S#25: Watchword
My mission, from steffmetal.com:
“Change your passwords on your email, your bank, your paypal account, everything, to words that make you smile. Banana, elocution, duped, muggle, flippant, pumpkmen, snooty, sneed, salacious. . . the possibilities are endless!”
For obvious reasons, all I can say is that I did. Feel free to play along at home – or make suggestions, if you like. What are your favourite words?
So here’s photos of the sky creeping up on me:
.
And HERE is the post you’ve all been waiting for – huzzah for the extremely entertaining antics of real historical pirates (PG for mild language – the site itself is unrated, and not at all child-oriented):
http://steffmetal.com/history-robberies-murders-notorious-pirates-review/
This is a post I’ve been planning for months, so do click on it.
S#88: Facebook Friends
Steffmetal.com suggested making a facebook friend into an actual friend. This works great for me, because I release my twittertales on facebook as well, which means I have a ridiculous number of facebook friends, and I haven’t the faintest who most of them are.
A couple of days ago, someone initiated a conversation with me, and I responded. Turned out Complete Random # 678 was also a writer, living in Sydney, and after a genuinely enjoyable chat I ended up joining an entire online writing community on his recommendation.
So go ahead and play along at home – turn a facebook friend into a real friend.
In other news, since I now carry a camera with me (ready for awesomeness to occur so I can trap it and sell it to the London Botanical Society), I took this picture during a red light:
This awesomeness was probably a lot more interesting for me than for you, so here’s something to tide y’all over until tomorrow:
You’re welcome.
S#43: Archery
Frequent viewers will be aware that my lack of coordination is famed on three continents. My friends and CJ and I had a Discussion About Louise And Sharp Objects and mutually decided that I wouldn’t be shooting arrows anyplace, ever.
So, with any aura of practicality out of the way, I got my Lord of the Rings on.
I call that picture, “Are you taking a photo?”
The umbrella and brick wall weren’t doing it for me, so I ran and pulled down a curtain.
Good ay?
Now let’s zoom out a little (like they do on CSI):
If you look closely, you’ll notice:
1. The pirate ship in the top left.
2. My brown skirt peeking out underneath the dress due to an over-hasty change. (Superman I’m not.)
3. Three other ships.
4. One sneakered foot belonging to my curtain.*
I wasn’t strong enough to draw the bow very far at all – those things are meant to be tough. As you can tell by the fingers of my left hand in the first shot, I wasn’t especially good at just holding the arrow, let alone anything else. But it was awesome all the same.
This week I’ve written not just one but two brilliant and true pirate history posts for steffmetal.com. I’ll let you know when they’re up – possibly as soon as tomorrow.
To tide you over until then, a picture from jackiemorris.co.uk:
So, what happened with ebay on the fateful day**?
Nothing. Not a sausage. It was quite thrilling to sit and watch as each of eighteen items utterly failed to sell. They’re back online now, with better discounts, better pictures, and a better display system. I can see by the numbers of watchers (plural this time) that things are already picking up.
Also, I lost just over a kilo this week – which means I’ve lost 4.1 kilos on this current no-junk journey, and I’ve just reached the halfway point (in terms of time, not weight). I face three more weeks with no chocolate, no sugary drinks, and no lollies or cake or biscuits – and then we’ll see. To get into the healthy weight range, I need to lose 10 kilos altogether, which MIGHT be possible by the end of the year (which’d be worth a lot, since that was my main goal for 2010).
And today is Tuesday, which means Publisher B might reply. They’ve had one of my books for 18 months***, and another for a year.
*Thanks Ben.
**yesterday
***but who’s counting?
“Salt”, “The Other Guys”, and “Despicable Me”
I watched three movies in two days over the weekend, so here’s my thoughts (for what they’re worth*):
“Salt”
Spy thriller starring Angelina Jolie
The plot was a little sillier than I expected, even in a spy thriller. But I was still able to enjoy the movie, which had more to do with action and character than anything else (the character wasn’t super deep, but she didn’t need to be any deeper than she was). I was genuinely stressed, and I enjoyed the movie. The action scenes and various devices/disguises were completely unrealistic – but that is what I look for in the genre (see Exhibit A: every James Bond ever – action scenes are meant to be unusual, not lifelike). Bonus points for having a woman who actually removes her impractical shoes before running/jumping/climbing. Tom Cruise was originally meant to play the title character, and then it was rewritten for Jolie. Every so often I imagined Tom Cruise in it, and I was much happier with Jolie. She’s just so much cooler.
By far the least plausible part was the background plot of hundreds of kids brainwashed into becoming Russian sleeper agents who lived as average Americans for years or decades. As my friend pointed out, a Russian sleeper cell has just been found in America. Hmm. I forgive the brainwashing, too, because of what happened in the movie. Sorry, I can’t say any more than that or you’ll have to kill me. 3.5 out of 5 stars.
Best line: Would you mind looking after my dog for a while (the hero is on the run and just escaped from the government by climbing out her window and along to the neighbour’s little girl – with her dog in her backpack)?
“The Other Guys”
Buddy cop comedy starring Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell.
The plot was completely rambling and stupid (although the stuff about financial scams in the credits was GREAT); the characters were ugly, charmless, and unfunny (which, to be fair, they were meant to be); and the effects were silly. The worst part was that it was sooooooo self-indulgent. Wahlburg and Ferrell clearly find each other hilarious, and so each scene just drags on and on as they wander past jokes and keep filming for the other two-thirds of the scene. A lot was improvised, and boy does it show. Rating: 0.5 out of 5. I didn’t pay for it, but I resent the time spent trapped in the hole that is this movie. The best part was that the Rock was in it – for two scenes.
Best line: “Aim for the bushes” (not, of course, said by either main character but by the two heroic cops who then jump off a twenty-storey building without any equipment whatsoever)
“Despicable Me”
Children’s comedy voiced by Steve Carell etc
This is about an evil genius who is getting outdone by younger (and infinitely more annoying) competition – so he decides to steal the moon, using a shrink ray. He adopts three extremely cute orphan girls in order to get into the (other) baddy’s fortress, and slowly finds he likes them. This was genuinely funny throughout, with exactly 2.5 sappy scenes (I was wary going in, and was pleasantly surprised). If someone told me it was produced by Pixar, I’d believe it. The humour was better suited to adults than the humour in “The Other Guys” – mostly because it wasn’t based on “Hey, look how unfunny we are! Funny, right?!?!” I was a little disturbed by how fat and ugly basically all the adult characters were drawn, but oh well. I left the movie happier than I went in. The characterisation is well done, and almsot all the character development is done with subtlety (with looks rather than long dull emotional conversations). The hundreds of mini-minions never stop being awesome. Rating: 4 out of 5 stars.
One of the best lines (many of the best are visual): I meant to close that. (As they test an anti-gravity gun and a minion drifts, meeping in disress, out of the open skylight.)
*This blog is, of course, free
#146: Barefoot for a Whole Day
Well, I did it.
I gotta admit, I thought my feet would be way dirtier. I guess the late-stage grass and/or carpet neutralised some of the filth.
In the morning I hung out washing, then took CJ to the Carillon island (at one stage he attempted to carry both me and all our picnic supplies out of a patch of prickles). I mentioned death-defying stunts. Here they are:
It’s a lot scarier than it looks. Observe the terror in my eyes:
After that we went home, and then at night we went out to the movies (still, in my case, barefoot). Then I checked the oil level in the car (perilously low, thanks for asking), took a foot photo, washed my feet, and went to bed.
The End.
Within the next few hours, I’ll find out if anyone real is going to buy any of our surprisingly valuable jewellery. Drum roll please. You’ll all find out tomorrow. At the moment, two of the twenty items are being “watched”, and another one has had a question.
And, while we’re on the topic of barefootedness, here’s today’s scurvy villain (in terrifying statuette from wholesalecentral.com):
What kind of person would buy a statuette with skulls?
Just saying.
Speaking of barefootedness, Canberra is having a genuine Zombie Walk on November 27! It looks like hundreds of people are coming – including me, of course. Here’s the details: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=120640534658762&index=1
Will you be there? Want to arrange a place to lurk together?
Probably NOT a good idea for children. You might not be scared of zombies any more, but I certainly am. “Shaun of the Dead” gave me nightmares (nighmares with a zeppelin, but nightmares all the same).
PS: Alternate titles for “Lord of the Rings”. Read the comments; they’re just as good.
http://www.tor.com/blogs/2010/11/alternative-titles-for-lord-of-the-rings
#222: Kidnap Your Date
You know it’s gonna be a good date when you take your partner in the car looking like this:
I took a circuitous path to the secret location, and CJ was soon lost.
My cunning plan was to walk him onto a certain island at just the right time, leaving the blindfold on until a certain sound happened, when he’d suddenly know where he was. Sadly, the route I’d taken was too circuitous, and we were about five minutes late. CJ didn’t mind. He realised where we were the instant I opened the car door.
Yep, the National Carillon. It’s usually playing from 12:30-1:20 on Sundays (pause as Louise casts a subtle eye toward the followers of this blog who have brand new boyfriends*). They played, among other pieces, “Yellow Submarine”, “The Addams Family” and the strangely appropriate “He Had It Coming.”
I’ve written about the Crillon before, sometimes even for money (go on, click the link!)
The island itself is beautiful, and we walked all the way around (something I didn’t dare do by myself, since there’s a strong possibility of stumbling across a pair making out in one of the dozens of semi-secluded spots). Along the way we spotted a Mysterious Rat-Like Creature (sleek, furry, and about a foot long – not including a presumed tail) diving into the water. That was definitely a highlight. Was it an otter? Was it really a rat (it didn’t appear to come back up)? An escaped ferret? A secret governmental water camera?
Inquiring minds want to know (but never will).
I did at least get a photo of this guy, who obligingly posed for about twenty minutes. Sit, Bobo! Stay!
We passed three patches of rose petals. I’m pretty sure that if CSI wanted to, they could analyse the rate of decomposition and work out exactly when the weddings occurred. Then they could analyse the level of sweat on the petals to determine how stressed the bridal party was, and extrapolate that into predicting whether the marriage will succeed or not.
With SCIENCE!!
CJ and I found a nice patch of grass, ate our lunch, and watched pleasure-boats pootle by.
I apologise for the above photo, featuring the High Court building. Lake Burley Griffin is surrounded by beautiful and/or intriguing buildings, and that’s just dead ugly. CJ said it was a product of its time – and that’s certainly true. There was a time when sheer naked concrete was considered special. But this is not that day. THIS IS NOT THAT DAY!!**
I feel a little sorry for those who paid to go on a ferry and meander past all these gorgeous islands without the fun of being able to dig their bare toes into the cool grass.*** Suckers.
Once we’d had lunch, CJ promptly and picturesquely fell asleep.
Tomorrow’s awesomeness is a reader suggestion – “Go entirely barefoot for one day”, which I’m actually still doing today. I’d forgotten that the island of the National Carillon is built entirely on duck poo and prickles.
The things I do for you people. And CJ and I are going out again after dinner.
So tomorrow’s blog will include pics of my death-defying Carillon island tree climb, and a fashion shoot of how dirty my feet end up after all our adventures.
Coming soon: Tomorrow is also when our initial ebay time runs out, and we may or may not (probably not) get money. I’ll let you know. Also coming soon: Archery. ZOMBIE WALK!! Watchwords. Facebook friends. And more.
In completely different news, here is an article on modern piracy (the kind with cellphones, governmental corruption/weakness, and weapons that kill innocent people). Modern piracy costs around $13 billion a year.
http://www.criminaljusticeusa.com/blog/2009/10-shocking-facts-about-modern-day-pirates/
*Two, that I know of.
**And duck poo.
***Ask Aragorn. He knows.
#221: Dream Big
Thanks to our (still theoretical) wealth, my mind has been scurrying away into bright paths of, “What if we could build a house, instead of buying one?” I’m fairly sure it’s insane – $11,000 (even if we were able to sell the jewellery at its full price) is not going to make us the kind of people who can have any kind of house they want – but my capacity for logic is long gone.
Yesterday I was able to make a deposit into our bank account that means we’re slightly closer to being on track for our savings goal 2010 – without even allowing for the jewellery to make a profit. The remarkable thing is that I made that deposit from my income, rather than CJ’s. Generally once we buy groceries and petrol and pay our tithe, my income is gone. The power went to my head and I drew a house. I don’t mind saying that I love it.
The house faces North (very important in the Southern hemisphere), the laundry is close to the washing line (with a door outside), and both bathrooms have separate toilets (which will be handy when we have kids – and if/when either bathroom is used for food preparation). The kitchen, dining, and living are all open plan, but there’ll be an internal floor-to-ceiling curtain if we only want to heat one section. And an arched driveway, so almost no reversing, and plenty of room for friends’ cars.
The green section is (just) liveable while the rest of the house is getting built – and in the future it could be rented out (possibly to one of our children). There’s plans for future extension – a double garage linking to the laundry (so we don’t need to go outside to get to the car – what luxury!), and ultimately a two-storey hexagonal tower (the top room will be a sunroom – still North-facing, but with Western windows for sunsets – and basic kitchen plumbing below so that we can link it to the kids’ bathrooms and make it another flat in its own right).
I think bedsitters are the best thing ever – first you get to let your kids get used to independence without risk, and then once they’re long gone, you can use it as an ever-increasing retirement fund.
I have a completely plausible plan for making this happen, which I’ll express here with a simple picture (from hapfairy.co.uk):
In other news, Scott Westerfeld is an excellent author, and it turns out he’s also the kind of person I’d love to hang out with. Check out what he wrote in response to somebody whining about how unrealistic and shallow steampunk is. (I read the article he refers to, and that was precisely my reaction.)
http://scottwesterfeld.com/blog/2010/11/genre-cooties/
“Leviathan” is great steampunk stuff, but very much the beginning of a series. The second book, “Behemoth” has just come out. CJ begged to buy it in hardcover, and as soon as our heads are financially above water, we will.
S#26: Swing Low, Sweet Chariot
If the rain in Canberra continues much longer, we’ll all drown. The sky is bleak and the wind is cold. So much for Spring. All my instincts are telling me to get back into bed, avoid all possibility of exercise, and eat nothing but chocolate. But I won’t. The next-best option is sitting on the couch watching “Gilmore Girls” until I have to go to work, which is fundamentally what I’m doing (I already went for a swim, and am now able to VERY CAREFULLY get in and out of the pool without flashing anyone via my velcro fly) – with one exception: Awesomeness must occur.
Today’s awesomeness was to ride on a swing. Brilliant, I thought. It’s free, I can walk to a playground from here, and it’s a little bit like flying. This will be the best “play along at home” ever!
I forgot one tiny thing: I’m too big.
I shoved my bulk into the swing with considerable difficulty, and swung cautiously so I didn’t fall over backwards. The swing I chose is overlooked by a block of flats, with about a hundred windows pointing toward the overweight girl with unbrushed hair and crocs. I’m pretty sure the chains on the sides will cause bruises to flower on my legs over the next few days.
And then I walked home. If I wasn’t newly confident of my journey into the healthy weight range, that would have been horribly depressing.
But it was still worth doing. 99% of awesome activities make me feel happier, regardless of whether they’re successful or not.
If you’re a writer, you’ll know that your main character must be proactive, or the story flops. It’s something hardwired into human nature. Whatever it is that makes us need proactive heroes also makes us feel better after the simplest activities – going for a walk, buying a Christmas present early, or stealing the neighbour’s flowers. Try it, and see if it works for you.
In the meantime, from concurringopinions.com, a semi-realistic pirate:
Coming soon: I’m kidnapping CJ and taking him to a secret location on Sunday. Also, hopefully selling some jewellery on ebay on Monday (but it’s not looking good). Archery (hopefully the non-fatal kind). And more.
“The Captain’s Daughter” so far
In theory, I post the current twittertale so far each Friday (immediately before posting that day’s awesomeness). Today, I actually remembered.
The Captain’s Daughter
1
I curled my toes around the narrow foot-rope, and dug my nails into the knot tying up the sail. No good; I bite my nails too much.
On the up side, my teeth are good. I leaned into the wind and pulled at the knot with my teeth. Spitting fibers, I pulled the rope free.
Da’s first mate, Hank, met me on deck. He said, “You’re disgusting, Gail. Biting at ropes like a dog.”
“At least I don’t look like one.”
2
Da called me to his cabin. “Sir?” I said.
He said, “In here, call me Da.”
“Yes Da.”
“You’re old enough now to think of your future.”
“Oh.”
My heart sank. I bit my nails, wondering if he’d marry me off. He cleared his throat: “I want you to be captain after me.”
“What?”
He said, “The men know you – and I won’t live forever.”
I said, “You WILL live forever, Da – I order it.”
He grinned: “Whatever you say.”
3
We neared a familiar port. I held the lead line – mainly so I could sit apart from the rest and wonder if they’d really obey me one day.
The cord ran through my hands and stopped. I stared for a second before realising the harbour floor had shifted. “Avast! Turn about!”
My friend Jim was on the wheel, and he pulled hard. The ship wailed as it turned too hard, but we made it safely. Jim, at least, obeyed me.
4
I still wanted to think, so I stayed on board while the rest went to spend their gold or line their pockets with other people’s purses.
Da came back with a red-faced and slouching boy who wouldn’t meet my eye. He introduced my brother, Al. Al said, “I’m gonna be captain.”
“No you ain’t!” I said. He threw a punch and I threw it back, giving him a nice bloody nose with his own fist. Da sent me to the hold.
5
Da came to me: “I didn’t know about Al until now – and Hank said the men’d be ashamed to let a woman lead them. He knows the crew, Gail.”
I shook my head at him, too furious to speak. Da said, “It’ll be better this way – you’ll see. We’ll find a place for you.”
Da left, and I fumed. The ship was mine, and no long-lost landlubber kid was going to take it from me. I was NOT going to be married off!
S#21: Hydration
As per steffmetal.com’s suggestion, I changed my water consumption method from an ordinary glass to this one, which my mum painted for me several Christmases ago (the flowers were a Steampunk Earth Day gift):
It’s always a good feeling to drink from a nice glass. It’s also adds a hint of danger, since you know that if you sneeze unexpectedly, you’ll not only shatter your mum’s handmade gift, but also probably get glass shards in your eyes.
Fortunately, I eat* danger for breakfast.
Today’s picture speaks for itself.
Thus far the face of ebay has not blessed us (unless you like really elaborate, detailed scams and/or getting insulted by randoms**). Most of the items run out of time on Monday, so if anyone actually buys anything, that’ll probably be the day. In the meantime, we remain on rations.
Speaking of rations. . . I’m hungry, shaky, and shivering, so evidently the diet is going swimmingly. Feeling grumpy but mentally strong, which is about as good as can be hoped.
Go eat a chocolate for me. But don’t report back this time.
*drink
**I know I do
Felicity Banks 