My Foolish Addiction
(We totally sorted the garden, by the way. It was epic – over twenty bags of mulch.)
I have an addiction – and for once I’m not even talking about chocolate. I love stress. I love pushing my capabilities right to the edge and staying there. I can’t stop thinking of original ways to make life better – for my family, for my workplace, for other people – and it’s nearly impossible to resist an idea, no matter how much extra work it is for me.
I tell myself I want to work full-time for a few months – mostly just to see if I can – but I’ll be studying full-time at the same time. And of course looking after Louisette, with all the busy-ness, organisational complexity, and lack of sleep that entails. Am I on the road to giving myself a nervous breakdown?
I have plenty of options for where to take my life. Most of my income is extra for us (although we’ll need a lot saved if the next pregnancy is as bad as the first). But am I even capable of rest?
Today I worked a full day at the daycare centre, and I was genuinely enjoying myself for about 90% of the day, with a couple of stressful moments (the after-lunch rush is always a challenge), but I was pretty pissy about not getting an afternoon break. Which is sort of fair, because it’s hard work and – for someone with a spinal injury – increasingly painful over the course of the day. But I probably shouldn’t have been as pissy as I was – after all, who made me even go to work today (knowing I’d end up in pain)? But I can’t seem to help myself….
So, something to think about for me. And a lot of women (and a smaller number of men, I think). The biggest problem, of course, is if one teeny tiny thing goes wrong – I can’t take it. Because I’m already using 100% of my coping/organising/working/being nice-ability.
In Louisette news, we were playing inside when she went into the house and then tried to lock me out. Adorable and evil. Is she the perfect child or what?
Felicity Banks 
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