DR YES: Men in trenchcoats
This is not a spy story. But it is actually true from beginning to end, and it happened – you’ll love this – in 1800s Britain. Enjoy!
My grandmother’s parents died when she was fourteen, so she raised her two younger brothers on her own. When she was a young woman, she was walking home on her own when she realised she was being followed.
The gentleman wore a top hat and a long dark trenchcoat. The night was misty and (remember this is the 1800s) dark.
My grandmother sped up – so did he. She slowed down, and he didn’t turn away. As she crossed a bridge, he caught up to her, and threw off the trenchcoat to terrify the young woman with all his naked glory.
She looked at him without flinching and said, “Is that all?”
Because nothing is scary once you’ve raised teenage boys.
DR YES: Welcome, my pretties. . .
Welcome to a new tale, and a new blog theme.
This blog will have a lot of cool spy gadgets on it.
Jimmy Bind and Yen have appeared before, in January 2010. Here’s their previous story in its full and chronological form:
Jimmy Bind still has an inexhaustible supply of gaffa (aka duct tape, for you USAers out there), plus all the gadgets he had first time around – a shoe phone, two cast iron matchbox cars (with grapples and cameras built in), a sleeping-gas pen and blow-up gum.
Yen is the Chinese super-spy he apprehended last story.
Anyone feel the lack of a specific gadget or spy trope? Let me know in the comments, and I’ll see what I can do.
Cloud Wars: En Giardia!
WARNING: gross medical stuff to follow. . . don’t read this while eating.
Regular readers will be aware that I went to China and Indonesia early this year, and became sick in Indonesia (I’ve been to Indo-land seven times, and become ill every time).
I am still sick almost two months later, so I went to a doctor. Despite the care I took (never drinking Indonesian water, or ice, or salad, and brushing my teeth with bottled water), this is probably what my intestines currently look like:
Specifically, that’s a likely representation of the mucus of my small intestine.
Those cute little guys are called Giardia Trophozites, and they spend their days “actively swimming” and making me feel sick (though probably not as sick as you feel right now, if you’ve got a decent imagination).
The most likely way I inadvertently invited these guys to an intestinal pool party is by accidentally (or intentionally, but I’m pretty sure I’d remember that) ingesting a small amount of “human or animal faeces”. Yep, I accidentally ate some poo.
The medication I’m taking is called “Flagyl” which sounds suspiciously like “flagellate”. The perfectly rational explanation is that it’s named after the four little tentacle-thingies that each of my new little friends has trailing from their backsides.
Hey! Let’s take a closer look!
So, in conclusion, here are some recommended slogans for Indonesian tourism:
Indonesia: Impossible to forget!
Indonesia: An experience that stays deep inside you!
Indonesia: Bring it home with you!
Indonesia: A great opportunity to travel, meet new people, and ingest their faeces!
Cloud Wars: Future Scooter
Still in the “mad science” vein, here’s something that really exists (but only just):
It’s an electric-powered scooter. And it still does have two wheels – they’re just side by side, instead of that stuffy old “one in front of the other” thing.
It’s toally simple to drive – once you get it balanced. Reassured, everyone?
It’s battery powered and can reach about 60 kilometres an hour. And that’s just the prototype.
Cloud Wars: More Mad Science
Here are some scifi images to haunt your dreams (as per usual, I’m not responsible for the content on these web sites, but didn’t immediately notice anything amiss):
http://www.paranormalknowledge.com/articles/tag/science-fiction
http://www.darkfaery-subculture.com/sci-fi/a-look-at-science-fiction-books/
http://www.terpconnect.umd.edu/~ehamm/Elementary%20Genres.html
http://www.armchairgeneral.com/forums/showthread.php?t=63820
PS
I forgot two things: First, I love watching “So You Think You Can Dance” partly because it’s SO great to see healthy bodies (as opposed to “The Biggest Loser” which is just terrifying). Secondly, today’s recipe:
Most soporific drink ever
Hot milk and butterscotch schnappes.
Mmmmmm. . .
Also good with chocolate milk mixed in (but the chocolate wouldn’t help if you’re using the “special milk” to get to sleep).
Cloud Wars: Mad Science
Science up your day with these two very different but equally insane individuals:
http://cedarconsulting.wordpress.com/2008/05/13/mad-science-or-insurance-laboratory/
Not enough for you? Visit the ten mad scientists post that belongs to the above picture.
http://www.onlinecolleges.net/2009/03/30/10-real-life-mad-scientists/
Cloud Wars: Steampunk Art
There is a LOT of steampunk art around, and much of it reaches a very high standard. Here’s a random person I found through twitter (and their website, http://www.tribalgothic.com is very pretty too):
Cloud Wars: Bad writing
For all lovers of good writing, here are this year’s winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, (aka “It Was a dark and Stormy Night” Contest), run by the English Department of San Jose State University, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel.
10. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.
9. Just beyond the Narrows , the river widens.
8. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.
7. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: “Andre creep… Andre creep…Andre creep..”
6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.
5. Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store.
4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.
3. Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.
2. Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn’t know the meaning of the word “fear”‘; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death — in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
AND THE WINNER IS…
1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along
the greensward and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog’s deception, screaming madly, “You lied!”
Cloud Wars: Story so far
Wed 10 Feb
“Mum! I gotta go make rain now.”
“Why can’t you get a real job?”
“MUM!” I switched off the comm and shot my payload into a full-looking cloud.
*
Since I’d cunningly forgotten to shut my lid, the rain I made fell right in. When the sparks started I cursed myself and pressed ‘eject’.
*
I floated down as neatly as you please, but the Eastern plane had already landed. They wrapped my own chute around my neck and I was gone.
Th 11 Feb
I woke in an Eastern jail – all concrete chic with a side order of migraine. Eastern cloud seeders made bets on me outside the barred door.
*
The good thing about being a nineteen-year old girl is that people think I’m weak. On their odds, I wouldn’t wake up. So I didn’t move. Yet.
Fri 12 Feb
When a doctor came to take my pulse I grabbed both his arms and twisted. He yelped but he quickly learned not to move – a perfect shield.
*
“We’re BFFs now,” I told him, “because today we live or die together.”
“Do I get to choose?”
“You sure do. . . is that a sandwich?”
*
I escaped into a land as dry as my mouth, and searched the dying fields for water without success. If only I hadn’t done my job so well.
Sat 13 Feb
A woman woke me, and I followed her into her home. She gave me water to drink. Then I saw the picture of her dead son – a cloud seeder.
*
She saw me looking, and nodded. “I helped you for his sake. You’re a seeder too.”
“And possibly his killer. Have you poisoned me?”
*
She laughed sadly. “I no longer care for East or West. Only sons or daughters. When you’ve eaten, take his plane. It’s no use to me.”
Sun 14 Feb
Dan stood over me – he liked to belittle his employees. “You lost your plane and consorted with the enemy.”
“I escaped. Isn’t that my duty?”
*
I competed for my job using the dead boy’s ancient plane. Two sleek Western planes dived for me, and I wrenched at the wheel with all I had.
*
The wheel came off in my hand. I swore as the green, green ground of my home rose to meet me. My second crash in five days. Real impressive.
Mon 15 Feb
Dan put me in the visitor’s cabins to shame me. Was I fired or not? If only I had a plane! The other seeders flew off, laughing and revving.
*
I awoke, miserably, at 2:00pm. Someone was outside. I crept out and saw six Easterners unbolting our cloud cannons. Filthy thieves!
*
I ran to our emergency cannon, and grabbed the air siren. Then I blasted the enemy with noise and silver nitrate. They fled; skinny shadows.
Tue 16 Feb
“You wasted our silver shooting at phantoms,” said Dan.
I controlled myself with an effort: “Perhaps I should be transferred.”
“No.”
*
When my room was broken into I heard my attacker above the pattering rain. He lunged for me. I rolled off my bed onto the hard floor.
*
I pounced on his sword and wrenched it from his hand. He kicked at my knee, but I dodged – and bashed him unconscious with his own sword.
Wed 17 Feb
I watched the river water rise, knowing my late-night attacker was in the room next to me, and probably treated just as well. Bosses suck.
*
The other seeders flew back and forth, firing again and again so the clouds wept needlessly. For the first time, I became truly annoyed.
Th 18 Feb
At dawn I dressed and went outside, shocked to find the river was now lapping at my door. Fortunately we kept our planes on higher land.
*
I took the air siren, and blew the first blast at Dan’s open window. “Flood!” I shrieked, “Save the planes!”
“Who – huh – what?”
*
Since I’d saved our entire fleet, I was moved back into the group cabins. Dan said I was on probation. Everyone else said I was a hero.
Fri 19 Feb
Probation Schmobation, I decided, and marched into Dan’s office.
“Hello Ann,” said Mum, sipping her latte, “you’ve been causing trouble.”
*
“Back in the visitors’ quarters?” I asked.
Dan said, “Yep. And on rations.”
“Thanks Mum. Thanks a lot.”
Mum shrugged innocently.
Felicity Banks 