S#3: Send cards
Steffmetal.com recommended sending cards to all your friends telling them how much you love them – or, failing that, how much they smell.
After carefully choosing six friends, I sent the following on extremely cute kitten cards (you’ll notice a steampunk theme, excluding the last one):
Your mental clockwork wouldn’t work even if Isambard Kingdom Brunel himself came to fix it.
The perishable matter within your skull lacks proper refrigeration.
The synapses of your brain represent London’s sewerage system in 1858.
Your upstairs candles have long since drizzled away into puddles of rapidly congealing wax.
My difference machine has calculated that your intelligence quotient is an imaginary number.
Your mental icecream has a few too many pistachios.
Isn’t it nice to get something in the mail?
I bet there are plenty of you with far more original insults (steampunk, piratical, or otherwise). Please share them in the comments.
Felicity Banks 
Ann said,
November 3, 2010 at 12:21 pm
I have ammended my post to remedy the lack of attention paid to the guest of honour…….. Thank you for pointing that out 🙂
twittertales said,
November 3, 2010 at 2:12 pm
Ann: I only pointed that out to show how unjustified & unnecessary the sugar shower was. Here’s the blog (not G-rated) we’re talking about: http://sorryihaveaheadache.blogspot.com/
Ann said,
November 3, 2010 at 2:22 pm
I know – but to do the little man justice – he’s a lovely kid and deserves better from his aunt 😀
twittertales said,
November 3, 2010 at 11:02 pm
Ann: I’m sure he’s deeply upset that you didn’t talk about HIS bad behaviour as much as the others. (Still, point taken. He is a lovely little man.)
Ann said,
November 3, 2010 at 12:22 pm
Oh – and my brains are now nicely refridgerated 😛
twittertales said,
November 3, 2010 at 2:12 pm
Ann: Mmm. . . ice cream. Wait – what? Oh. Never mind.