For the Bible tells me so: What the Bible actually says about homosexuality

July 18, 2010 at 3:02 pm (Daily Awesomeness, Entries that matter)

This is an article I’ve been planning to write for a while, but it was so personally upsetting that I didn’t. I encourage you to pass it on to anyone you like. I ran this article past my parents and friends, and they gave me permission to use them as examples here. It’s technically Daily Awesomeness #159: Get your grump on.

Warning: PG rated for mention of homosexuality, consent, and adultery – plus overt Christianity.

Each Bible verse referenced here (all from the New International Version) is included in order of mention below the gratuitously gorgeous library picture that comes at the end of the article (the photo was taken by Candida Hofer and published in the Thames&Hudson “Beautiful Libraries” book. It has nothing to do with anything I’ve talked about). I’m leaving aside the Old Testament in this article, because Jesus is the fulfilment (and the end) of many rules – something for which bacon-loving Christians are grateful (especially me).

For the Bible tells me so

My mother is an Anglican priest who likes to wear her dog collar with a hot-pink shirt. She’s also, according to the Bible, an adulteress. Oh, and the Bible also says that she shouldn’t be a priest (1 Timothy 2:12).

So what makes her an adulteress? In Matthew 5:32, Jesus said, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.” Oops, that only makes my father an adulterer. My mistake! Sorry Dad! But I’m afraid the last twenty-five years of marriage (and raising my brother and sister and I) were a sin against Heaven. You should stop at once.

Jesus says a similar thing in Matthew 19:9, and the exact same thing in Luke 16:18.

I’m really glad my Mum remarried. All my life Christian people have taken me aside to tell me how much they admire my parents’ relationship, and I agree. So what’s the deal, when the Bible says so clearly my Mum and Dad should not be married?

The deal is simple: love trumps all. Jesus himself conveniently gave us a summary of every single bitty rule in the whole darn Bible (it’s also mentioned in Luke 10:27 and Mark 12:29-31). Here’s Matthew 22:36-40.

36“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 37Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

It’s pretty obvious that the love between my Mum and Dad is something holy and good. It’s real love – the kind that lasts beyond the flush of attraction, and beyond hundreds of moments when one or both of them wanted to give up. There are thousands of similar stories of godly remarried men and women around the world. As a result, divorce is widely accepted in the church today – so much so that my parents are praised rather than shunned for their relationship.

So we agree, right? Two people loving each other is what Jesus wants.

And then there’s my friend Bobby. Bobby is someone who I admire for his goodness and his Christian faith. Bobby is not attracted to women – just men. And Bobby wants to marry someday. He wants to marry a godly man.

Of course the Bible has plenty to say about that too. The New Testament describes “homosexual offenders” as “wicked” (1 Corinthians 6:9-10), “unnatural. . . indecent” (Romans 1:26-27), and some scholars say that the “perverts” described in 1 Timothy 1:8-11 as “ungodly and sinful” are also homosexuals. These are the only three New Testament references, and they’re a little less clear than the references to divorce (as well as coming from Paul rather than Jesus) – but they’re clear enough.

Some argue that the homosexuality referred to in these passages is a more specific word relating to a relationship between very different ages, or talking about an unwilling partner (there’s an internet reference for that at the bottom of this page, but I don’t recommend it for children). Since I don’t speak Ancient Greek, I don’t know.

I am an ordinary heterosexual Christian who’s read the Bible a few times, and followed Jesus for twenty years. I love God, I love my parents, and I love my gay friends. I have seen “adulterous” couples like my parents shine with God’s love, and I’ve seen the same selfless love in gay couples.

I know it takes courage for a Christian to stand up for their beliefs against a corrupt world. But courage isn’t the right quality to express when it comes to homosexual human beings. Love is. Let God speak to the conscience of gay people in whatever way He thinks best – he’s capable of that, don’t you think? Since there’s theological doubt, shouldn’t we leave it up to Him? Non-Christians are right in saying homosexuality is none of our business. Our business is to love. Sometimes we think telling someone what they’re doing wrong is the loving thing to do, but it just doesn’t work that way (except in special circumstances, for example a parent disciplining a small child).

Jesus was infamous for hanging around tax collectors, women of ill repute, and sinners (Matthew 9:10-12, Matthew 11:19, Mark 2:15-17, Luke 5:30, Luke 7:34, Luke 15:1). The Bible doesn’t record him telling them their lifestyle is wrong, except when he says to a woman, “Go now and leave your life of sin” (after both saving her life and making it clear that everyone sins). He also told one man to stop sinning – after he’d healed him (John 5:5-15). But when he saw Zacchaeus (a tax collector, ie thief) what actually happened was this: When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him, “Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today.” ” (Luke 19:5, NIV)

All these “sinners” were people Jesus actually knew before he said anything about sin – except Zacchaeus, who is a more typical example of Jesus’ behaviour. So it would appear that Jesus’ reaction to a sinner is to invite himself over to their place for dinner – and then to stick around. Sometimes he mentioned sin, but usually he didn’t. Jesus is the only person who ever had the right to judge us – and he chose to have dinner instead.

He seemed to like the company of sinners, which offended a lot of people. You’ll notice there are WAY more references about Jesus eating with sinners than there are verses condemning sinners of any kind. Since that society was much like ours in many ways, you can be sure at least some of Jesus’ friends were gay. So if you’re the kind of person who asks, “What Would Jesus Do?” about gay people, the answer is apparently, “Crash on their couch indefinitely, and help yourself to whatever’s in the fridge.”

The only people Jesus immediately condemned were the religious authorities – the ones who took it upon themselves to tell everyone else how to please God (sound familiar?) The whole chapter of Matthew 23 is a massive rant against the so-called “righteous”. Here’s verse 13: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.”

I hope I never slam the open door of Heaven in anyone’s face. Jesus died for us so that door could stay open.

So, to sum up – the Bible tells us not to allow women in authority, not to allow remarriage, and not to allow homosexuality. But love trumps all.

Women priests can love their congregations – which pleases God. Divorced women can love a godlier man the second time around – which pleases God. And gay couples can embody the love of Christ – which pleases God.

Jesus died because none of us are capable of living by the rules. So throw your own rule book away before you hurt someone, and ask God to give you a more loving heart (and gay friends who can cook).

I recommend you start by

(a) Regardless of your stance on homosexuality, never tell anyone they’re a sinner – because everyone is.

(b) Never treat a minority group as less valid than everyone else. (Which means that it’s time to let gay people legally marry – they each have a conscience of their own to decide whether gay relationships are okay or not.)

(c) Ask yourself why homosexuality seems so wrong to you, but you’re more likely to be okay with de facto relationships and/or remarriage. (If you’re 100% against all three types of relationships, you’re at least consistent.) I’ve had to face the fact that for me, it was because homosexuality was weird to me – much like people with a different skin colour. Time to move on and realise there’s no real difference – and time our laws reflected that. (Astonishingly, Aboriginal people in Australia didn’t get the vote until the late 60s. Before then, it was considered right and proper to prevent them voting. Can you believe it? Sometimes, our deepest-held beliefs really are wrong.)

And if you’re gay and reading this, I’m sorry for everything I and other Christians have done to make your life harder. You should know that Jesus loves you.

Specifically you.

This verse is yours as much as it is mine:

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Article written by Louise Curtis at https://shootingthrough.net/2010/07/18/for-the-bible-tells-me-so-what-the-bible-actually-says-about-homosexuality/

You may use this article elsewhere, but do not cut or edit it without consulting me. Please include this note with the article.


1 Timothy 2:12
I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.

Matthew 19:9

“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Luke 16:18

“Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Luke 10:27
He answered: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all yoursoul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ ; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ”

Mark 12:29-31

29“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.30Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’There is no commandment greater than these.”

1 Corinthians 6:9-10

Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

Romans 1:26-27

26Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

1 Timothy 1:8-11

8We know that the law is good if one uses it properly. 9We also know that law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious; for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers, 10for adulterers and perverts, for slave traders and liars and perjurers—and for whatever else is contrary to the sound doctrine 11that conforms to the glorious gospel of the blessed God, which he entrusted to me.

[Hi! Are you reading all the Bible verses? Cool! My favourite is the story of the woman of ill repute nearly getting stoned to death.]

Matthew 9:10-12

10While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and “sinners” came and ate with him and his disciples.11When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and ‘sinners’?”

12On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Matthew 11:19

19The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, ‘Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and “sinners.” ‘ But wisdom is proved right by her actions.”

[I don’t really understand the “wisdom” bit of this verse. Kind of ironic, really.]

Mark 2:15-17

15While Jesus was having dinner at Levi’s house, many tax collectors and “sinners” were eating with him and his disciples, for there were many who followed him. 16When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the “sinners” and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: “Why does he eat with tax collectors and ‘sinners’?”

17On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Luke 5:30

But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law who belonged to their sect complained to his disciples, “Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and ‘sinners’?”

Luke 7:34

The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and you say, ‘Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and “sinners.” ‘

[They make him sound fun, don’t they? No wonder sinners hung out with him.]

Luke 15:1

Now the tax collectors and “sinners” were all gathering around to hear him.

John 8:1-11 [This is the one I mentioned before – my favourite one]

1But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. 2At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

9At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

11“No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

[Jesus is such a smart alec sometimes.]

John 5:5-15

5One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

7“Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

8Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” 9At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.
The day on which this took place was a Sabbath, 10and so the Jews said to the man who had been healed, “It is the Sabbath; the law forbids you to carry your mat.”

11But he replied, “The man who made me well said to me, ‘Pick up your mat and walk.’ ”

12So they asked him, “Who is this fellow who told you to pick it up and walk?”

13The man who was healed had no idea who it was, for Jesus had slipped away into the crowd that was there.

14Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.” 15The man went away and told the Jews that it was Jesus who had made him well.

Luke 19:5

5When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him, “Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today.”

[Dear gay people and/or sinners: Feel free to invite me over and give me food. I like food.]

Matthew 23

1Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples: 2“The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. 3So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. 4They tie up heavy loads and put them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them.

5“Everything they do is done for men to see: They make their phylacteries wide and the tassels on their garments long; 6they love the place of honor at banquets and the most important seats in the synagogues; 7they love to be greeted in the marketplaces and to have men call them ‘Rabbi.’

8“But you are not to be called ‘Rabbi,’ for you have only one Master and you are all brothers. 9And do not call anyone on earth ‘father,’ for you have one Father, and he is in heaven. 10Nor are you to be called ‘teacher,’ for you have one Teacher, the Christ. 11The greatest among you will be your servant. 12For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.

13“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.

15“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are. [Jesus is scary.]

16“Woe to you, blind guides! You say, ‘If anyone swears by the temple, it means nothing; but if anyone swears by the gold of the temple, he is bound by his oath.’ 17You blind fools! Which is greater: the gold, or the temple that makes the gold sacred? 18You also say, ‘If anyone swears by the altar, it means nothing; but if anyone swears by the gift on it, he is bound by his oath.’ 19You blind men! Which is greater: the gift, or the altar that makes the gift sacred?20Therefore, he who swears by the altar swears by it and by everything on it. 21And he who swears by the temple swears by it and by the one who dwells in it. 22And he who swears by heaven swears by God’s throne and by the one who sits on it.

23“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cummin. [Did you know cummin eases flatulence?] But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.24You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel. [Yuck.]

25“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence.26Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.

27“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean. 28In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.

29“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You build tombs for the prophets and decorate the graves of the righteous. 30And you say, ‘If we had lived in the days of our forefathers, we would not have taken part with them in shedding the blood of the prophets.’ 31So you testify against yourselves that you are the descendants of those who murdered the prophets. 32Fill up, then, the measure of the sin of your forefathers!

33“You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell? [So Jesus, what you’re saying is. . . you’re not a fan.] 34Therefore I am sending you prophets and wise men and teachers. Some of them you will kill and crucify; others you will flog in your synagogues and pursue from town to town. 35And so upon you will come all the righteous blood that has been shed on earth, from the blood of righteous Abel to the blood of Zechariah son of Berekiah, whom you murdered between the temple and the altar. 36I tell you the truth, all this will come upon this generation.

37“O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing. 38Look, your house is left to you desolate.39For I tell you, you will not see me again until you say, ‘Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.'”

[Which may or may not take a while.]

One example of the argument that “homosexuality” in the New Testament refers to sex that involved a difference of either age or consent (a well-known argument with many other sources that I didn’t bother finding): http://www.lionking.org/~kovu/bible/section09.htmlhttp://www.lionking.org/~kovu/bible/section09.html

[Did you read the whole thing? Time for a lie-down.]

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S#5: Poetry

July 17, 2010 at 10:04 am (Cthulhu pics, Daily Awesomeness)

I just made this poem my desktop. For obvious reasons. Either my grandma or my friend Tabby introduced me to this one.

I had a hippopotamus

I had a Hippopotamus, I kept him in a shed
And fed him upon vitamins and vegetable bread
I made him my companion on many cheery walks
And had his portrait done by a celebrity in chalk

His charming eccentricities were known on every side
The creatures’ popularity was wonderfully wide
He frolocked with the Rector in a dozen friendly tussles
Who could not but remark on his hippopotamuscles

If he should be affected by depression or the dumps
By hippopotameasles or the hippopotamumps
I never knew a particle of peace ’till it was plain
He was hippopotamasticating properly again

I had a Hippopotamus, I loved him as a friend
But beautiful relationships are bound to have an end
Time takes alas! our joys from us and rids us of our blisses
My hippopotamus turned out to be a hippopotamisses

My house keeper regarded him with jaundice in her eye
She did not want a colony of hippotami
She borrowed a machine gun from from her soldier nephew, Percy
And showed my hippopotamus no hippopotamercy

My house now lacks that glamour that the charming creature gave
The garage where I kept him is now as silent as the grave
No longer he displays among the motor tyres and spanners
His hippopomastery of hippopotamanners

No longer now he gambles in the orchards in the spring
No longer do I lead him through the village on a string
No longer in the morning does the neighbourhood rejoice
To his hippopotamusically-meditated voice

I had a hippopotamus but nothing upon earth
Is constant in its happines or lasting in its mirth
No joy that life can give me can be strong enough to smother
My sorrow for that might-have-been-a-hippopota-mother

Patrick Barrington

Both of today’s pics are from Flickr. And here’s the White House cthulhu eyeing off his next target.

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The good, the bad and the fatty

July 16, 2010 at 11:40 am (general life, Writing Ranting)

My sister and her husband are coming to Canberra in four days. That’s also the length of time I’ll continue eating super-healthily. (I look forward SO much to not exercising fifteen minutes before breakfast every day, although some of the other healthy habits are keepers.)

CJ was given a promotion this week – the job he’s wanted for about a year. And yes, it means more money. (I’ve just done my tax return – and I earned $17, 323 this financial year, which is pretty good for me. Don’t do mental illness, kids.)

I thought I’d hear about the Publisher A edit-me competition this week, but it turns out (as far as I can tell from reading their email five times) that although they’ve decided on the long list, they’re not telling anyone what it is. So I won’t know if I’m on the long list until late August. But oh well, at least they’ll tell everyone in the end.

I have liquorice all sorts in my lolly drawer (which I bought on the basis that (a) aniseed is good for the digestion – not sure if that has any link to liquorice at all, and (b) they contain preservative 202 and no others, which means I can test if I’m intolerant of that particular preservative). But this morning, somehow, I weighed 76.8, which means if I can lose .3 of a kilo today I’ve actually made my weight goal for this current session – and genuinely reached the healthy weight range. If I’m super super good today, then maybe tomorrow will be the day. Maybe.

Must. . . not. . . eat. . . lollies.

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#120: Wedding photos

July 16, 2010 at 11:08 am (Daily Awesomeness)

Ah, weddings. Romantic, right?

Well. . . yes. But they’re also insanely stressful, and end more friendships than divorce (you think I’m joking? I’m not).

Here’s a few photos of the “happiest day of my life” (there are similar ones of the four parents, CJ, and others):

On the up side, sometimes you get amusing photos of your friends that you can pull out unexpectedly to torment them. So that’s a plus.

But most of all, weddings are about family (and stress. Mostly stress – regardless of one’s previous mental state). My sister and I knew we’d probably get married to our respective boys about twelve months before either of us were engaged. We tried for twelve months to space things out, but ultimately we married 33 days apart – which at least showed how genuinely good my Mum and sister are. The only things I truly wanted were CJ (who I got to keep, yay!), some kind of ritual, and to marry in January (long story – we married on January 25).

Since my wedding was before my sister’s, the throwing of the bouquet was (for once) a happy occasion.

My advice to anyone planning to marry: No it isn’t the most important day of your life, nor is it all about you. Never forget that the wedding industry/culture is designed to prey on your emotions (and your mum’s) and trick you into spending more money (chair-wrapping is now, apparently, “traditional”. Think about that. And the diamond engagement ring is a convention invented by diamond sellers. Ugh! I’m proud to say mine is jade AND inherited). Here are your priorities:

1. Don’t screw up your marriage – be good to your fiance as they inevitably panic (regardless of gender). And try not to get into debt, because marriage is hard enough. Your fiance, not your dress/ring/flowers/food/photos, is what you actually want to end up with at the end of the day. The good news is that marriage is worth it!

2. Don’t screw up your relationships with your family or friends – even if they’re being crazy and you want to kill them with a cake fork. It’s a wedding thing, unfortunately, and applies regardless of how selfless and rational they were pre-engagement. Allow at least one illogical demand per person, and find out what the demands are asap (although they’re probably unconsciously held beliefs – they’re the least flexible – so you’ll need to say things like, “Say, outside weddings sure are nice.” before your mum will mention that she believes outside weddings are an offence to God. Because she will think that you already KNOW outside weddings are JUST WRONG). Have at least two back-up dates (mine was my third, and three wasn’t enough), and check them all with the list of people who you feel need to be there.

My advice to friends and family: Duck and cover – or become the bride’s unquestioning minion (I will never stop being grateful to all of mine). And be nice, especially when the bride really needs to be slapped in the face. She’s juggling social expectations, plus scores of family members (at least half of whom she barely knows, and at least 10% of whom will disapprove of everything she does – again, because it’s JUST WRONG). If she says she can’t do what you think should be perfectly simple – believe that it is the literal truth, because sometimes it is. And always remember, she will be herself again LATER.

Personally I’m still going over and over my wedding in my head, trying to find a way of doing it that would have pleased more people – and that’s just within the bridal party (none of whom are unreasonable people). And I still can’t find a way that wouldn’t have had a detrimental effect on my marriage. I did my best; I failed. It happens. Luckily I had a counsellor who realised from a few seconds on the phone with me that I was about to injure myself (for the record, I planned to burn the word “No” onto my skin). I’ve been lost in the third world several times (usually without any knowledge of the local language), I’ve been hungry and alone and trapped with random guys asking me to kiss them (usually when no-one knew what city I was in, and I had no friends within 1000 kilometres), and once or twice I’ve thought I was going to die or be killed – but nothing compares to the stress of weddings. Nothing.

So it took me a while to sort out the wedding photos – to go back into those memories and decide what pictorial story I wanted to record. But it’s done now. And it’s ever so pretty, and it helped me remember the good bits (like, for example, CJ). Best of all, today the many tasks of the wedding are truly finished. (Plus I found $20 in one of the cards. Score!)

Play along at home: Erm. . . do you have travel/wedding/high school/whatever photos in a drawer/computer that you’ve been meaning to deal with? Why not deal with them today?

And here’s your lovely library for this entry. This is taken by Candida Hofer, and published in the Thames&Hudson book on beautiful libraries.

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“When Good Libraries Go Bad” story so far

July 16, 2010 at 11:02 am (Twittertale story so far)

1

A tentacle circled my neck, squeezing the life out of me with agonizing skill. “Steve!” came Terry’s voice. “Steve! Wake up!”

*

I opened my eyes to Terry, leaning over me. He looked scruffy without his mind-mage robes on. “Your cthulhu nightmares suck.”

“Sorry.”

*

We got up for breakfast. As the mind-mage, Terry got cereal. Phil the muscle-mage got steak. As air-mage, I got zip. And MY robe is puce.

2

“Oi, Steve, stop being nervous,” said Terry.

I said, “Shut up or I’ll CO2 you.”

Phil cracked a smile, exercising at least twenty muscles.

*

We hiked across the desert toward the Forbidden Library. Terry cleared his throat when we were still twenty miles away: “I sense something.”

*

Phil tensed, ready to attack. Terry shook his head: “It’s dead – but still radiating.”

“So. . . ?” I prompted.

Terry said: “It’s a cthulhu.”

3

Five miles away, and I tasted dead cthulhu on the air. Phil was sure he could make the corpse slither away, though, so that was reassuring.

*

At last we reached the three storey iron- and bone-bound doors of the outer library. I sensed breathable air inside. “After you, Phil.”

*

Phil focused, and the great doors cracked open, spraying chunks of blood-stained iron bigger than my house. “And now we wait,” said Terry.

4

We barely slept. I had nightmares, but Terry had his own to distract him. At dawn, we heard the rustling of pages. We waited back to back.

*

A pack of graphic novels emerged and sniffed at my feet. They smelled what I wanted them to smell – a friend. And so they imprinted on me.

*

When I judged my literature army to be big enough, we walked inside. A single giant tentacle lay across the threshold. I removed the stench.

5

More books joined me every hour – everything from gardening to war. I was dizzy with the smell of leather bindings and dust.

*

Phil wanted to move the tentacle, but Terry insisted we climb it. Some mountaineering books made steps for us, and it only took a few hours.

*

“There’s a problem,” Terry whispered.

I said, “What?”

“The cthulhu – it’s either a mother or a daughter. And I can’t tell which is alive.”

6

We ducked into a cobweb-strewn chamber and were attacked by a squad of how-to books. They pounded my head and I wasn’t able to focus.

*

Phil pushed me aside and tore apart the books with his mind. Terry was taken over by empathic rage and he punched me in the gut. I folded.

*

Ten books rushed Phil at once and I reached out with my mind and made him smell of oil just in time. They calmed down, and Terry did too.

7

“It’s Nix,” Terry told us at last.

I said, “The monster mage! No wonder WE were sent. We need to find his spell book – and destroy it.”

*

Phil coughed: “How will we do it?”

“1. Look, and 2. Live,” said Terry.

I said, “You know what a cthulhu’s weakness is? They’re too big.”

*

“How is size a disadvantage?” Phil asked.

I said, “Because hopefully they won’t notice us.”

“Right,” he whispered.

8

Terry shook me awake. “They took Phil!” I stood at once, but all my books were asleep and there were no others to be seen. Terry whimpered.

*

“Is that your fear or his?” I said.

Terry said, “His. Which means he’s still alive.”

“Good.” I sent a shelf of James Bonds to find Phil.

*

I asked, “Do you think it was Nix or the live cthulhu that took Phil?”

“Nix. I can feel him laughing. And he knows I can hear him.”

9

The Bond books returned with an illustrated series on the Moulin Rouge. I altered the air so they fled in disgrace.

*

I said, “We need a library book.”

“Err. . .” said Terry.

I said, “A book ABOUT libraries. One about this library could tell us everything.”

*

“Good! Can you make the other books find it?”

“The thing is,” I said, “books find by smell. And that book smells exactly like this library.”

10

I said, “Okay. Library smell minus stone smell should work.” As I altered the air, my horde of books shivered. Then they moved as one.

*

Terry and I followed my books in a spiral toward the library’s heart. I was beginning to relax when Terry screamed. He was on fire!

*

I threw firefighting books at the sudden inferno and they smothered the flames. Terry brushed ash from his clothes: “BBQ  manuals. Huh.”

11

Keeping away from any unfamiliar books, we crept onward, following the library book’s trail. The air was heavy with rotting cthulhu.

*

Terry wept in his sleep, and I woke him, hoping to make it stop.

“It’s Phil,” he said, “and believe me, I’d rather channel Phil than C.S.”

*

“Who’s C.S.?” I asked.

Terry said, “The other cthulhu. The live one. It’s the baby, and it’s so hungry. It longs for fresh meat.”

12

Terry stopped dead. I did too. My books clamoured at the door before us. The one stained with human blood and torn pages. “Huh,” said Terry.

*

“I guess we’d better open it,” said Terry.

I said, “Yep.”

“Phil could have done it.”

“Yep.”

“What are we going to do?”

“Good question.”

13.

First I made the books hide. Then Terry. Then I lay down alongside the crack beneath the door, and I used my magic to smell like food.

*

A tentacle smashed through the iron door, sending bloody fragments flying. Then another tentacle, questing blindly along the floor. To me.

*

I rolled, frantically trying to smell of dust and stone. Terry reached down his hand and hauled me up, and we hid as C.S. squelched through.

14

C.S. finally floundered away and Terry and I climbed shakily through the smashed door into the library’s heart.

*

We gaped at soaring shelves and a stained glass roof. I saw the library book suspended over a pit, shimmering behind magical defenses.

15

We prepared all night, and Terry went first. He copied Nix’s mind in his, and the first barrier vanished. I smelled of Nix for the second.

*

Together we physically moved a third invisible boundary, and together stretched our hands out toward the prize. We touched it, and screamed.

*

We were hurtled through darkness, and the book was ripped from our burning hands. The burning filled my arms and chest, and I passed out.

16

I woke up in a cage. Terry lay beside me, still unconscious. Phil sat cross-legged. He said, “Let me guess. You’ve come to rescue me?”

*

Terry woke up. “Oh,” he said.

Phil said, “Yep. It’s a magic box. No magic in or out. And the bars are as strong as they look.”

*

“So. . .” I said, “how’ve you been?”

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Three-Ingredient Thursday: Breakfast Fry-Up

July 15, 2010 at 11:38 am (Cthulhu pics, Daily Awesomeness, Food)

Oh heck yeah.

Here in Australia we call this breakfast “a fry-up”. In Britain they have “The Full English Breakfast” but I have it on reliable authority (ie, my British-born mum-in-law) that a full English breakfast must include sausages. The alternative name for this dish is “Bacon and eggs with potato”. It really does say it all.

I like my eggs poached, so I poached the egg and fried the rest (the potato went in about twenty minutes before anything else). This is a BRILLIANT way to start the day – particularly if you’re not dieting. It’s great if you’re going lactose free and only gradually getting used to the concept of soy milk on cereal (that’s soy milk in the glass – baby steps).

Tomorrow: Wedding photos! At last! And an amusing photo of Ben 🙂 Hi Ben. It’s a photo you haven’t seen yet. Sleep well tonight!

And here’s your cthulhu for today (because there’s nothing cuter than a planet-eating monster*):

*Except possibly a chainsaw. Chainsaws are super cute.

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#163: Unusual Anniversary

July 14, 2010 at 4:10 pm (Cthulhu pics, Daily Awesomeness, MegaList of Awesomeness)

Happy 113th day of Daily Awesomeness! Here are links to every awesome thing I’ve done since I began. I also included a few of my favourite photos. I put a bullet next to the ones I thought were especially awesome.

Play along at home: Pick ONE awesome thing, do it, and tell us about it in the comments.

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/03/24/90-write-a-letter-to-my-future-self/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/03/26/s53-be-a-tourist-in-your-own-city/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/03/27/s98-embrace-another-culture/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/03/29/96-sew-something/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/03/29/108-guerilla-gardening/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/03/30/s64-lego-aka-secret-number-1/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/03/31/120-christian-passover-celebration/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/02/122-someone-elses-tradition-and-twitter/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/03/109-spend-a-whole-day-in-a-bookshop/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/04/109-a-whole-meal-of-one-colour/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/05/124-lord-of-the-rings-marathon/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/06/125-read-an-awesome-book/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/07/36-sing/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/08/126-see-a-live-choir/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/09/s13-take-a-bath-and-twitter/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/10/127-unusual-exercise/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/11/s631-guitar-trek/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/12/110-play-an-elaborate-prank-aka-secret-number-two/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/13/128-cheese-party/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/14/s632-the-national-carillon/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/15/129-fish-and-chips/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/16/s633-the-front-cafe-gallery-and-twitter/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/17/s634-the-imaginarium-of-doctor-parnassus/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/18/s635-duntroon-military-band/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/19/131-take-a-nap/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/21/yum-cha/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/21/56-spread-good-news/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/22/95-aka-secret-number-four/ give away money

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/23/7-look-after-your-car-and-twitter/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/25/s637-cello-and-piano-performance/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/27/144-go-somewhere-ive-never-been-pine-island/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/28/s69-de-clutter/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/29/138-poetry-reading/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/04/30/89-take-st-johns-wort-and-complete-twittertale/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/02/82-buy-boots/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/04/145-de-motivational-posters/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/05/142-reverse-burglary/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/06/132-try-try-again/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/07/123-edit-a-steampunk-novel/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/08/118-collage-of-awesomeness/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/10/148-nerf-duel/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/11/3-go-mad-in-a-lolly-shop/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/13/108-take-someone-on-a-date/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/13/51-guilt-free-candy-binge/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/14/149-alien-creatures-aka-go-fish/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/15/144-three-days-without-junk-food/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/16/s41-wear-a-mask/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/17/s74-the-old-fashioned-way/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/18/s75-build-a-fort/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/19/151-watch-iron-man-2/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/20/guest-post-by-emmy-lennevald/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/21/152-get-in-healthy-weight-range/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/22/150-wear-a-tiara/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/23/s70-light-a-fire/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/24/10-anticipation/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/25/6-steal-a-plant/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/26/dance-in-a-supermarket/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/27/s59-otherwise-known-as/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/28/153-what-my-kids-will-look-like/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/29/147-dream-diary/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/05/31/s56-feed-ducks/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/01/154-savings-and-the-unisus-kitten/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/02/s48-music/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/03/5-go-thrift-shopping/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/04/160-fill-your-house-with-balloons/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/05/161-move-furniture-at-2am/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/07/121-eat-cjs-trifle/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/08/s68-gratitude/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/09/99-rediscover-winter-clothing/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/10/three-ingedient-thursday-1/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/11/48-breakfast-in-bed/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/12/46-writing-binge/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/12/155-three-ingredient-thursday-2/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/13/156-celebrate-a-milestone-with-yum-cha/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/14/s72-play-board-games/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/15/157-diy-green-your-home/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/16/s68-silly-slippers/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/18/154-play-the-chocolate-game/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/19/158-day-of-rest/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/21/159-go-to-a-wedding/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/23/new-years-resolution-in-another-month/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/25/115-visit-godparents/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/26/s83-community-classes/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/27/s90-love-letter/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/28/94-eat-novelty-food/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/06/30/s18-hot-stuff/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/07/01/meringues-and-cthulhu/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/07/02/47-fall-asleep-spooning/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/07/03/s6-dress-up/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/07/03/s6-dress-up-part-two/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/07/05/s29-write-to-your-idols/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/07/06/s27-love-your-fear/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/07/07/s71-fruit-and-veg/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/07/08/three-ingredient-thursday-baked-apple/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/07/09/119-cook-with-home-grown-herbs/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/07/10/122-hummus-hat-trick/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/07/11/141-broadway-day/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/07/12/170-win-a-blog-award/

https://shootingthrough.net/2010/07/13/34-wear-jeans/

And here’s today’s cthulhu pic. I love this one.

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#34: Wear jeans

July 13, 2010 at 5:18 pm (Daily Awesomeness)

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that most of you wear pants. I don’t. No pants for me. Well, almost no pants.

I look better and feel better in skirts, and most of my jeans don’t fit since I gained 18 kilos (what a surprise for jean manufacturers everywhere). But I’ve lost enough now that I can fit into my largest pair.

I didn’t even remember I was wearing that beanie. So much for dignity. This is why I’m not a fashion blogger. Also I’m semi-scowling because CJ said I looked hot, which I found frankly suspicious (while also charming).

And that’s what I look like in jeans. It’s possible you’ll never see the shape of my legs again, so enjoy.

Vegetables I ate/will eat today: Carrot, hummus, potato, brocolli and mushrooms

Fruit I ate/will eat today: Cherries (as I write), and semidried figs

I’m on day three of no lactose, to see if I’m intolerant. Not feeling any better, which bodes well for my cheese habit. Mmm. . . cheese.

Throughout July I’ll be posting a picture of either a library or a cthulu (or perhaps, someday, both) as companion to the twittertale ”When Good Libraries Go Bad.” Thames&Hudson published a book of library photos taken by Candida Höfer. You can see the details at http://www.thamesandhudson.com/9780500543146.html. This photo is a reproduction from that collection (pass your mouse over the picture to see which library it is).

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Rejection Letter

July 13, 2010 at 12:27 pm (Writing Ranting)

Today is Tuesday. That means there’s a 50% chance Publisher B is having an acquisitions meeting today, hopefully including two books of mine. Cue angst.

Last Friday I received a rejection for my empath NaNo novel from Publisher H. Somewhat surprisingly, they gave me comments (just for the first thousand words, since they didn’t request more). My comments are in square brackets.

I’m sorry for the delay in my reply. Thank you for your submission Blind Sided. Unfortunately it is not suitable for our publishing list.

[This is the standard reply. Anything other than that is a huge deal.]

I felt thrown into the world you have created without sufficient explanation of the concept of being an empath. For example, the way empaths ‘see’ and are yet blind; their ability to sense feelings even from inanimate objects such as carpets and balconies; and the way some people can ‘cover’ their thoughts or feelings.

[I thought I’d fixed that issue, but CLEARLY I hadn’t. This is a first-draft type problem, so it’ll probably be six months before I send this book out again. Oh well. On the up side, I just had some ideas that are a MUCH better way of fixing it than my previous attempt.]

The extract from your first chapter had a nice tension to it [thanks. I thought so], but having little understanding of how this world worked, I found it hard to connect with the characters and their situation.

The idea of empaths is an interesting one, but ultimately I feel it needs further development and explanation so as not to confuse or overwhelm the reader.

[Fair enough.]

I wish you well if you look to place your manuscript elsewhere.

[And back to the standard template to end.]

So, the next thing I’ll do is a massive edit, bordering on a rewrite. I need to send “The Princess and the Pirate” to Publisher D before they forget me, so fixing that comes first.

And that’s what a writer’s life looks like. Except when it looks like this:

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#170: Win a blog award

July 12, 2010 at 5:43 pm (Daily Awesomeness, With a list)

Yesterday I wandered past http://emmylennevald.blogspot.com/ and was delighted to see my own blog on the receiving end of the Versatile Blogger Awards. This award is one bloggers give each other, which makes it a special kind of award (the kind that doesn’t pay, but that’s neither here nor there).

Rule 1: Thank the person who gave you this award.

Thank you Emmy. Next time I’m hoovering in a bear costume, I’ll think of you.

Rule 2Share 7 things about yourself.

1. My biological father is (most likely) in jail (again – he uses his computer skills to steal money, and has done so over and over again since before I existed). When I say “my Dad” you can assume I’m talking about the guy who married my mother and raised me since I was two. I don’t remember the first one, since he left when I was six months old. (Last I heard, my grandmother had spotted his name in a newspaper article saying he’d been arrested again.)

2. My phobias include noses (I don’t even like to type or say that word), weddings, sick animals, and people noticing me. This is why I wear a cloak of invisibility at all times.

3. I like the oxford comma (it’s the optional one just before the “and” in # 2).

4. I once wrote a 50,000 word book in three days. (My little fingers were really sore.)

5. I quite frequently have dreams that I’m attracted to women as well as men (*cough* hi mum. how’s things? breathing okay? good)

6. I am 175cm tall (about five foot nine). This is handy for tripping over things, looking out of place almost anywhere, and upping the national number-of-citizens-who-bashed-their-head-on-something daily average. I have converted this weakness into a strength by mocking short people at every opportunity. (And a shout-out to my oompa looma friends, Ben and Fay*! Here’s to you, kids!)

7. I am currently reading the Caiphas Cain books by Sandy Mitchell. They’re sort of really bad (set in a computer-game world, ugh), but sort of really good (excellent voice). I read several books each week, usually YA speculative fiction.

Rule 3Pass the award along to 7 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic.

Leaving out those Emmy mentioned, here’s mine (they’re G-rated, as far as I know, unless I say differently):

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ very funny

http://steffmetal.com M-rated (some artsy nudity or adult themes, etc) – I am so not into metal, but Steff writes so well I follow her daily – she’s also the source of many of my awesome activities (as indicated by an “s” in the title).

http://donmilleris.com/ PG for overt Christianity. This is a guy with many issues, who mocks himself while mentioning legitimate ways to make the world better. I’m often startled (pleasantly) by his insights. He’s a NY Times bestselling author.

http://ripping-ozzie-reads.com/ – A blog shared by many excellent Aussie writers, with news and advice for writers. What a writing group!

http://www.galadarling.com/ M-rated (some artsy nudity or adult themes) Gala has the opposite personality to me, in every possible good way.

http://cba-ramblings.blogspot.com/ – A Christian literary agent who is extraordinarily kind and informative to her many wannabe-writer followers.

http://www.sarahwilson.com.au/ – you may have seen her in the Sunday paper. Nothing too heavy, but comfy and pleasant.

Rule 4Contact the bloggers you’ve picked and let them know about the award.

I shall.

Coming soon:

Amusing wedding photos

Wear jeans

Unusual anniversary (it’ll be links to every single awesome thing so far, plus my favourite pictures)

Three-Ingredient Thursday: Breakfast (I think; suggestions welcome)

And, naturally, much more!

Here’s today’s library pic. Wear a napkin, bibliophiles. And keep an eye out for C.S. You never know when he’ll attack. . .

Once again, this is a reproduction of Candida Hofer’s Thames&Hudson book of beautiful libraries (pass your mouse over the picture to see which library it is):

Because it’s practically colonial to have just one world globe.

*Please don’t kill me with a baguette

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