Day 6: Complete Story
For the Man who has Everything
Sat 23 Jan
My beautiful new wife gave me the “Genuine Castaway Experience For The Man Who Has Everything But Happiness.” It’s so peaceful here!
*
Why won’t the monkeys stop screaming? I’m reminded of the days when I was still allowed to see my grandkids. Bad memories, as I now recall.
*
Drank fermented coconut milk and passed out. When I awoke and threw up, I knew I didn’t miss my youth after all. Epiphany after epiphany!
Sun 24 Jan
The “Genuine Castaway Experience” has given me a deep new gratitude for my life – especially coffee and my iphone.
*
Very glad the “Genuine Castaway Experience For The Man Who Has Everything But Happiness” only lasts three days. Food poisoning continues.
*
One more night with the monkey screams and belly cramps. My new wife’s very savvy for a twenty year old. After this, work will be heaven.
Mon 25 Jan
Too thirsty to sleep. Where’s my chopper? Stupid wind sounds just like helicopter blades.
*
Soon it’ll get dark. Did I count the days wrong? Mouth is dry as sand. Too weak to throw rocks at monkeys. Beginning to get less grateful.
*
“GENUINE Castaway Experience” they said. But they didn’t mean. . . they wouldn’t. . . would they? Poor Anna must be terrified for me.
Tue 26 Jan
Made an iphone out of coconuts. Called Anna for long talk. Felt much better until I realised I’d hallucinated the whole thing.
*
Anna will sort this out. She’s a smart girl. The blonde’s artificial, anyway. She’ll give that company what for!
My stubble itches.
*
Drank more coconut milk. Threw it up at once. Still better than the yellow choking bile of this morning. Legs covered in bug bites.
Wed 27 Jan
Tried to build a raft. Arms don’t work. Need a lie down, and a nice massage. Monkeys getting braver, and gnashing their teeth right at me.
*
Seawater isn’t like coffee at all.
*
Anna?
Th 28 Jan
. . . . . . .
THE END
Day 5: Thirst
Since our hero hasn’t found water, and it hasn’t rained, he’s in a certain amount of danger.
When I lived in Indonesia, I discovered that when Indonesians say “fasting” they mean no food AND no water (although usually a “day” of fasting is only three-quarters of a day). My friend Wibi (an Indonesian man) and I fasted for “three” days (actually fifty-five hours) at the beginning of 2001. (Katerina is an Australian staying at the same place, a provate dwelling.) Here’s what I wrote about it at the time (my doctor freaked out when I told her about it, because apparently it can permanently damage the stomach. That made me glad I’d so thoroughly prepared):
31 December 2000:
Wibi and I are fasting the next three days (it’s not actually three days; we’ll eat again on the third). I’ve drunk so much water in preparation that my pee looks like water.
1 January 2001:
I am coveting Katerina’s water bottle (she’s sitting next to me as I write so it’s probably about time for another Indo-speak lesson).
(later)
Yep. And she’s left her water here too. She’s gratuitously taken aback by my fasting. I feel pretty good actually, psyching myself up for the ominous ‘Second Day’. I’ve had a few cramps but my mouth feels mostly normal and though I’m weak I haven’t been thinking about food every second. Still, while I’m here. . .
Was craving apple an hour or two ago. Fresh cold peeled green apple. Mmm. . . but then I thought raw apple was probably a bad thing (too crunchy and hard) to end a fast with so I thought maybe apple juice. Fresh and strong in flavour and cold.
Any kind of fruit juice actually. I tend to get frustrated when I get nice drinks because water (though it’s often lukewarm, soapy or burnt in flavour) is something I can consume with no problems and the money would be better spent on food.
But I eventually settled on peeled green fresh apple grated juicily into a bowl with a heaped teaspoon of sugar. Sweet, easy on the stomach and also basically healthy: no better food to end a fast with.
I am home in two weeks today. I don’t need to put apples on my ‘special food’ list because we usually have apples in the fridge and I have grated apple whenever I want. Did I ever know before today the deliciousness of my life? It is so cool that food is so yummy. And there are so many types of food that I can never possibly try them all. (Uh. . . not that I want to.) I’m sure with a little effort I can find enough different types of healthy, tasty food to keep me satisfied for the rest of my life – even in Indo-land.
Tomorrow I will wake up desperately hungry and knowing that I will go to bed literally a day or two off death. And, if I’ve understood correctly, will spend most of the day in pain.
Okay, now I feel bad.
My stomach hurts. It’s hotter here than I’m used to – I looked at my travel clock and it’s been up to thirty degrees. I’m wearing my coolest clothes but feel sweatier than normal. Will not be eating or drinking till about midday Wednesday. We were eating and drinking till three this morning so I don’t feel too bad yet.
My body is a little achy and very lethargic and a minute ago I felt feverish. Tomorrow should be loads of fun.
2 January 2001:
I wonder which is more important, water or sleep? I suppose water but I’d rather do this than fast sleep because going without sleep you can’t. . . well, sleep. Which is the good thing about fasting Indo-style: We’re allowed to sleep pretty much whenever it’s not a prayer time (this family has prayer in the mornings which I enjoyed this morning although I was relieved when it was over after an hour). The bad thing is that ‘allowed’ doesn’t mean ‘able’. I can lie down though.
Food and water are painfully easy to get. Everything I think about seems to be coincidentally food related – when I shower or wash my hands after going to the ladies’ room (see, I can use euphemisms too) I look mournfully at the beautiful cold clear water and it helps only a little to remind myself it’s crawling with whole colonies and civilizations of micro organisms awaiting their chance to kill me and/or make the loo my permanent residence.
I feel okay now. Lying down as I write. Last night was unpleasant. The main problem was my stomach hurting. Not too bad but consistent all night long (I’m so glad it’s only two nights). Also felt so hot that after about 4:00am (when I heard rain and went to bring in everyone’s towels and a few clothes from outside) I slept on the floor. I’d set my alarm for ten to five for the morning prayer time. I went to the loo (fascinating medical fact: pee still quite clear. Maybe I’m not all that dehydrated and that’s why I’m not clutching my stomach in agony right about now). I know I slept at least for a bit because I had a nightmare that someone set my cat on fire.
A lot of people have been telling me how awful I look. I’ve been feeling feverish and took my temperature twice (midday and midarvo) and it was 101 degrees Fahrenheit – not a clue what that means.
I don’t feel sore really, but I feel like my stomach should be concave. Which it profoundly isn’t (even after recently losing thirteen kilos due to being here in Indo-land) although it seems a different shape now to what it was a few days ago. Also sometimes (especially when it does that bubbly rumble) I feel like my body is nosing around in my stomach. . . searching. And I’m getting weird pins and needles a lot.
Coconut milk tomorrow!!
3 January 2001:
Fascinating information: my stomach is flatter that it’s ever been. Strange but true: a flatter stomach in three days or less. No exercise! No special food! In fact, no food at all. Or drink. . .
Happy thought for the morning: I am now officially near death.
——————————–
Later: I felt pretty sick for several days afterward, which is normal for any kind of fasting. Since I drank coconut milk in combination with water and juice and food, it didn’t make me sick.
Day 4: Sherlock Holmes Review
Fine. I admit it. There’s no possible connection between “Sherlock Holmes” and “For the Man Who has Everything”*.
Nonetheless, here’s a review of “Sherlock Holmes”.
Three words: Violent. Funny. Excellent.
Visually it has exactly the beautiful, detailed darkness of the steampunk age that I hoped for. If I hadn’t just seen “Avatar”, I’d spend more time on how pretty it was (which is to say, very).
Also, it has Robert Downey Jr. Enough said. The man has enough charm to fall asleep for three hours and still be watchable. He is definitely in form. That didn’t surprise me either.
The thing that I loved (but didn’t expect) was the chemistry between Downey Jr and Jude Law. (The women were great too, but the film is mainly about the two men.) Every second of their dialogue was a delight.
Watson: “Are you. . . ?”
Holmes: “Am I. . . wearing a false nose? No.” [Then he jumps out the window – with his false nose on, naturally.]
Which is the main reason this, rather than “Avatar”, is a film I intend to own. Because it’s well written, well acted, well plotted, and worth watching over and over again.
*Except for a variety of tenuous ones, such as that both have a man in them.
Day 3: Survival tips
Side note: In an amusing counterpoint (amusing to me, anyway), I just wrote a blog celebrating my one-year wedding anniversay over at https://felicitybloomfield.wordpress.com although if the lovely hubbie gives me a “Genuine Castaway Experience” he’ll be in biiiig trouble.
When it comes to water in the tropics, rain is your best bet. The best type of catcher is a large cloth, like a tarp or a sail (or, if you’re me, a voluminious skirt).
Some further advice on liquids (from http://www.survivaliq.com/ ):
| Fluid | Remarks | |
| Alcoholic beverages | Dehydrate the body and cloud judgment. | |
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| Urine | Contains harmful body wastes. Is about 2 percent salt. | |
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| Blood | Is salty and considered a food; therefore, requires additional body fluids to digest. May transmit desease. | |
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| Seawater | Is about 4 percent salt. It takes about 2 liters of body fluids to rid the body of waste from 1 liter of seawater. Therefore, by drinking seawater you deplete your body’s water supply, which can cause death. | |
Day 2: Indonesian words you know, but don’t know you know
We’ll pretend for the sake of this blog that our hero’s location is one of the thousands of Indonesian island (a small one, clearly, and one without people). So if he discovers anyone, these words may be useful. Sorta. (‘C’ is pronounced ‘ch’ and ‘r’ is slightly rolled, and voila! You speak Indonesian.)
Food:
apel – apple
stroberi – strawberry
tomat – tomato
es krim – ice cream
es – ice
kecap – any kind of sauce
mi goreng – fried noodles (mi is noodles, goreng is fried) – it’s an Indonesian product.
teh – tea
kopi – coffee
rambutan/rambut – hairy fruit/hair
durian/duri – thorny fruit/thorn
Getting around:
taksi – taxi (possibly my favourite example of Indonesian spelling)
bis/bus – bus
passpor – passport
Religion:
Islam – Islam/a Muslim
Kristen – Christianity/a Christian
Protestan – Protestantism/a Protestant
Katolik – Catholicism/a Catholic
Budha – Buddhism/a Buddhist
Hindu – Hinduism/a Hindu
Other useful words:
buku – book
marbel – marble (also a yummy lollie; the lovechild of mentos and skittles)
demokrasi – democracy
guru – teacher (at school)
oranghutan – oranghutan (orang – person, hutan – forest)
Timor Timur – East Timor (ie Timur is East)
Botol – bottle
See? You’re practically fluent.
Day 1: Coconuts
Hello and welcome to a new theme and a new tale – the shortest so far. (In February stories will begin to tend toward a one-month length.)
Today’s blog is all about coconuts.
Coconut milk is recommended if you have food poisoning, because it’s packed with sugary hydration (and it’s delicious – young coconut milk tastes like lemonade, and I love it!) One tiny problem: it’s a natural diuretic. So keep that in mind on YOUR “Genuine Castaway Experience”.
Coconut trees are REALLY hard to climb. If you need to do it, do it fast – before hunger sets in. Strip off the soft outer layer of the coconut (if you’re up to making a fire, the brushiness will be useful to you) and use the tree itself to break the coconut open – it’s probably the only thing hard enough to work (unless you were thoughtful enough to bring a hammer).
I don’t recommend drinking or eating fermented coconuts. But that’s just me.
Felicity Banks 