How not to begin your book
Here and here are two articles on book openings that are way, WAY overdone. Ooh! And here‘s another.
I’m guilty of a prologue or two, and the very first book of my children’s trilogy opens with the character waking up. But none of my characters ever, ever look in a mirror and describe what they see. Ugh!
And here’s a pretty (perturbed) kitty for this week:
Suspicious Baby
I’m not a baby person, but I do enjoy a “Yes, and?” look from a tiny person.
This little girl belongs to a friend of mine, who already knows she and Mini-Me are destined to be best friends.
“My Family and other Animals” by Gerald Durrell
As fiction, this book would be hilarious but too riotously fun and absurd to be believable. Since it is the autobiographical account of the Durrell family’s five years in the mad Greek island of Corfu, it is just a brilliantly funny book.
Gerald was around ten years old at the time, and obsessed with all creatures – snakes, scorpions, magpies, dogs, beetles, geckos, trap-door spiders – everything. It was an obsession that remained – you may have heard of his wildlife preserves and/or documentaries.
The peculiar characters of the island (and, more importantly, of the Durrell family) are brilliantly realised in all their glory.
Rating: G
It’s very difficult to describe the book, so I’ll just give you a glimpse and let you see for yourselves. This takes place on a dull afternoon when the entire family was ill except Larry (a WRITER), who was feeling morose. . .
At length, glancing moodily round the room, he decided to attack Mother, as being the obvious cause of the trouble.
“Why do we stand this bloody climate?” he asked suddenly, making a gesture to the rain-distorted window. “Look at it! And come to that, look at us. . . Margo swollen up like a plate of scarlet porridge. . . Leslie wandering around with fourteen fathoms of cotton wool in each ear. . . Gerry sounds as though he’s had a cleft palate from birth. . . And look at you: you’re looking more decrepit and hag-ridden every day.”
Mother peered over the top of a large volume entitled Easy Recipes From Rajputana.
“Indeed I’m not,” she said indignantly.
“You ARE,” Larry insisted; “you’re beginning to look like an Irish washerwoman. . . and your family looks like a series of illustrations from a medical encyclopedia.”
Mother could think of no really crushing reply to this, so she contented herself with a glare before retreating once more behind her book.
“What we need is sunshine,” Larry continued; “don’t you agree, Les? . . . Les? . . . LES!”
Leslie unravelled a large quantity of cotton-wool from one ear.
“What d’you say?” he asked.
“There you are!” said Larry, turning triumphantly to Mother, “it’s become a major operation to hold a conversation with him. I ask you, what a position to be in! One brother can’t hear what you say, and the other one can’t be understood. Really, it’s time something was done. I can’t be expected to produce deathless prose in an atmosphere of gloom and eucalyptus.”
“Yes, dear,” said Mother vaguely.
“What we all need,” said Larry, getting into his stride again, “is SUNSHINE. . . a country where we can GROW.”
“Yes, dear, that would be nice,” agreed Mother, not really listening.
Mini Big Nose
Still very sick. The last time I had a non-nauseous moment was Sunday, and my ability to eat food isn’t improving at all. I did a little research on ondansetron (Ondaz Zydis) and discovered there are no known issues with taking it during pregnancy (the crucial word being “known” – it has been tested on animals, but of course you can’t test these things on humans). I’ll probably start taking it again tonight.
Here are my predictions about Mini-Me’s future:
Big nose (both sides of the family, several generations)
Intelligent (both sides of the family, several generations)
Uncoordinated (both sides of the family)
Introvert (both sides of the family, and all the grandparents)
Vulnerable to cancer (CJ’s side) and mental illness/dementia (my side).
Will be born with either dark hair (my side) or white-blonde hair (CJ’s side), and will probably have blue or green eyes.
YA steampunk: The Sky Village
“The Sky Village” by Monk & Nigel Ashland
It hurts my brain trying to figure out if I love or hate this book. The front cover and the title location – a village of hot air balloons strung together – appear steampunk, but it’s not steampunk. It’s post-apocalyptic YA.
The rest of this review is at Comfy Chair, where I get paid for it.
Aaaand. . . how about you?
So what did you guys do with youselves on the weekend?
The female mad scientist
Here‘s an article outlining the history – fictional and otherwise – of the female mad scientist.
And here’s the cat picture I forgot to post yesterday (she’s lurking because she’s hunting mice):
Yell for Cadel
I’m breaking with my usual tradition of linking you to writing tips each Saturday, but it’ll be back next week.
Here‘s a cracked article on the Tour de France. Most of it doesn’t apply to Australia, because our commentators are refreshingly respectful and classy, and tend to actually talk about what’s happening in the race. #1, however, is utterly and frighteningly true. This article is PG/M (the site is often MA or more), and has a picture of a man in a mankini. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Stage 18 (I’m yet to watch 19) was seriously epic. I’ve spoken before about attacks, when one man races ahead of the pack. Most of the time they fail, especially if the attacker is a big name – no-one will let them get away. But they’re also the only way for the big names to break away and get ahead, so they happen a lot towards the end of each stage of the race. They’re utterly exhausting for everyone, especially the attacker, who has to pull sudden strength out of nowhere – and abandon the aerodynamic cooperation of the pack if he actually succeeds.
In Stage 18, Andy Schleck (who came second last year – by 23 seconds) launched an attack. . . fifty kilometres before the end of the race. It was an insane move, and surprised everyone so much that he got away. He rode with inhuman speed past THREE other smaller (non-threatening but startled) groups, pausing only to work with two team-mates who had been sent out ahead in deliberate preparation. His largely solo journey lasted over an hour – 9% of it uphill. In the Alps.
At one point, he was FOUR MINUTES ahead of the pack, and the virtual leader (after beginning the day in fourth place) of the entire Tour. He then went and won the stage, proving that the most outrageous gambles sometimes pay off.
Meanwhile, the pack slowly realised they were screwed – Andy really was going to win the entire stage on his own, and possibly the Tour de France as well. Unfortunately, despite attempts to share the load, they were simply too exhausted to catch up (ie when twenty men attempted to work together to match the speed of Andy Schleck – they failed). Finally Cadel Evans accepted that he was the only one with any strength left, and for the last 11 kilometres he bore the entire weight of the group, and slowly chipped seconds away from Andy. He singlehandedly cut Andy’s advantage in half, keeping himself as a contender for first place.
When Cadel pulled out all the stops and rode his desperate mano a mano race, more and more champions dropped off the back – including Alberto Contador (last year’s winner). One of the tiny handful that remained was Thomas Voeckler, who was meant to barely survive the intense mountain stages.
Instead, on the second last mountain stage of the Tour, he managed to keep up with Cadel – and thus keep the yellow jersey for one last excruciating day. By fifteen seconds.
And thus Stage 18 had three winners.
Australian steampunk novel
“Ichabod Hart and the Lighthouse Mystery” by James Roy
This book was written as children’s Australian steampunk, and it ticks a lot of boxes.
The rest of this review has been moved to Comfy Chair, where I get paid for it.
Tales of the Tour de France
I wrote earlier about the Tour de France – the greatest cycling race in the world. Here are some of the biggest names, and the stories I’ve heard about them.
Cadel Evans is far and away the biggest Australian star of the Tour (he leads the red-clad BMC team, which is an American team – there is no Australian team in the tour). As a General Classification rider, he is good at everything, and is considered one of the most likely contendors for first place overall. He is particularly good at climbing mountains – and has the short stature and frightening skinniness to go with it. As a rule, professional cyclists are pretty darn ugly. Cadel is no exception. His face could best be described as “distinctive”. The cleft in his chin is so deep I assume he keeps spare change in there. His greatest weakness is psychological – if things go bad, he doesn’t seem to bounce back. Right now, however, he is perfectly placed to win and he knows it. (In the GC list he’s currently placed third, but the current leader is not going to last through the Alps, and the current second-place man will fall back in stage 20. If he was already leading overall, etiquette would demand that his team sacrificed themselves with the heavier tasks within the pelaton, which would probably tire them out and cause them to fail later on). In all the carnage of crashes that have characterised this tour, Cadel and BMC are yet to be touched by bad luck (partly because of their strategy of riding at the front of the pelaton pack). He feels the weight of all Australia watching him (there are always many Australian flags along the route of the Tour as well), and is always fast to tearfully acknowledge the hard work of his team when he wins. His goal is to win overall, so any time spent in (usually) the king of the mountain jersey- a jersey that is rewarded along the way with a succession of soft toys. Cadel made the comment that he didn’t need the king of the mountains jersey, because he’d already had enough toys to give to all his nieces and nephews.
Frank and Andy Schleck of Luxemburg are two brothers, either of whom could win overall. As an only child, Cadel has said that he’s mystified by their connection. As someone with two siblings, I’m impressed by their mutual humility – they honestly don’t decide who is the team leader until the Tour is nearly over. At that point, whichever brother isn’t doing quite as well will bow out and sacrifice his strength for the other. Frank is the older brother, but Andy is usually slightly better at the Tour type of contest – in fact, he came second last year. Either one could lead a team in his own right, but because they work together they effectively play two against one. The GC leaders always keep an extremely close eye on one another (there’s usually less than a minute between first and second place), and ride close together. An “attack” happens when one man suddenly accelerates to get ahead of everyone else. The rest immediately respond by chasing them – not letting them get ahead. But with both Frank and Andy on board, team Leopard-Trek (black and white jerseys with a horizontal turquoise stripe across the chest) can launch so many attacks that all the others are exhausted and finally defeated. Andy is only 26, and is one of about three cyclists who still have a baby face. Frank looks similar, but definitely older.
Alberto Contador is everyone’s arch-enemy on the Tour, but especially for Andy Schleck. Last year, the two were literally neck and neck, fighting with all their being for a few seconds’ advantage – and Andy’s chain fell off. Mechanical incidents are always a part of the Tour, and there is an etiquette in place to counteract some of the bad luck (the entire pelaton will slow down if there is a delay behins them in the first three-quarters of the race.
Contador sped ahead – arguably costing Andy the overall win. Last year, Contador won by twenty-three seconds. Andy was furious; Contador said he hadn’t noticed the chain falling off; most riders acknowledge that since it’s a race, Contador did the right thing; the general public now jeers and boos when he passes by.
Alberto Contador’s 2010 win is also overshadowed by a positive drug test that is yet to be resolved. (The drug that was detected makes no sense, but it clearly shouldn’t have been in his system, so something is screwy.) He is Spanish, and leads team Saxobank (who wear a very pale blue jersey that looks white to me). I’m honestly not that impressed by his team. I think Contador is so good he often rides as if he doesn’t need a team at all – so this year, when he does need support, they’re just not as good as BMC or Leopard Trek. It’s been an apalling Tour for him. He lost over a minute and a half on the first day due to being behind a domino-style crash that blocked the road. He’s had several minor falls. At one stage, he spent time catching up to the main field all by himself – unthinkable in an ordinary team, when several men will stop even when their leader is too badly injured to lead them any more. The team ALWAYS looks after their leader, and rides with him – especially when he needs to catch up to the group. Contador has injured his knee, but commentators wonder if he’s shamming in order to put others off their guard.
Leaving aside the major GC contendors, there is one more man very much worth watching: Mark Cavendish. He is widely acknowledged as the world’s fastest man, and is riding a slightly different race to the rest of the pack: he aims to win as many Tour de France stages as possible, and set a new record. With 19 wins (!!) and youth on his side, he will do it. It irritates him that he’s never won the green jersey – but it looks like he’ll probably win that this year, too. His team is HTC – another white jersey.
As a person, I find him whiny and irritating – almost always complaining about the unfair behaviour of other teams when he wins a stage. He is extremely unpopular (and extremely talented), so I think there’s actually truth in what he says – the etiquette that guards everyone else frays where he is concerned. He loves his own team, however, and always seeks out every single member to thank them personally when he wins. They are, in my opinion, the best team in the Tour. Their precision is something to see.
Since I wrote the above, Stage 16 happened. It was AWESOME. Contador launched two mighty attacks, and managed for the first time to shake off the Schleck brothers. . . but not Cadel (or Sammy Sanchez for that matter). Then Cadel attacked again, and gained a few MORE seconds on Contador.
Cadel is now in second place overall after Thomas Voeckler, a French man who says himself he has a 0% chance of keeping his position through the Alps. . . but he’s lasted astonishingly well so far, and has two minutes’ advantage.
I predict Cadel will win, and Frank and Andy Schleck may well score second and third place.
If you want to savour the goodness (and you’re Australian), you should watch the last twenty kilometres of stage 19 (this Friday), the individual time trial on Saturday (when the overall race is won or lost), and the final semi-ceremonial stage on Sunday (when the sprint is won or lost).
