Further Naked Calisthenics
I discovered a new trick on the scales today, and allegedly now weigh 77.9 kilos. I can live with that lie.
Church was unusually difficult today. It was one of those mornings when I wish God would become corporeal so I could punch him in the face. At the same time, I felt he was the only one in the room who caught the slightly sarcastic edge to the songs. So it was like being tortured, but feeling okay about it.
I just found out I won a GPS-type thingy in today’s Australian Sun Herald Travel section – for a teensy bit of non-fiction writing I did. That’s pretty cool – and worth $450. Gotta love that.
Tonight I’ll be eating a potato bake, which isn’t at all healthy, but is delicious.
Peel and slice about a kilo of potatoes, stick them in a greased lasagna tin with chopped bacon and mushroom in the middle layer, then mix a cup of cream with some basil or whatever herbs you like, and pour it over the top so it trickles through. Sprinkle cheese on top of that, then cook it for about an hour with aluminium foil over the top – and a further 10 minutes or so without the al foil (I’m hazy on times and temperatures – it’s basically “Very hot, for ages”. C’est les potatoes).
Fruit Fear
I have fruit fear.
Fruit is a dangerous food. It might look good and smell good, then be incredibly sour. One grape might be heavenly, and the next rotten. This fear haunts me daily, as I attempt to eat a correct dietary amount. When I can’t handle fruit at all, I drink juice (dried fruit also tends to help, or any fruit that’s prepared by someone else).
Recently I’ve developed a fear of chicken (yes, hilarious, I know). I attempted to deal with it today by buying a pre-cooked supermarket chicken to have on a sandwich with avocado. (Based on the idea that anything cooked by someone else is bound to be fine.)
Just thinking about my long-since eaten lunch now makes me feel sick. Our living room and kitchen are filled with the smell of roast chicken, and it’s FREAKING ME OUT. As soon as I finish this I’ll be fleeing to the bedroom until further notice.
My fruit fear is going well, so I guess I’ll freeze the remaining chicken and let it lurk in my freezer until a saner day. (And, of course, subtley add it to everything my husband eats: “Like a cuppa, sweatheart? It’s extra nutritous today. . .”)
I weighed myself this morning. It didn’t go well. Still optimistic about tomorrow, though.
Cloud Wars: Bad writing
For all lovers of good writing, here are this year’s winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, (aka “It Was a dark and Stormy Night” Contest), run by the English Department of San Jose State University, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel.
10. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.
9. Just beyond the Narrows , the river widens.
8. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.
7. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: “Andre creep… Andre creep…Andre creep..”
6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.
5. Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store.
4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.
3. Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.
2. Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn’t know the meaning of the word “fear”‘; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death — in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
AND THE WINNER IS…
1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along
the greensward and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog’s deception, screaming madly, “You lied!”
Hate. Kill. Destroy.
So. . . things are going pretty well 😛
The vegies are having a noticeable effect on my ability to get up in the morning – it’s much easier than usual while dieting, and I’ve barely blacked out at all.
It’s difficult to stay awake, and even more difficult to stay civil. I drop a pen – I want to bash my head against the wall. Someone in front of me drives 2 kilometres below the speed limit – I want to smash my passenger-side window (people who’ve known me long enough will know that I accidentally did smash that window once – I still have a scar on my wrist).
I’m trying not to think about the fact that, in reality, I’ll probably need to keep being good for at least the first week of March. But I have a few tricks up my sleeve – my rule is that, if the scales read “76.5” at any point, I’ve made it. And if, at the beginning of April, they read “76.5” or less, then I’ve maintained the weight (even if I go up and down during the month). I’m also trying not to think about the reality that if I want to stay in the healthy weight range, I simply can’t chocolate-binge on a regular basis. Hopefully I can get addicted to fresh fruit or something instead (if something is brightly coloured and expensive, chances are it’ll at least partially alleviate my cravings – a lot of my bingeing is a benevolent form of self-harm, so buying expensive stuff satisfies that part).
Today’s recipe is corn thins and avocado.
The ingredients are corn thins and avocado (and possibly cheese). Nuff said.
I swam a kilometre again today (pretty sure swimming works better than the exercise bike), so I’m confident I’ve done well today.
So. . . the big question. . . what did I weigh this morning?
78.6 kilos.
In theory, that means I’ve lost only .4 of a kilo (which is respectable in a normal person, but not in me – not in the first week, which is always the most impressive). In reality I lost up to three times that amount. It’s close enough to 78 that I can probably reach 78 by the one-week mark (so long as I continue weighing myself naked and standing on one leg. . . yes internet, that image is for you). Conclusion: I am inspired to continue being good.
Since I’m an idiot, I’ll probably weigh myself every day from now on. Because the body naturally fluctuates (which is why any weight-loss centre will beg you to limit yourself to one weigh-in a week), there’s sure to be one or two days of horrified anger coming soon.
Our finances are RIGHT on the edge at present – I think we’ll have $2 left on Sunday, although a couple of bits of money are soon coming our way – so I was devastated when my partner had an $18 work lunch on Wednesday. And it was yum cha, too. Still angry at the whole world. Yesterday and today I’ve had random unpleasant memories of various people pop into my head, with instant and angry reactions from yours truly. Fortunately none of them were close by at the time.
One of the parents of a girl I tutor took one look at me and asked what was wrong. (It’s always good to look horrible when one feels horrible.)
No headache today, even though I’m right at the point where they usually start. If I can relax a bit on the weekend, I might get through without chowing down on too many Panadol.
I’ve had dinner with friends (and no husband) twice this week, which made me feel fairly good while I was with them (ah, social convention. How strangely effective you are) and less guilty about crying and getting massages when I was at home.
Cloud Wars: Story so far
Wed 10 Feb
“Mum! I gotta go make rain now.”
“Why can’t you get a real job?”
“MUM!” I switched off the comm and shot my payload into a full-looking cloud.
*
Since I’d cunningly forgotten to shut my lid, the rain I made fell right in. When the sparks started I cursed myself and pressed ‘eject’.
*
I floated down as neatly as you please, but the Eastern plane had already landed. They wrapped my own chute around my neck and I was gone.
Th 11 Feb
I woke in an Eastern jail – all concrete chic with a side order of migraine. Eastern cloud seeders made bets on me outside the barred door.
*
The good thing about being a nineteen-year old girl is that people think I’m weak. On their odds, I wouldn’t wake up. So I didn’t move. Yet.
Fri 12 Feb
When a doctor came to take my pulse I grabbed both his arms and twisted. He yelped but he quickly learned not to move – a perfect shield.
*
“We’re BFFs now,” I told him, “because today we live or die together.”
“Do I get to choose?”
“You sure do. . . is that a sandwich?”
*
I escaped into a land as dry as my mouth, and searched the dying fields for water without success. If only I hadn’t done my job so well.
Sat 13 Feb
A woman woke me, and I followed her into her home. She gave me water to drink. Then I saw the picture of her dead son – a cloud seeder.
*
She saw me looking, and nodded. “I helped you for his sake. You’re a seeder too.”
“And possibly his killer. Have you poisoned me?”
*
She laughed sadly. “I no longer care for East or West. Only sons or daughters. When you’ve eaten, take his plane. It’s no use to me.”
Sun 14 Feb
Dan stood over me – he liked to belittle his employees. “You lost your plane and consorted with the enemy.”
“I escaped. Isn’t that my duty?”
*
I competed for my job using the dead boy’s ancient plane. Two sleek Western planes dived for me, and I wrenched at the wheel with all I had.
*
The wheel came off in my hand. I swore as the green, green ground of my home rose to meet me. My second crash in five days. Real impressive.
Mon 15 Feb
Dan put me in the visitor’s cabins to shame me. Was I fired or not? If only I had a plane! The other seeders flew off, laughing and revving.
*
I awoke, miserably, at 2:00pm. Someone was outside. I crept out and saw six Easterners unbolting our cloud cannons. Filthy thieves!
*
I ran to our emergency cannon, and grabbed the air siren. Then I blasted the enemy with noise and silver nitrate. They fled; skinny shadows.
Tue 16 Feb
“You wasted our silver shooting at phantoms,” said Dan.
I controlled myself with an effort: “Perhaps I should be transferred.”
“No.”
*
When my room was broken into I heard my attacker above the pattering rain. He lunged for me. I rolled off my bed onto the hard floor.
*
I pounced on his sword and wrenched it from his hand. He kicked at my knee, but I dodged – and bashed him unconscious with his own sword.
Wed 17 Feb
I watched the river water rise, knowing my late-night attacker was in the room next to me, and probably treated just as well. Bosses suck.
*
The other seeders flew back and forth, firing again and again so the clouds wept needlessly. For the first time, I became truly annoyed.
Th 18 Feb
At dawn I dressed and went outside, shocked to find the river was now lapping at my door. Fortunately we kept our planes on higher land.
*
I took the air siren, and blew the first blast at Dan’s open window. “Flood!” I shrieked, “Save the planes!”
“Who – huh – what?”
*
Since I’d saved our entire fleet, I was moved back into the group cabins. Dan said I was on probation. Everyone else said I was a hero.
Fri 19 Feb
Probation Schmobation, I decided, and marched into Dan’s office.
“Hello Ann,” said Mum, sipping her latte, “you’ve been causing trouble.”
*
“Back in the visitors’ quarters?” I asked.
Dan said, “Yep. And on rations.”
“Thanks Mum. Thanks a lot.”
Mum shrugged innocently.
Cloud Wars: Mad Science
Here’s another fun (and somewhat less normal) type of flying machine – the ornithopter. An ornithopter is a machine that flies by flapping its wings. And yes, there is at least one in the world that actually does fly.
Here’s a place offering model workshops:
Pain and Zucchini
Woke three hours early with an intense headache. Hate the world. Panadol worked, though, so I’m down to just fatigue and hunger. Tomorrow I’ll weigh myself, so I’ll be either cheerful or homicidal. (I have been enjoying the lift in my self respect now I’m not eating 1-2 family-size packs of junk a day.)
Zucchini Soup (I’ll move on to other vegies soon):
3 zucchini
2 onions
1 carrot
2 potatoes
15g margarine
3 c water
1 chicken stock cube, dissolved in some of the water.
Melt the margarine, and put all the vegies in a pot with it (chopped, obviously) for 50 minutes, stirring every so often.
Add water and stock, bring to the boil and simmer for 20 minutes.
Puree and stir in sour cream (if you want).
Serve hot or cold sprinkled with chives.
Zucchini and Fetta Pancakes
Zucchini. . . is there a weirder looking word?
These pancakes are inspired by Black Pepper Cafe’s Zucchini and Bocconcini Pancakes (served with natural yoghurt).
The standard pancake batter recipe is: one cup flour, one cup milk, one egg. (I use much more milk – my pancakes are almost see-through – and when I’m poor I use powdered milk and fry them in margarine. Usually I use butter.) I top my pancakes with sugar and lemon juice (a wonderful combination).
To this I added one grated zucchini (my aim was to have a green vegetable for breakfast) and fetta (to hide the taste of the aforementioned green vegetable).
It worked surprisingly well. I added a bit more flour to maintain a similar texture, and found I’d made a much creamier pancake. If it wasn’t for the hint of green colour in the batter, you wouldn’t know they were good for you. (The fact that I fried them in butter, then ate them with lemon juice and sugar, was also a cunning ploy.)
My pain/nausea levels are much as expected, but psychologically I’m holding up well. Today I’m going to buy nature’s lollies – brightly coloured, interestingly shaped, and full of sugar – fruit.
Cloud Wars: Picture time
Here’s what a cloud seeding plane looks like at work (from http://images.google.com.au/imgres?imgurl=http://www.china-briefing.com/news/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/cloud-seeding.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.china-briefing.com/news/2008/02/01/37000-reservists-30-aircraft-4000-rocket-launchers-and-7000-anti-aircraft-guns.html&usg=__ix6r6iAnTkztU-pPTjfD00wvZJM=&h=282&w=645&sz=41&hl=en&start=10&itbs=1&tbnid=UzW3bu48t8-8qM:&tbnh=60&tbnw=137&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dcloud%2Bseeding%26gbv%3D2%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG):
The above websites are a study in contrasts – the first is about China, the second is about how cloud seeding is against God, and the third is about cloud seeding at the Snowy in Australia.
