“The Captain’s Daughter” so far
1
I curled my toes around the narrow foot-rope, and dug my nails into the knot tying up the sail. No good; I bite my nails too much. On the up side, my teeth are good. I leaned into the wind and pulled at the knot with my teeth. Spitting fibers, I pulled the rope free.
Da’s first mate, Hank, met me on deck. He said, “You’re disgusting, Gail. Biting at ropes like a dog.”
“At least I don’t look like one.”
2
Da called me to his cabin. “Sir?” I said.
He said, “In here, call me Da.”
“Yes Da.”
“You’re old enough now to think of your future.”
“Oh.” My heart sank. I bit my nails, wondering if he’d marry me off.
He cleared his throat: “I want you to be captain after me.”
“What?”
He said, “The men know you – and I won’t live forever.”
I said, “You WILL live forever, Da – I order it.”
He grinned: “Whatever you say.”
3
We neared a familiar port. I held the lead line – mainly so I could sit apart from the rest and wonder if they’d really obey me one day. The cord ran through my hands and stopped. I stared for a second before realising the harbour floor had shifted. “Avast! Turn about!”
My friend Jim was on the wheel, and he pulled hard. The ship wailed as it turned too hard, but we made it safely. Jim, at least, obeyed me.
4
I still wanted to think, so I stayed on board while the rest went to spend their gold or line their pockets with other people’s purses. Da came back with a red-faced and slouching boy who wouldn’t meet my eye. He introduced my brother, Al.
Al said, “I’m gonna be captain.”
“No you ain’t!” I said.
He threw a punch and I threw it back, giving him a nice bloody nose with his own fist. Da sent me to the hold.
5
Da came to me: “I didn’t know about Al until now – and Hank said the men’d be ashamed to let a woman lead them. He knows the crew, Gail.”
I shook my head at him, too furious to speak.
Da said, “It’ll be better this way – you’ll see. We’ll find a place for you.”
Da left, and I fumed. The ship was mine, and no long-lost landlubber kid was going to take it from me. I was NOT going to be married off!
6
A dash of bilgewater poured into my face, waking me. I couldn’t help noticing the ship was heeling badly. Above me, thunder rolled. I watched as rats leapt and scuttled up the walls, leaving the bilgewater and I alone. Hm.
I climbed on top of some crates and held on.
7
The hatch opened and Al peered in, munching on a fresh red apple. My stomach growled.
“Our Da sent me to let you out,” he said. “There’s a big storm happening. I wouldn’t want my baby sister to get hurt.” He closed the hatch, and I heard the lock turn.
“Baby?” I muttered, and followed the rats upward. Da had long since taught me to undo any lock. If he said I was allowed out, I was free.
8
I was tugging on a line with Al when we were all tumbled by a rogue wave. Most of us were smart enough to hold on. Al wasn’t. I let go and dived for my landlubber half-brother, and caught hold of his curly red hair just before he was swept overboard.
When the wave was gone, I let go of Al’s hair and went to tie up the sails. He got up – slowly. We both knew I’d saved his life.
9
Al and I worked and I saw Da nod an apology to me. He’d taught me long ago that sometimes, a captain needs to turn a blind eye. I got that.
We made port at Tin Island – the place Da found me when I was just a kid. The orphanage stood majestically shining on a high hill.
10
Da summoned all hands. “As you are aware, I now know I have two able-bodied children. I intend to leave this ship to one of them. Here is the challenge: Whichever one gains the most gold in the next two weeks will be my heir. Are we agreed?” The crew cheered.
I gave Da a nod of thanks, and he grinned back. All I had to do was get more gold, and the crew’s hearts and minds were mine forever.
11
Da found me in the market and asked me to come with him. We walked all the way up the winding orphanage path, past children working. “Why bring me back to this hole?” I asked.
Da said, “Sometimes, our future is found in the past.”
He left me at the same place Ma dumped me.
My old mistress tried to sell me a “good, hard-working set of twins” and I said I’d think about it. I slipped the kids a few coins and fled.
12
I suddenly realised why Da had reminded me of my past. Rope in hand, I went back up the hill to the orphanage and climbed the back wall. The strongboxes were where I remembered them. Mistress had punished me once by making me count out all the gold coins in one trunk. Mistress’ Dobermans ran to attack, but the mum remembered me. I’d always treated her well.
I took as much gold as I could carry.
13
I presented my haul publicly, and promised the same again. Da hid his smile. I saw cogs turning in the heads of the crew, and knew I’d won.
Al took me aside: “This is a fool’s contest. What say we get rid of the greedy old man and take this ship as ours.”
“No!”
He drew his sword. I grabbed his blade with my hand and kneed him in the groin. He pulled back, splitting my palm, and bashed my head with the hilt. I fell.
14
When I awoke, Hank was there. I blinked: “Why are we in the hold?”
“Because your brother bribed me to kill you while your Da was with him.”
I said, “You like bribes, then?”
Hank smiled and drew his sword.
I said, “Let me go, and I’ll tell you where I got all that gold.”
I went up on deck smiling.
Hank was honorable enough to leave my death for later. I hoped he enjoyed meeting my old mistress’ Doberman.
15
I hadn’t seen Al, and hoped he’d fled to make a different life for himself. But I had a bad feeling, and went to check on Da. I unpicked the lock and flung open the door to my exhausted Da and brother, each bleeding in a dozen places. I yelled my rage and attacked.
Al fled.
Da collapsed, and I ran to him instead of giving chase. “Gail, I’m so sorry – for everything.”
“Shut up,” I said, and bandaged him.
16
There was no sign of Al when we set sail. I privately hoped my old mistress found him.
“Where’s Hank?” Da asked.
I said, “Dog food.”
17
Da surprised me by officially passing across captaincy of his ship to me. The crew cheered – evidently, I was the last to know. I straightened up, accepting my new life. Jim winked, and I wondered if he was being disrespectful. He confused me. That could be an issue.
18
I made Da keep his cabin, but we were both on night watch so it didn’t matter. Not until we finished, and found a corpse locked in there.
Kip was just another member of the crew until I found him stabbed in the captain’s cabin. Who would do something like that?
Our cook ran out of the galley. “Who took my apples? They were for a pie for all of us. Where are they?”
Suddenly I knew: Al was a stowaway.
19
We searched the ship room by room and found another dead body – stabbed in the back. Al was a coward as well as a killer. But it got worse. The crew took Da and I and locked us inside Da’s cabin. “If you can’t protect us, we’ll take Al over you,” they said.
Jim didn’t look at me.
Da and I stood with clenched fists, waiting for Al’s visit. We heard him pass, but he didn’t visit – not even to gloat.
20
Al came to see us: “Will you obey my command?”
“Not a chance,” I said.
Da tried to stand in front of me, so he’d be killed first.
Al left us to stew all day. Someone snuck a dagger under the door, and I hid it under my shirt and hoped it wouldn’t come to that.
“Gail?” said Da.
I said, “Mm?”
“Did I mention I was sorry about your brother? From about a day after we met?”
“I had gotten that feeling.”
#71: Learn to spell “unneccessary”
unnecessary
Phew! That was tough, man.
You can tell I had quite a brainstorming session when I began the Daily Awesomeness scheme. This has always bothered me. And now I know the truth: Two ‘n’s, one ‘c’, two ‘s’s.
A reader just submitted a giant and inventive list of awesomenesses. Here’s a few samples of what I’ll be getting into:
Write an unusual Wikipedia article (not trolling, rather a very
legitimate article on some highly obscure specialty of yours)
Take out a Job Ad in Saturday’s paper advertising for something
unusual (Have you seen that one ‘Wanted: someone to travel back in
time and help me hunt dinosaurs. I cannot guarantee your safety, I
have only done this once before’…? something like that.)
Then publish this along with the more unusual/sarcastic responses.
(Possible Ad: ‘Local Start-up seeks Vampire Hunter. Will train, some
decapitation experience preferred but not required’)
Put a note in a Bottle and drop it into Lake Ginninderra
Create a Time Capsule to enlighten future archeologists on the topics
that historians are unlikely to mention in depth (e.g. Reality tv,
Bieber fever, public toilet ettiquette)
Recreate famous Hoax Photos (i.e. ‘the Surgeon’s photograph’ of the
Loch Ness Monster, the Bigfoot photo, that ‘I want to believe’ UFO
photograph) in sarcastic ways (i.e. put googley eyes on the Burley
Griffin Monster, have the local Yowie be wearing a visible Ipod, have
the UFO be a Cookie, etc.)
Make a piece of modern art.
—
And here’s some pictures of the Young Endeavour – my #1 favourite place to research piracy (and yes, I did).
#226: The perfect avocado (and, hooning)
Avocados are a temperamental and capricious fruit.*
Today I opened one, and it was perfect. That happens rarely, my friends, if ever.
In other news, moments ago I found myself pulling up at traffic lights with music on (always) and all my windows down (it was hot). Next to me I heard the unmistakable guffawing of a Group Of Youths – specifically, Young Men. Their car was brimful of testosterone and a bass beat some would describe as “pumpin”. I turned my own music off (theirs was better) and carefully pretended that I hadn’t noticed them. When the lights went green, I raced away with a squeal of brakes and quickly outpaced them!** It was terribly exciting. Thanks to a pair of overlarge sunglasses, to the car door hiding my iconic ankle-length skirt, and to a recent change of hairstyle, there’s no possible way for outsiders to recognise my deviant self.***
The fuzz will never find me, and the Youths will never catch me.
And. . . here’s more Johnny Depp.****
*or are they a vegetable?
**having failed to notice they, unlike me, were turning right.
***except by looking at my car.
****who is not quite as manly as I am right now.
S#15: Fly a Kite
So easy! So magic! Up, up and away!
Also, there were mushrooms. That’s always good.
And ninjas.
Okay, I admit I didn’t see any ninjas, but
(a) That doesn’t mean they weren’t there.
(b) It seems only fair to represent ninjas after all the pirates lately.
#225: Spring Clean
Admit it. You did not see this one coming. I’ve read about spring cleaning in books, and I understood the general concept, but today for the first time I did it for myself. Our house had a teensy black mould problem, not helped by the unusually wet few months we’ve just had. Today I opened all the windows and doors, sprayed exit mould until my head spun around and even repotted two of my plants. I know – craaaaazzzy. Ana freaked out and ran up and down the stairs in a wild-eyed panic (which was helpful for air circulation, I’m sure). I also washed all our clothes and towels.
Hopefully CJ and I will be able to fly our borrowed kite this evening. It’s looking good.
Speaking of wild adventure, your pirate pic of the day (from gamerevolution.com):
Ana could totally take him.
#231: Cut your own hair in a fit of rage
When I cut out chocolate I:
1. Lose the will to live
2. Cry a lot
3. Get headaches
4. Struggle to stay awake during the day (which leads to insomnia, then a vicious cycle)
5. Write less
6. Get gross skin (you’d think the opposite would happen, but it doesn’t – the effect of the no-chocolate stress outweighs the effect of the eating-less-oil)
7. Have strong violent urges eg I recently punched CJ’s iphone* (not a sane thing for a financially-stressed person to do).
The Gilmore Girls has been helping to pass the long, hopeless hours until I can eat chocolate again (which helps with #1 and #4), but it doesn’t help me express frustration at all – hence # 7. Last night was especially bad, so I grabbed a pair of scissors and hacked off about 6 inches of my flowing locks. After that my urge to kill was much diminished.** I continued to shed chunks of hair for several rather itchy hours.
At some point soon I’ll get CJ to fix it up a bit.
Here’s your pirate pic for the day. It’s for sale if you go to joshsimagination.blogspot.com (rating unknown).
In related chocolate/violent-urges news, I let myself weigh in a day early today on the basis that it’s that special (and nauseous) time of the month, so I decided that if I made my weight goal for this week I could skip exercise today. After lengthy contortions, I beat the scales into submission. Which means no exercise today, and I feel like all (or at least most) of this last week’s awfulness has made a difference. Hence, feeling a lot better. The worst dieting time is always femininity-related, so it should get better from here.
*Well it WAS giving me attitude
**. . . yay
#35: Cook with butter
I’m so depressed by the lack of chocolate in my life that I currently struggle to stay awake. Fortunately, I have a trusty envelope of Easy Awesomeness, which I cracked open today and found this gem. I’ve also been mainlining “Gilmore Girls”, and the food onscreen has been making me hungry. So today, for the first time in living memory, I made French Toast.
I mixed 1/4th cup of milk with one egg in a bowl, soaked two slices of white bread in it, fried them in butter, then spread them with more butter*, and sprinkled the results with sugar.
I forgot to take a photo, but French Toast is one of the most buttery-summery-toastedy-looking dishes on earth. Play along at home rating: extremely easy and rewarding.
Here’s another fiesty figure of history – but be warned, I was too morose to sit at the computer long enough to read it, so I don’t know the rating.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catalina_de_Erauso
A more detailed version of her exploits:
http://www.corrieweb.nl/amazon/historicax13.htm
*and extra butter
Coming soon: Fly a kite. A better mood. Etc.
#224: Visit a display home
Today CJ and I drove to Murrumbateman to visit a display home and see how drool-resistant modern floors really are.*
The kitchen was sooo dreamy.
You’ll notice it has the same floating-bench-with-sink-and-dishwasher that I put in my fantasy house plan the other day.
CJ had a manly swoon at the rising power point (also on the floating bench) – and of course the fact it was designed to be North-facing. It also had bathrooms with separate toilets, which I adore. I also adore the fake stone stuff out the front and under the bench.
The clock in the above picture may look familiar. That’s because CJ and I were given one** when we married.
We did actually learn some interesting stuff between the druglord fantasies. This particular company – Regal homes – can adjust almost anything in the home design to your preferences (including moving walls, chopping bits off, etc). Their cheapest homes cost about $250,000 to build (which at least gives us an idea – that’s for 3 bedrooms and a study, which is more than we’d need anyway). It costs $15,000 to knock down an old home – which is so much less than I thought that it opens up some interesting possibilities.
We’ll just see.
In the meantime, here’s a lady who might have got on with Anne Bonny (my favourite part is when she fakes her lover’s death by digging up a corpse and then burning down the nunnery where they were both, clearly, naughty nuns).
http://www.eldacur.com/~brons/Maupin/LaMaupin.html
*quite
**after some not-so-subtle hintage from yours truly
S#1: Pyjama party
Today’s awesomeness mission: “In bed. Just you, something (or someone) to snuggle, a laptop, notebook or sketchpad, some rad music, a good movie, and a hot cup of chocolate. It’s the perfect antidote for dreary weather or cancelled plans.”
I
I
In two and a half hours it will have been three and a half weeks without chocolate or lollies in the world of Louise. I’m now letting myself drink weight watcher’s chocolate milk – one a day. It really doesn’t cut it, but it’s a lot better than nothing.
Today I had breakfast and watched some “Gilmore Girls”. Then that was too much work and I went and had a lie down (both cats were way ahead of me). Then that was too much work and I fell asleep. Then I woke up and had my pretend-chocolate ration while watching “Gilmore Girls”. I expect the cycle will go around a few more times before the day is done. There’s a reason this awesomeness was #1 on the steffmetal.com list.
The rest of you can cheer yourself up, too – just click on the link below. It has very mild language and themes (the rest of the site is sometimes NOT for children). It retells my absolute favourite part of history: Real-life pirate girls Anne Bonny and Mary Read dressed as boys, fell in love, fought duels, and defied the King.
S#49: Get mentioned on TV
Yep, today is a day of double awesomeness.
An infamous twittertales blog entry was just described by the unforgettable Chrissie Swan on “The Circle” TV show – with my full writing name, and the fact that I blogged about it.
Here’s the original hilarious tale:
http://shootingthrough.net/2010/01/11/january-11-toilet-travails/
PS: Technically, this entry is “Achieve a lifelong dream”. I think, on the basis of the luck required for my cunning plan to work, this counts.
Felicity Banks 