience early on in the series – which continues to have an impact in the very end.
How about the characters?
I hate them. Hate them, hate them, hate them. Especially Aubrey. And his best friend (very much a “Watson” type character). Oh, and the love interest.
They’re just sooooooo, soooooooo irritating. Specifically, they’re pompous – Aubrey worst of all. (In addition to being a sexist idiot – which, given the strength of his mum and female friends, can’t be excused by the historical period.) Even the neutral narrator is pompous. The entire “voice” of the series irritates me.
It took me quite a while to get into the books, because they work really hard at being funny. I almost never like that (even Terry Pratchett, who I know intellectually is a genius, feels like an amateur to me – humour has that effect on me when it’s written down). Then I got into them, and found them funny. Then irritating again. Then mildly amusing.
CJ likes the books better than I do, but often stops dead as Aubrey does something especially stupid. He leaves it for several weeks or months, then grits his teeth and jumps back in.
I’ve read the whole series, and no-one made me do it – but I was relieved to finally be finished with it. I doubt I’ll read Michael Pryor again – but you never know.
(Next time I review a book, I’ll pick one I actually like 🙂 ).
Move House
One of my friends recently bought a flat. It’s so incredibly exciting to watch all the drama unfold, and have no actual financial responsibility of my own.
I saw the flat before she moved in, when it had the tenants’ furniture in it. I wanted so badly to see it when it was completely empty and pristine, but I was too sick and had to settle for photos. Still cool, though, and I can’t wait until I’m well enough to go and see it in its fully-moved-in state.
CJ and two other manly men helped her move in – scoffing at stairs, and making the move way more exciting by using the “direct route” (observe the couch cushion on the left):
Congratulations, Ann – you’ve done an amazing thing.
Felicity Banks 