HEART OF BRASS cover reveal

July 21, 2016 at 1:12 pm (Advanced/Publication, All Steampunk Fiction, Daily Awesomeness, I get paid for this, My Novels, Steampunk, Steampunk Australia Stories, Steampunk Series, Well written)

Here it is…

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On the publisher’s website it has an official release date less than a week away!

If you’re in Canberra and you want your copy signed, email me at fellissimo@hotmail.com and I’ll see what I can do.

I’ll also be at certain conferences this year, including:

Brimbank Writers and Readers Festival

1-11 September (I’ll be there on Saturday 10th only), Melbourne

Including a 2-hour panel on Interactive Fiction, and a get-together for IF lovers at the cafe around the corner (at 11am). Plus a possible spontaneous game.

 

Conflux 12

September 30-October 3, Canberra

Including a workshop on how to write profitable IF, plus a panel or two.

Conflux always includes one-on-one pitching opportunities, which happens to be how “Heart of Brass” found its home at Odyssey Books Australia.

 

Book Expo

8-9 October, Sydney

Including a panel or two, probably (to be advised).

 

Goulburn Waterworks Steampunk and Victoriana Fair

Saturday 15 October, Goulburn

Including hanging out with several other authors (including Tara Moss), free horse and carriage rides, dancing, makers, and other marvels of the steampunk world!

 

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Dinosaurs Roam Canberra Rainforest

July 18, 2016 at 10:05 am (Daily Awesomeness)

It takes a LOT to get me walking anywhere, let alone halfway up Black Mountain, which last week looked like this:

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(BYO Child.)

But when I heard there were dinosaurs (on loan from the Dinosaur Museum) lurking in the National Botanic Garden rainforest (and tundra, and desert, etc) I just had to go.

One of the up sides to having children is that they make you bother getting up and doing cool things like this.

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I have an unusually tactless cousin who I rarely see (not because he’s tactless, but because I don’t like him anyway). We caught up at some family event sometime, and I said I write a lot of young adult fantasy. He had two questions about that:

  1. Do you write for young adults because you’ve never grown up?
  2. Do you write fantasy because you can’t deal with normal reality?

To which I say a hearty, “Yes and yes”.

Of course the reality is more complex. I like writing (and reading) YA because it’s fast-paced and exciting, and usually a little less intense in its sex and violence (I can develop a case of PTSD from a single graphic scene). I’m fascinated by themes of self-identity, friendship, family and hard-won independence.

I’m well past the age where I felt like I was only pretending to be an adult. At the same time, a lot of the markers of adulthood have been stolen from me. I have never and almost certainly will never be financially independent (I’ve been chronically ill and/or mentally ill for all of my adult life) and I have some mild brain damage which makes my mind behave a lot like I’m in the early stages of alzheimer’s disease. Along with the other stuff, this often makes me feel like an adult trapped inside a whiny, lazy, angsty, and unreliable teenage reality. So in some ways I really haven’t grown up, and never will. This drives me nuts (and loses me many good friends) but perhaps it’s for the best in the end.

Fantasy is interesting. As a nerd, I love the idea of power coming from the mind of a character rather than (for example) exercise or physical strength. I also find fantasy inspires me to deal with reality because it lends itself to such universal and hopeful themes: Good triumphing over evil despite enormous odds, a despised child becoming the hero and saving their tormentors, etc. After many years of crippling depression, the odds of ever being a healthy or well-balanced person are perilously low. Yet when I first became a mother (something that usually sends sane people mad) I found myself much stronger and more capable than before. How did that happen? Did the Power of Love (TM) really save the day?

Well… yes.

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So you can grow out of fairy tales if you like, but I’ll be here: Still believing.

Apart from anything else, I have my own magic. I create worlds and people our of thin air, with extraordinary ease and (arguably) skill. It might not make me a grown up, but it does make the world better. Which is all I ever really wanted to do.

 

 

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Where?

July 16, 2016 at 10:57 pm (Daily Awesomeness)

Yes, I’m alive.

I also have a computer that is fast enough to keep up with my (heartily moderate) typing speed. Huzzah!

“Heart of Brass” is perilously close to actual, 3-D publication.

The next game from Tin Man Games has a tentative release date of 17 August (and every week after that, for many months).

But having a new computer meant I needed to log in to wordpress again. Sounds easy, doesn’t it?

I’m getting better.

It doesn’t make me cry any more.

Heck, it only took me 9 minutes this time. I have it down to a fine art.

Step 1: Attempt to just log on. This time was unusually good; I didn’t remember my password, but I *did* remember my username this time.

Step 2: Ask to retrieve password. This requires me to remember my backup email address. This time was unusually good; it only took me two tries.

Step 3: Access my backup email address. This requires two things: Remembering the password (obviously not going to happen), and remembering how to log out of google (two attempts each; a personal best).

Step 4: Reset password. It’s not allowed to be short or memorable, or anything I’ve ever used before. This is when I discover the last six passwords I used.

Step 5: Log in. Which requires remembering the new password for five seconds, or starting again from the beginning. Since I remembered NOT to click the big “Generate strong password” button (which creates a stream of gibberish in order to help one restart the process from scratch), I got it first go.

So here we are. Victorious.

Yes, computer, I WOULD like to save that password for next time.

Here is a photo of my son from this afternoon, asleep on my sleeping husband’s lap.

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Party Post-Mortem

June 5, 2016 at 1:58 pm (Daily Awesomeness, Food, Love and CJ)

Yesterday was TJ’s 2nd birthday party. It was also the family party/get-together for Chris… and my brother. And my nephew.

My brother didn’t actually come, which he probably enjoyed very much.

It all started with the knowledge that my parents were visiting Canberra that weekend. With four family birthdays around the same time, I had a think about the unique challenges of doing something all four (turning 2, 11, 36, and 37) would enjoy, and came up with the legitimately brilliant idea of going to Skyzone trampolining.

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The trampoling bit:

My poor nephew is six years older than the rest of his cousins, so he generally has a pretty boring time at any family events. THIS, however, he enjoyed. Epic win.

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TJ is pretty easily pleased, but he really, really liked this. Epic win.

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Chris injured his back during the night, and tends to get mildly depressed by his own birthdays. That + an attempt at jumping = epic fail. But he had fun anyway. TJ was hilarious.

After taking about fifty photos, I realised that our camera was changing its settings every time it was turned off. That was less than ideal, but at least I know now (and I’d taken some video since jumping pics are tricky at best already).

One of the cousins, looking artsy:

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I was really pleased to have all the grandparents there so they knew how TJ handled it (it’s VERY likely that the trampolining will be an annual family tradition). TJ was nice enough to pay special attention to my in-laws who really only showed up for him and Louisette. Epic win.

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Cost: high ($16/jumper) but ameliorated by saying, “No family presents”. (The grandparents still gave gifts, naturally – I chose most of them, and chose VERY well. Gifts for 2-year olds are so much fun!)

Planning: I asked staff about their busiest times, and chose 3-4pm as a result. It was noisy and crowded, but because almost all our kids were aged 0-5, we were able to go in the “littlies” area, AND have it almost entirely to ourselves. (And we had enough adults that the 11-year old was able to do his own thing and still be connected to the family.) Epic win.

When I found out not all the family would be coming, I decided to combine the “family” and “friends” birthdays, and (after checking it was okay with my mum and sister) I chose two kids to invite as TJ’s best friends. TJ loves them, and so do I (two REALLY nice, cheerful, and chilled-out little boys who are sufficiently flexible/confident to have fun at a noisy trampoline place), and I really really like every member of their family too. Both kids came, with was really cool. And they both had fun*. And I had zero anxiety about inviting a bunch of adults I’d never met before. Epic win.

For my kids, I generally have two special days for their birthday – a party, which is all about community, and a birthday day, which is all about the actual kid. (This mattered much more when they were turning 1. Most 1-year olds cry through their entire party – but “what the friends/family/I want” and “what the kid wants” are still often distinct.)

Surprises: Chris’ back injury wasn’t actually anyone’s fault. He didn’t have a great birthday (it was his birthday day, which was a bit sad – who wants to run a kid’s party on their own birthday?) but he’s taking Monday off for TJ’s birthday (the plan is to give TJ some attention and then ship him off to daycare) which will actually be a great day for him.

The kids and Chris were all quite grumpy all morning. (Louisette and I are always miserable before and after big events, which is unfortunate but at least I know it’s coming these days.)

A random girl decided TJ was in her way and she knocked him over and then was busily pushing him into the path of a pair of bigger kids that had come into our area by mistake. Chris spotted them and ran to intercept, getting there before TJ fully realised what had happened (or was jumped on). One of the four-year old girls with us saw the whole thing, and told Louisette that TJ had been bullied. Louisette immediately came and told me, and I assured her it was dealt with, and that she’d done exactly the right thing – which she had. Given how much I myself wanted to punch the bully, I was really impressed with the behaviour of “my” girls.

This entire weekend half of New South Wales is flooding, so my assumption of bad winter weather was extremely wise! Epic win. (Except the parking suuuuuuucked. I warned everyone that sessions started on the hour so they should be early, but my lot was the only group that arrived vaguely on time. I felt bad that they’d wasted so much money, but it’s not like it was my fault.)

*Some strangers had one of those mall ride-in cars parked nearby. One of TJ’s friends spend half an hour trying his best to flee the trampoline, meaning that his mum and I were unable to sit down but were constantly crash-tackling and wrestling him (which was fun too, but not exactly what we were aiming for). Eventually/wisely, she asked the random strangers if her son could sit in their car. Fortunately they said yes, and the kid was thrilled. After ten minutes in the car, he was able to enjoy the trampolines. #Random #alwaysonekid

Shoulda, coulda, woulda: Next time, I definitely need to bring water for the kids to drink!


Cake: I made an ice cream cake (thermomix for the win!) despite the season. It’s easy to make (essential when Louisette REALLY wants to help) and can be prepped quite a quite a while in advance. It’s also much yummier than regular cake (and actually neater to eat – spills are simpler to clean than crumbs, and travel less far from the table). Epic win.

I also made cupcakes with Louisette and TJ on the day. Like any sane person, they enjoyed the raw dough more than the finished product. (Louisette is obsessed with cupcakes, but only ever eats the top.) #worthit

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I put a candle on every cupcake, so each kid got to blow out (and thus spit on) their own cake. It was really easy for me, and really fun for them (and reducing birthday jealousy by a lot). Didn’t sing “Happy Birthday”. I hate that song. Epic win.

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We didn’t eat at Skyzone, which was definitely wise. Everyone came back to my house for cake etc (the promise of cake made the kids happy to leave Skyzone). Most of the guests had their own set of keys, so the two cars that arrived before us didn’t have to wait in the rain. Three potential catastrophes averted.

I was mildly concerned Louisette would ask for party games, but she was so busy she didn’t think of it. (Her favourite is pass the parcel, which is a nightmare to produce and another nightmare to adjudicate). Two catastrophes averted.

The main reason it felt so busy was…………..


……The climbing frame.

Our calendar has photos taken roughly a year ago (each month) so this month has a pic of TJ’s party last year (including the climbing frame). TJ saw the photo on the calendar and indicated he wanted to play on the climbing frame again. Since it was so extraordinary for him to have the ability to articulate any wants in advance, I was determined to comply (plus it’s a really great way to suddenly jazz up a homebound, housebound party).

I forgot to pick it up from the in-laws in advance of the party, and it was clear that every adult thought I was insane for insisting on it. It’s a fairly complicated thing with instructions that are only barely in English (and in quite an illogical order too), and about half the pieces are missing their labels. It’s also moderately difficult to take apart – even with the right tool, it hurts your fingers (and we didn’t have the right tool – we know someone who’s lent it to us twice before, but since I didn’t invite them to the party I chose not to request it this year).

On a good day it takes twenty minutes to put together. With seven kids around, it suuuuuuucked. I sent the four pre-school girls to another room, and was really impressed with their obedience. The process still sucked, and no one could really help much. But TJ really enjoyed the building process – and when it was done, he had an absolute blast climbing it (and so did the remaining kids).

For the kids, that was definitely way more exciting than the cake (or party games, for that matter).

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Surprises: I knew Louisette was fascinated by building and construction. This was the first time I saw that TJ has the same inclination. Next time, I’ll build the frame before the party and involve TJ and Louisette and Chris.

But TJ LOVED it. Epic win. #worththepain

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Surprises: The last two kids had a bath with mine, because they left well after bedtime and having a bath at our place meant they could go straight to bed. Their mum and I sat around a corner from the bathroom, after telling the pre-school girls to yell for us if anyone fell under the water. We listened carefully to them (patterns of speech and laughter and splashing) but at one point the girls yelled for us, and we came running. TJ had fallen under the water, and they had done exactly what we’d told them to do. (TJ had sat up again by himself – he actually does that a lot and has always gotten himself back up – excellent training for a real drowning crisis.)

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I’ll remember this party as the moment when Louisette stepped up as a big sister. (Not that I’d actually use her as a babysitter, but my trust in her good sense and awareness has increased dramatically.)

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(Not a great photo, but I kept it for Louisette’s facial expression mingled pride and watchfulness.)


Recovery: I’m quite sore today – back, feet, legs, arms, wrists (I’ve taken nurofen for the arthritis and will have a hot shower and then bandage my wrists soon). There are two bits of good news on that front. First, my pain is symmetrical, which is “normal” pain (as if I’d been moving house rather than just running a party, but no injuries). Second…no migraine! The meds I’m on are making me extremely drowsy (and unco), and I’m sleeping up to 14 hours per day BUT they do seem to be stopping the migraines. I get mild headaches some evenings, and the occasional flash of pre-migraine “aura” (visual weirdness which is a strong warning of impending migraine)….and that’s all. I’d expect three days of strong pain after a kids’ party. But maybe that time is over. Maybe I can actually do stuff – like driving, going outside, and exercising – without being wiped out for days afterwards.

The tips of my fingers all hurt from putting together (and partially taking apart) the climbing frame.

Psychologically, I’m in the black pit between anti-depressants (an unfortunate necessity for the new migraine meds) and it’s been very very bad for the last month or two. Stuff like thinking I need to give my children up for adoption. I feel a bit traumatised by the party, but the therapy I need is relatively simple: 1. This blog. 2. Sorting through the photos to prove to myself it was a good party, and special for the kids. 3. Some thoughts about adjusting expectations in future (some of the adults happily breezed through the party while I and one other person – a single mum who deserves to sit down and chat with grown-ups more than anyone else at the party – did 95% of the serving, cleaning, and supervising). If I know my friends think of the party as a social occasion for adults (a notion that  believe is sometimes possible with all pre-schoolers and older, but never possible with toddlers), then that changes how I set things up.

And I intend to have a thorough whinge-fest with Chris once the kids are asleep. (It should be noted that he attempted to help with the climbing frame but was gasping and moaning in pain so I told him to stop.)

Conclusion: Chris needs a day off – without kids – for his birthday. Otherwise, Skyzone is the biz, and is going to stay awesome for many years to come. When the kids are a fair bit older, we’ll probably invest in a full-scale party (Skyzone provides cake and food and a party room) one day, but will probably do something unclassy to ameliorate the expense (like making people pay their own way, as with this year).

I’ve been to a party at the other trampoline company (in a giant semi-converted warehouse in Mitchell that was less nice as a facility), and Louisette is still talking about it a year later.

All I really should have done better is:

(a) Take water to Skyzone. (And keep in mind that everyone will be late no matter what I say.)

(b) Build the climbing frame with my kids and husband, in advance.

(c) Have something lazy-but-fun for before and after big events when the bad mood strikes – maybe a new Pixar movie for all of us to watch together.

In fact I left the climbing frame half-assembled (not fully assembled because TJ’s climbing strategy lacks self-preservation and I knew Chris and I would both be dopey this morning and therefore unable to supervise safely), and have decided to rebuild it with my kids momentarily, and leave it up for TJ’s birthday day tomorrow.

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Draft Book Trailer

June 1, 2016 at 12:29 am (All Steampunk Fiction, I get paid for this, My Novels, Steampunk Australia Stories, Steampunk Series)

Well, we’re 20 minutes into June here and the novel HEART OF BRASS isn’t out yet. TRY NOT TO PANIC.

I’ve known for a little while that it was unlikely to be finished in May (as previously announced). Stuff happened. Non-fatal stuff, which is my favourite kind of stuff (especially when it comes to getting my books published).

It’s still on track to be printed in the next couple of months. There’s a tiny chance it’ll be out in time for Supanova Sydney (mid-June), in which case I’ll be there, at the Odyssey Books stall.

In the meantime, here’s the not-quite-finished-but-mostly-done (including permissions) book trailer:

 

Also, for those in the Southern Hemisphere, this day is a day for celebration: Just three months until Spring!

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Please, no! Not the Comfy Chair!

May 23, 2016 at 3:57 am (Daily Awesomeness)

Unable to sleep due to my terror of waking up in the morning (naturally), I started reading a really excellent book. Then I started coughing too much due to lying down, so I got up. Again. And remembered why I read fantasy almost exclusively. Because the book I started reading is a slice-of-life romance.

Real life is terrifying. It is incredibly dry, and at the same time so humid with meaning and feeling and symbols that I can barely breathe.

Literally every object in this room is a swirling maelstrom of joy and pain, comfort and terror.

There’s a happy meal toy on the table beside me. It’s beautifully balanced, yet cynically crappy (excuse me, why does pushing its feet together make the wings flap? It’s very cool to my 1-year old, but where’s the biological logic there?) Since it’s from a large company, some or all of was probably made in an overseas sweatshop – ironically, by children. My son finds it empowering to pretend to be a fierce creature, like that dragon. The script is well-prepared: He holds the dragon and says, “Raar!” and I scream. He says, “Rar!” and I scream again. My daughter played exactly the same game at exactly the same age.

This is a fun game. We both know the rules, we both like the silliness, we play it over and over and over. I don’t have to move and I don’t have to think. That makes it a good game, worthy to be encouraged.

The funny thing is, I am afraid of him. My son. When he screams – which he does often; he’s 1 – my heart races, my head throbs, my mind blanks, and my gut clenches.

I am the BuffyBot; when I malfunction I go home to be fixed, and to hide from the Big Bad until I’m better. But the Big Bad is my kids versus my too-fragile mind and body, and the Big Bad lives in my safe house, and the Big Bad isn’t big or bad, and I never get fixed…

Everything in this room has an epic tale of light and dark to it: the free curtains that aren’t quite long enough; the TV that takes ten minutes to turn on; the recliner that requires a karate kick to close up again; the doona spilling from its cover; the jackets on the floor beneath their hooks; the plastic cup with milo residue inside; the bouquet of TV remotes; the scribbled notes (mine) and painting (kids); the Salvo’s couches in forest and mossy green; the much-peed-upon carpet that fits the room so perfectly.

And THAT is why I write fantasy. Because I can’t bear to look around at ordinary life, and see the layers and implications underneath everything. Real dragons are easier to fight than toy ones.

 

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What is writing for?

May 20, 2016 at 2:08 pm (Daily Awesomeness)

I sometimes wish my skills were of a more practical nature, so I could be more “useful” to the world. Here are some interesting articles that beg to differ:

 

http://blogs.worldbank.org/publicsphere/things-we-do-how-reading-harry-potter-increases-social-understanding-through-mental-mirroring

http://readingagency.org.uk/news/media/reading-for-pleasure-builds-empathy-and-improves-wellbeing-research-from-the-reading-agency-finds.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/storytelling-changes-the-world_us_573c6c16e4b0dd5bcde03fb4

Science fiction saves the world – again!

 

http://actwritersblog.com/2015/09/08/why-do-we-keep-telling-and-retelling-fairy-tales/

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Steampunk Interactive Fiction

May 19, 2016 at 4:18 pm (All Steampunk Fiction, Interactive Fiction, My Novels, Steampunk Australia Stories)

My steampunk universe is wandering free in several forms (with at least one more time, place and engine still to come) so I need to clean house and make things clearer.

I’m adjusting the category tag I use to coordinate things to “All Steampunk Fiction” and having two facebook pages – one for interactive fiction, and one for physical books.

Hope this helps…..

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An Immodest Proposal

May 14, 2016 at 10:16 pm (Entries that matter)

*This is likely to be upsetting to people suffering from the effects of violence.*

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An Immodest Proposal

 

For Preventing Poor Individuals in Non-Australian Lands From Being A Burden to the International Community, and For Making Them Beneficial to The Australian People and to Other Nations Struggling to Cope with their Comparatively Low Levels of War, Disease, and Oppression.

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Dear Immigration Minister,

I have chosen not to address you by your Christian name for two reasons. Firstly, because in your policies and speeches you are indistinguishable from a long line of Immigration Ministers before you, and Secondly because the use of the word “Christian” in connection with your office might give this letter the appearance of Satire.

We certainly wouldn’t want that.

I find myself struggling with the task of addressing you at all. The words “Immigration” and “Minister” are as ludicrous as the word “Christian” in connection with your official duties, since the word “Immigration” is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as “the action of coming to live permanently in a foreign country” and the word “Minister” is defined as the verb “to attend to the needs of (someone)”. This falsely implies that your career involves attending to the needs of those who must live permanently in a new country.

It is clear from your actions and from the actions of your predecessors that your primary task is to prevent the needy (specifically those who have “come across the sea”) from gaining entrance to Australia’s “boundless plains” – or indeed to any grain of the “Golden Soil” of this nation “Young and Free”.

I applaud your ongoing effort to avoid the dangerous precedent of allowing foreign invaders to come into contact with our Golden and/or Red and/or Brown Soil. Although increasing numbers of asylum seekers(1) are departing from warring, starving, or dangerous countries due to humanity’s pathological addiction to the twin evils of hope and survival, you have successfully stopped the majority of asylum seeker boats from touching our invaluable dirt.

It is very efficient of you to also keep most of these desperate individuals from touching our sea borders, so that their deaths on the ocean are legally nothing to do with us. Better yet, Australia has made a brave stand against People Smugglers by actually reducing the number of refugees accepted into Australia(2), including those using the infinitely more popular(3) route of airplane flight. This in turn increases the number of boats, which means that some people smugglers have probably lost Several lower-level staff in drowning accidents just out of sight of our Sovereign Lands. I’m sure they’re terribly put out.

Well done. You may not have stopped the boats from existing, or stopped people smugglers from exploiting the desperate, or stopped the wars and torment that are creating the current record-breaking numbers of refugees(1) all around Our World, but it must be said that a boat filled with dead refugees on the bottom of the ocean has most definitely been Stopped.

Once again, Well Done. You have protected our innocent Australian citizens, who are Most Terribly Vulnerable to feeling Briefly Disturbed by the sight of drowned children. If asylum seekers made it onto our golden dirt, that could potentially lead to a state in which the slogan “Stop the boats” might be understood by its truest meaning – to wit, “Sink the boats” (5).

Of course, some boats do not sink, even after their dangerously long journey is doubled in length due to their being turned back by our Heroic Navy. Those boats are not wasted! Not on your watch, Minister! Sea-going vessels returned intact and under guard to their country of origin build friendly trade relations between Australia and those military-based dictatorships that prefer to personally kill their citizens rather than letting them drown out of sight (5).

Well done on your compromise solution of stopping some boats by sending them to Davy Jones’ Lock-Up, and stopping others by sending their human-like contents back to be tortured and killed in a place where any remaining relatives can also be tortured by proxy, or perhaps drawn out and killed in person thanks to our most timely intervention (5).

Since I am congratulating you, I shall also congratulate you on effectively eliminating queue jumpers by ensuring there is often no legal path through which asylum seekers can safely and legally arrive in Australia (12). No one can jump a queue that doesn’t exist, can they?

The large number of asylum seeker drownings and deaths(5) reveal the drowned individuals’ innate lack of planning and survival ability. If they had predicted Total Economic and Social Collapse of their home nations, or had arranged to be born into a different ethnic group, sea level, gender, or orientation, they would not have felt the need for a perilous voyage at all.

It is a testament to the hardiness of Australian government ministers such as yourself that we have lost only one Australian Prime Minister to the sea (13), while refugees such as the three-year old Alan (known as Aylan) Kurdi are among some hundreds of drowned asylum seekers (14). People are perfectly capable of swimming the English Channel, so it is obviously just laziness and/or poor parenting that allows three-year olds like Alan to falter when crossing the various oceans they must face in their path to safety.

Speaking of drowning, our Prime Minister Holt contrived to drown within sight of shore, while the vast majority of drowned asylum seekers are foolish enough to drown on the open ocean while attempting to reach a nation that they believe values human rights. Not only are their swimming skills lacking, but their beliefs in the notion of Universal Human Rights is simply wrong. Only people with the Good Sense to be born in safe location are Worthy of full Human Rights such as the right to work, to be free of torture, to be locked up only if found guilty, or to survive at all.

Rather cleverly, you have worked hard to ensure that these drowned individuals are almost entirely kept away from Australian TV screens and therefore from Australian living rooms (15), where true Citizens of our Nation might accidentally confuse them with the Humans for whom Human Rights might someday apply. Best to keep them hidden! Congratulations on the wise investment in offshore detention, where asylum seekers, like naughty children, are neither seen nor heard. This helps maintain that important distinction between Human and Non-Human that keeps our country from developing into a more multicultural society. It is well worth increasing our budget deficit to pour endless money into an awkward and never-ending debacle, so long as Australians don’t suffer from our peculiar malady of guilt over Those Individuals we spend billions to avoid helping (9). A budget must be full of sacrifice, and we sacrifice a great deal of money in order to sacrifice the freedoms of asylum seekers.

There hasn’t been an invasion of our precious dirt so determined since the year 1788, when boats brimming with Diseased Criminals changed Australia forever. In order to follow in that tradition, we would have to do away with our flood of asylum seekers in favour of those who are more inclined to carry small pox and/or murder weapons.

Small pox is difficult to acquire in this day and age, but there are plenty of criminals that should perhaps be imported to Australia in order to reinvigorate the traditional system of Australian Immigration. Unfortunately Muammar Qaddafi, Slobodan Milošević, Saddam Hussein, and Augusto Pinochet are all unavailable due to their deaths at the hands of individuals who Disagreed with their Methods of Government. A truly courageous, innovative government must bravely face the risk of such censure! Your own courageous stand against Human Rights has drawn global recognition, as it should (11).

This heroic array of world leaders would surely add to Australia’s cultural landscape, but instead we are subjected to an influx of less famous individuals fleeing their homes, families, and livelihoods in order to avoid the above characters and those like them. Worse, those whose homes, families or livelihoods have been destroyed tend not to invest heavily in their new Nation of Residence – at least until such time as they are Released into Society (6), which is of course Unthinkable. Giving these individuals the ability to move about freely and perhaps Earn a Living would blur that important line between Asylum Seekers and Humans.

This is where my Immodest proposal shines in its efficient simplicity. I flatter myself that you understand already that such an Elegant Solution to a Global Issue cannot possibly inspire modesty.

The Australian People are repeatedly shocked and saddened at the live export of cattle and sheep to distant and/or unsavoury locations around the world. At the same time, we have an overabundance of human cattle, many of them young and therefore ideal for the premier export market.

It might appear a little cruel to simply kill all of them, but it’s the most efficient way to solve the Asylum Seeker problem. Naturally we are Wise Enough to keep the best breeding stock alive.

Weaker governments might set up a raffle system, whereby applicants to safety and freedom have some small chance of reaching a new home. Weaker governments might even give in to the Repeated Pleas of their own Citizens (16) to process Asylum Seekers Swiftly, Transparently, and In Australia. Weaker Governments might make fast, easy budget savings by accepting the hundreds of offers of free accommodation for Asylum Seekers from the Australian People (17). However, this kind of practice might encourage the persistent mould of hope, which must be bleached and scoured until none remains. Otherwise individuals who have lost their savings, homes, jobs, freedoms, and assorted loved ones will never learn to accept their lot in life and/or death. We mustn’t encourage them to think or feel like Normal People.

Instead of a “Life Lottery” there should be more wide-reaching education about the God-given Lottery of Geography. If a person is born in a place that fails to grant them status as a Citizen – a Rohingya in Myanmar, or a person whose nation is vanishing outright due to the side effects of global warming – they must not be accepted as a citizen anywhere else in the world. Such behaviour disturbs the Natural Order and could results in yet more individuals Falsely Categorised as human.

Similarly, if a girl is sold into sexual slavery, she should be taught to appreciate her unique perspective in that ancient industry, and perhaps to anticipate the experience of having her first period and then her first pregnancies, assuming she should live that long. Otherwise she might get ideas above her station and become unhappy – much as my own daughter becomes upset when she discovers my chocolate stash and I don’t let her eat it all. The main lesson here is not to allow children to believe in a different life.

Obviously a sex slave’s captors are unlikely to take the time to train him or her in more than one skill, and the pleasure of their customers must always take precedence over their own desensitisation. That is where our government bravely steps forward, erecting billboards abroad to proclaim Australia’s increasingly famous racism, and stopping hundreds of genuine refugees (5) from ever reaching shore anywhere on Earth. All of these initiatives are specifically designed to extinguish any small, inconvenient hope the Geographically Challenged might mistakenly possess.

I confess I felt a little sick mentioning my funny, friendly, Frozen-obsessed four year old in the same paragraph as child sex slaves, but that just shows that I have my own geography-based cross to bear. I’m sure the mothers who lose their daughters to international child prostitution rings soon adjust to that Unusual Career, even if it wasn’t what they originally planned for their babies. If it were not so, ignoring their plight would be too cruel even for a First World Country such as ourselves.

Hopefully the parents of boys likely to be drafted into military service before they reach puberty will be similarly responsible, advising their toddlers to design a realistic five-year plan that includes their own abduction and various gunshot or stabbing wounds inflicted by their playmates. It is very much the same kind of experience as the resignation I myself feel when I tell my own child than he really must wear pants despite our mutual dislike of that article of clothing. I stick to my guns, and I expect child soldiers to do the same.

I felt a little sick mentioning my chatty, charming, chubby-cheeked one-year old in the same paragraph as child soldiers, but that just shows that I have my own geography-based cross to bear. I’m sure the mothers who lose their sons to roving militias soon adjust to that Unusual Career, even if it wasn’t what they originally planned for their babies. If it were not so, ignoring their plight would be too cruel even for a First World Country such as ourselves.

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Children should never make their own choices. Their minds and bodies belong to their governments, and if they should manage to avoid death in their own land or at sea, they have ipso facto surrendered their bodies and minds to our wiser Australian government. The UN has been kind enough to describe our treatment of refugees as “torture” (11) which just goes to show how accurately our detention camps mirror the conditions our most Asylum Seekers have experienced in their own countries of origin.

Having said all of that, there will always be a small number of individuals who are unable to completely vanquish the growth of hope and/or their instinct to survive, and a small number of those determined and hardy individuals will get perilously close to Australia and an Actual Liveable Existence.

This is not a disaster, but an opportunity!

In this age of cooking shows and political correctness, Australians are longing to do something that is both creative and overtly xenophobic. The one thing all Australians love about non-Australians is their food. Taking that love to its natural conclusion will feed Australia’s hunger for novel cuisine, not to mention alleviating our “white guilt” as well as our accidental hint of appreciation for other nations. Best of all, it will save thousands of cows and sheep from a deeply unpleasant and dangerous sea journey! No one wants our animals to suffer that way, and far too many sweet innocent creatures have drowned and been lost forever.

All we have to do is treat our Asylum Seekers as nature’s own GM-free farm. We don’t need to hunt them or even feed them, since so many are already weak from malnutrition and grateful for the least scraps of humanity they’re given – why, our Asylum Seekers stay in detention for well over a year on average, and they’re so unused to human kindness that even Basic Medical Care is a privilege they’re no longer accustomed to. Many are denied sufficient drinking water and/or time enough to shower (4). Since asylum seekers are already treated like animals, the transition to meat product will be a smooth one.

This will be a great economic boon to Australia. Not only will our own local meat prices plummet, saving households a great deal of money in their grocery bill each week, but our live meat exports could be expanded overnight – and all without any upsetting cruelty to animals! The innate profitability of living asylum seekers (6) has not been enough to bring them home to Australia, but the profitability of their flesh is sure to motivate all Australians to lobby until we finally welcome our fair share (7) of the world’s refugees.

Asylum Seekers, on the whole, are an excellent lean white meat – although since refugees come from literally every walk of life, there are plenty of fattier, juicier meats on offer as well as the usual “heart smart” stock. Anyone can become a Refugee!

My own children are naturally slender, and as a result would be best suited to become the chief ingredient of a hearty stew. They could also be boiled down into an excellent natural meat stock.

I confess the idea of eating my own children makes me feel a little ill. Given that natural reluctance, we must take care in our Immigration Detention camps that any low-cost meat gleaned from asylum seeker children should be shipped to a different shore. I recommend shipping all food-grade Asylum Seekers to the mainland for consumption, since Australian Citizens no longer fear asylum seeker children once they have ceased to draw breath. I freely admit that this will add to the production costs of the meat, however since the “meat” has already been flown or shipped back and forth across oceans and from Offshore Detention Centre to Offshore Detention Centre while alive, the relatively minor shipping cost of the dead children will be quickly balanced by the sale of that meat. Since the meat is likely to quickly become a luxury item, I recommend adding GST to the product before it hits shops. Adding GST to the product later will create the appearance of a cynical price hike, and might enrage Australian citizens.

But the true Market Strength of asylum seekers is that a disproportionate number are women and children. The children are perfect for all your favourite veal dishes from Warm Winter Roasts to Summer Salads. For Australia Day, a little boy or girl’s leg can be sliced horizontally to make delicious Miniature Butterfly Roasts at a tenth of the price of similar-quality lamb shanks.

Asylum seekers already make excellent Breeding Stock. They often come equipped with several children, and only the strongest survive long enough to be put into Immigration Detention in the first place. Women who aren’t actively breeding may still end up participating in the program, since the Transfield Company running our camps reports the current rate of sexual assault to be One Attack Every Four Months under their Care (10). Many of those assaults are wasted, since they are Perpetrated on Children, but it is likely that several will still result in pregnancy – and a mother who is tormented daily by the sight of her attacker/guard is less likely to protest when her child is taken on the inevitable one-way Abattoir Excursion.

This renewable meat supply is thus far being wasted, particularly considering that the Transfield Contract to run our detention centres is worth $1.2 billion over twenty months (9). The asylum seekers themselves are making every effort to reduce the Financial Burden of their own existence by engaging in attempts at self-harm, on average, every four days (10), as reported by Transfield. This proves that Asylum Seekers are fundamentally Considerate Individuals who will perfectly understand the good sense of my proposal.

The constant adrenalin and pummelling from beatings and self-harm tenderises the meat, making it ideal for your Australian/International stir fry fusion dishes. The roasted meat of a young asylum seeker child is so tasty as a sandwich filler the following day that you’ll wish you could eat nothing but Abusive Guards’ Leftovers!

But of course this era of Thrilling New Cooking Opportunities can’t stop there. Asylum seekers make excellent casseroles, stroganoffs, risottos, pasta dishes, and savoury pies. Imagine the popularity of a reality cooking show focused entirely on the innovative methods of preparing a Hitherto Largely Untasted source of Lean White Meat!

Once again, the best recipe ideas come straight from the Immigration Detention Centres themselves. Every so often an individual who manages to find the endurance to get to Australia – nearly – loses their last spark of hope behind Australia-funded barbed wire, at which point they recognise their true place in this world. It isn’t under the table, like a dog begging for scraps. No! They deserve pride of place on the table, Cooked and Plated to Perfection.

And so it is that, every so often, a refugee turns their very Last Feeble Spark of Hope into a literal fire, and sets themself on fire. Helping those in need is an Australian trait, and nowhere is it expressed more fully than when someone who once dreamed of becoming An Australian Citizen chooses instead to pre-cook their own body. In this manner he or she saves time for housewives and househusbands who are already Overworked and Pushed for Time; often exhausted from spending all their time looking after and feeding their own non-drowned, non-slaughtered children.

The genius part of this cooking method is that the charred individual generally stays alive for some days before dying of their wounds. This keeps their meat fresh as it slow-cooks over several days.

Rather appropriately, this innovative self-cooking method tends to bring the Burned Individual to Mainland Australia just in time to be given medical treatment that isn’t quite timely enough to keep them from expiring soon afterwards.

In this manner, they get to touch Australia’s Golden Soil in the most thorough method possible – by burial.

Personally, I recommend the one possible action that’s even more Australian than burying yet another dead Asylum Seeker. I confess I’m inspired by their own final act in this world.

Could there be anything more Australian than throwing a few Asylum Seekers on the Barbie?

 

Yours Sincerely,

 

A Human Being

 

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  1. 2015 likely to break records for forced displacement – studyhttp://www.unhcr.org/5672c2576.html “The global refugee total, which a year ago was 19.5 million, had as of mid-2015 passed the 20 million threshold (20.2 million) for the first time since 1992. Asylum applications meanwhile were up 78 per cent (993,600) over the same period in 2014. And the numbers of internally displaced people jumped by around 2 million to an estimated 34 million.”
  2.     2015 UNHCR subregional operations profile – East Asia and the Pacific   http://www.unhcr.org/cgi-bin/texis/vtx/page?page=49e487af6&submit=GO

“In Australia, restrictive policy changes introduced previously were further reinforced       by the coalition Government elected in September 2013. The introduction of   (regional) offshore processing in Papua New Guinea and Nauru in 2012, with no  prospect of durable settlement in Australia, was combined with ‘Operation Sovereign Borders’ to implement the Government’s policy of intercepting and returning boats to           Indonesia.

The new Government reduced the humanitarian programme from 20,000 resettlement places in the fiscal year 2012-2013 to 13,750 places in 2014-2015.”

  • Boat Arrivals Fact Sheet

http://www.refugeecouncil.org.au/fact-sheets/asylum-seeker-issues/boat-arrivals/

“The number of people arriving by boat in Australia is very small. In 2010-11, Australia received 11,491 asylum applications. Less than half of these (5,175) were from asylum seekers who arrived by boat. Over the same period, 2,696 Protection Visas were granted to refugees who arrived by boat. This is just 1.3 per cent of the 213,409 people who migrated to Australia during the year.”

 

In 2009/2010, 80% of boat arrivals were deemed to be genuine refugees, and only 3% of asylum seekers arrived by boat (ie “boat people” are an incredibly minor part of the issue, and are usually genuine refugees).

 

  1. Open Letter: Living in the hell called Nauru

http://www.thesaturdaypaper.com.au/opinion/topic/2014/10/25/open-letter-living-the-hell-called-nauru/14141556001165#.VKF2EfCcC

            “Drinking water is hardly found here. Sometimes we can find no water even for taking pills. You need to wait until a meal time. Toilets are very dirty because they are cleaned only once a week. Sometimes, recycle bins are full and remain for several days. Unlike what is claimed, here we have no health standard. A traffic of mice and poisonous millipedes has become normal in our camp. It is full of flies.”

  • Immigration policy in 2014: Reza Barati’s death was a low point, and just the beginning

 

http://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2014/dec/23/immigration-policy-in-2014-   reza-baratis-death-was-a-low-point-and-just-the-beginning

A summary of 2014 for asylum seekers in Australia: “Under Australia’s watchful eye,     asylum seekers face an environment of intimidation, violence, self-harm and procedural uncertainty.”

 

  1. Malcolm Fraser savages Scott Morrison’s new asylum seeker laws and senators who passed them

http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/malcolm-fraser-savages-scott-   morrisons-new-asylum-seeker-laws-and-senators-who-passed-them-20141210-124bp1.html

Former PM Malcolm Fraser is appalled at the recent Migration Bill and the powers it bestows upon the Immigration Minister (including secrecy and the ability to knowingly return people to a place where they are likely to be tortured).

 Scott Morrison may gloat but asylum seekers’ boats haven’t really stopped

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/dec/11/scott-morrison-may-gloat-  but-asylum-seekers-take-more-boats-than-ever?CMP=share_btn_fb

The “stop the boats” policy is putting more people in danger (the most vulnerable are ignored because they are forced to go and risk death elsewhere).

  • ‘Stopping the boats’ a fiction as Australia grows ever more isolationist on asylum

 

http://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2014/dec/31/stopping-the-boats-a-fiction-as-australia-grows-ever-more-isolationist-on-asylum?CMP=soc_567

According to the UN, the reason there are less people arriving in Australia by boat is             because the “stop the boats” policy is causing more to die at sea. A more effective             method of reducing people smuggling and needless death would be to create better             legal channels where possible (but for many of the most desperate asylum seekers,             there IS no legal path to safety because their own government wants them dead).

  • Australia hands over 37 intercepted asylum seekers to Sri Lankan navy

 

http://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2014/nov/29/australia-hands-over-37-intercepted-asylum-seekers-to-sri-lankan-navy?CMP=share_btn_fb

Sri Lankan asylum seekers returned to Sri Lanka were immediately (and predictably)    arrested.

“Less than two years ago, the Australian government’s own statistics showed that             about 90% of boat arrivals, including those from Sri Lanka, were judged to be in need    of protection. Yet suddenly, under a secret process on a boat on the high seas, with no        legal oversight, only one of 38 is judged to need protection.”

  • Asylum seekers return to living hell

 

http://www.smh.com.au/national/asylum-seekers-return-to-living-hell-20120723-22kq6.html

Tamil asylum seekers deported from Australia allege torture (sometimes to death) and      imprisonment without trial. Their allegations fit into human rights abuses already             documented against Tamil people in Sri Lanka.

  1. Economical advantage:

http://www.mdainc.org.au/sites/default/files/Assessing-the-economic-contribution-of-refugees-in-Australia-Final.pdf

http://wbttaus.org/better-ways/

Although studies vary considerably in their estimates, all agree that in the long term             refugees settled within Australia benefit the national economy.

7.

  • Amnesty Annual Report 2015/16: Australia can do better

 

http://www.amnesty.org.au/news/comments/41350/

“Australia must lift its refugee quota to at least 30,000 people in 2016 and end the regime of offshore detention.”

Australia vs the World

http://www.asrc.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Australia-vs-the-World_July-2015_m.pdf

“Our World Ranking (2014)

 

  • By total number of refugees 50th (prev 48th)
  • Compared to our population size (per 1000 inhabitants) 67th (prev 62nd)
  • Compared to our national wealth per billion GDP 84th (prev 85th)”
  • Australia’s Position on Refugees is Despicable.

 

            http://www.theage.com.au/comment/australias-position-on-refugees-is-despicable-20141213-124abc.html

Australia is a safe, wealthy country that is not pulling its weight in terms of  international responsibility to the poor, desperate, and endangered.

  1. Transfield wins 1.2b contract for Manus, Nauru detention centre security

http://www.sbs.com.au/news/fragment/transfield-wins-12bn-contract-manus-nauru-detention-centre-security

Transfield Services will be paid $1.2 billion over 20 months to continue overseeing security at Manus Island and Nauru.

  1. Comment: Don’t attack Transfield over detention centres, attack the contract

http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2015/10/28/comment-dont-attack-transfield-over-detention-centres-attack-contract

Detention Centres are host to an attempt at self-harm every four days, and an incident of sexual assault every four months.

  1. Australian asylum seeker policy may contravene torture convention – UN

http://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2014/nov/28/australian-asylum-seeker-policy-contravene-un-torture-convention

“The UN refugee agency had, the committee said, found that overseas centres did not provide humane detention conditions.”

  1. There’s no such thing as a “queue”

http://www.amnesty.org.au/refugees/comments/22616/

A number of countries in our region refuse to allow UNHCR to even register refugees.

  1. Harold Holt – Fact sheet 144

http://www.naa.gov.au/collection/fact-sheets/fs144.aspx

“Harold Holt disappeared while swimming at Cheviot Beach near Portsea, Victoria on 17 December, 1967. His body was never recovered.”

  1. Alan Kurdi’s Story: Behind the Most Heartbreaking Photo of 2015

http://time.com/4162306/alan-kurdi-syria-drowned-boy-refugee-crisis/

“Alan Kurdi was one of a million. In the summer of 2015, the three-year-old Syrian boy of Kurdish origins and his family fled the war engulfing their country, hoping to             join relatives in the safety of Canada. They were part of a historic flow of refugees             from the Middle East to Europe this year, and they followed the dangerous route             taken by so many others.”

  1. Concern over media restrictions on Australia’s asylum seeker policy

https://www.ifex.org/australia/2015/10/23/asylum_seeker_policy/

“The International Federation of Journalists (IFJ) joins its affiliate, the Media,             Entertainment & Arts Alliance (MEAA) in raising strong concerns about the media  restrictions that surround Australia’s asylum seeker policy and its offshore             immigration detention centres. The IFJ and MEAA call on the Australian government     to end the restrictions on media access and access to information.”

  1. Some examples:

http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/breakfast/grandmothers-hit-the-road-to-protest-against/7250000

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-10-30/medical-staff-protest-children-in-detention/6899542

http://www.smh.com.au/nsw/hundreds-protest-in-sydney-against-asylum-seeker-high-court-decision-20160204-gmlo3o.html

https://globalhome.org.au/2015_kids-out/

http://nla.gov.au/nla.obj-148871386

https://shootingthrough.net/2015/01/07/open-letter-to-immigration-minister-peter-dutton/

  1. Some examples:

http://www.roomatmyplace.org/

#Bringthemhere

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Still here

May 13, 2016 at 9:53 pm (Daily Awesomeness)

So the latest chapter in my usual medical drama has been a drug-fuelled romp through doctor offices and haunted towns. Life as usual then, except for the drugs.

Medical drugs, of course. What did you think I was talking about?

The last couple of weeks have been a rage and hallucination-infested wonderland as I went off the anti-depressant Zoloft so that I could start on the migraine medication Amitriptosomething. I started Amitriptosomething last night, so this is where things are meant begin looking up as far as “problems above my neck” are concerned.

We’ll see.

I have a couple of really interesting blog posts 99% done, so stay tuned.

In the meantime, here’s a picture, because words are boring.

IMG_9747

 

That’s my two kids, and myself in a giant tutu on the world’s most windy day ever. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

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