The 5 Best Chrises
There are so many white, handsome, famous Chrises right now. So let’s rank them!
5. Chris Sullivan
You might not have known his name. Or if you knew his name (from This is Us) you didn’t recognise him under three and a half hours of makeup. But this is Chris Sullivan aka the mighty Taserface (Guardians of the Galaxy 2).
4. Chris Pratt
Chris Pratt rapidly changed from a schlub in The Office to a superhero (even if Drax describes him as a “dude” rather than a “man” like Hemsworth’s Thor). He is, after all, an actor. I don’t have a strong impression of the actor’s personality except that he loves laughing both at himself and at others. He manages to balance that humour with action scenes, and with Star-Lord’s emotional complexity and growth.
3. Chris Hemsworth
Yeah, but Hemsworth is funny and has the biggest muscles and he’s Australian.
2. Chris Evans
Chris Evans, though. He has the best arc of all the Chrises (so far… Thor and Star-Lord are still going), and the best heart, and he’s clean-shaven (usually) which I prefer in my eye candy. The actor has great range, but also uses his fame to speak out about those who are less privileged than he is. He’s a real-life hero. What could beat that?
Honorable mention: Chris Pine. He’s in Star Trek and Wonder Woman which makes it feel like he’s in Marvel even though he’s not. Pine is the most intellectual Chris, with a love of books and of unusual words used well. But he’s not in the MCU, and he once said he’s not that big a fan of superhero movies, so screw him.
Also, his eyebrows are stupid. There, I said it.
1. Mine
Well, obviously.
I’m a sucker for a (mostly) clean-shaven Chris with gorgeous green eyes, a love of all things nerdy, a quick wit, and a hero’s heart.
So that’s the most correct and final list of all the greatest Chrises of our time. No need to sound off in the comments; I know I’m right.
The 5 Worst Father Figures in the MCU: Infinity Saga
So many choices, amirite?
So let’s start with the man who got a pass on the villain list despite making Ultron.
5. Tony Stark
Look, Tony. I know your own dad wasn’t super emotionally competent, but it is not okay to enlist a child into your civil war, okay? Particularly without his guardian’s knowledge or consent.
And coming on to said guardian while you’re there? Unhelpful at best.
No matter how cool the scene ends up being.
4. Yondu
In Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Yondu is ret-conned to a certain extent. He didn’t keep Quill because he was handy child labour; he kept him to save him from his killer father.
Having said that, Quill was still abducted from his home planet and was constantly threatened with being eaten. Yondu died to save him, and that’s worth a lot—but parenthood takes a fair bit more than one grand heroic moment. Quill has a lot of reasons to be screwed up, and Yondu is definitely one of them.
3. Odin
The all-father seems like a great dad, wise and compassionate and all kinds of great stuff. He sends Thor on a quest that makes him a better person, and he adopts a baby belonging to his traditional enemies, raising him as his own. His quest for Thor nearly gets the god of thunder killed, and he should have told Loki he was adopted… but it’s not until Thor: Ragnarok that we find out about Hela and about Asgard’s blood-soaked past.
Parenthood: It’s not one of those things where you can change your mind about your parenting style and lock the first kid in an underground dungeon so you can start over.
It is an elegant tragedy that Odin’s most lovely, fatherly speech towards Thor is actually Loki pretending to be Odin.
2. Ego
Impregnating various races in order to gain a child who can help you take over the universe is not a good reason to become a dad. Killing countless offspring who disappoint you—and the occasional mother that you’re tempted to stick with—is also not good parenthood.
Just… just no.
Honorable mentions, for those who are mostly good but also kind of awful:
Rocket cares deeply for Baby Groot, and it’s adorable, but in an ideal world children don’t get raised by psychopaths. Just saying.
King T’Chaka raises two wonderful children, and is fundamentally a good man—but he has something in common with all the worst billionaires of our time. He chooses not to care about the rest of the world. I understand the urge to protect one’s own people at the expense of others, but if you truly want to be a decent father, that means being a decent human being as well.
Hank Pym, for being cranky as and for taking way too long to let Hope have a suit. She’s so, so much more competent than Scott.
Scott Lang, for going to prison and then continuing to steal stuff and risk his freedom. He loves Cassie, but he makes a lot of dumb, awful decisions that put her in harm’s way and that stop him being able to actually act like the good dad he wants to be.
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And finally, Thanos
Not because he wants to kill half the universe (although that’s certainly a solid entry in the ‘nope’ column) but because of the way he gaslights, abuses, and manipulates his adopted daughters.
Those girls are deeply messed up, and that was entirely intentional on his part. He wanted them desperate for his approval, and constantly fighting one another in an attempt to please him that would never be satisfied.
It is delightful to see them both break free of him.
Five Best Exposition Moments in the MCU: Infinity Saga
If you’ve read any of my recent articles on the Marvel Cinematic Universe Infinity Saga, you know that I don’t like obvious exposition. There’s a lot of very good writing throughout the Marvel movies (in particular, bickering to introduce characters and character goals works beautifully), and here are my top five moments of exposition:
5. Black Panther‘s opening animation
I know I lowered Black Panther‘s ranking in the five best films because of the opening exposition, but it’s still very good exposition. The animation isn’t just good; it’s fitted to the story and its technology—Princess Shuri later mentions her sand table.
It tells us a lot: why Wakanda is rich, where the vibranium came from, how the Black Panther super power is given via the heart-shaped herb and most of the ritual and tradition that comes with that. Personally, I can’t think of a better way to communicate all that info quickly and memorably. And I have a feeling that the panther-god Bast may be more than just a minor cultural detail in future films. (Or not. Who knows.)
4. The Wonka tunnel experience in Thor: Ragnarok
This is a very funny, entirely bonkers mini-scene that tells us a little about the Grandmaster and the planet Sakaar. It knows that it’s echoing the tunnel sequence from the 1971 film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (that traumatised a generation of children), and used a twisted instrumental version of Pure Imagination to let us know that they know that we know. From this we learn that no one leaves Sakaar, the Grandmaster is the boss, Thor is his slave, and that gladiatorial combat is a-coming.
3. Stark’s name on weapons
Way, way back in the very first scene of the whole Infinity Saga, Stark is blown up. In the middle of an intense firefight that ends with his capture, he spots an unexploded (at that point) missile with his own name on it, and he is so shocked to see it that he freezes, staring at his own name.
This is when the audience and Stark both find out that his company—the company of which he is supposedly the boss—has been selling weapons to baddies. It is devastating not only because Stark is captured and nearly killed, but because everything he believes he knows just got turned on its head. It is abundantly clear from his face that he didn’t know his weapons were being sold to both sides.
2. The opening of Thor: Ragnarok, with Thor talking to the Ragnarok-bringing monster about the Ragnarok prophecy.
Yep, Ragnarok again. Thor chats to a skeleton and is then threatened by a big horned monster (Su-something) that is prophesied to destroy Asgard (which he then kills*). He takes a page out of Black Widow’s book and uses his own imprisonment and interrogation to find out what he needs to know. And we’re laughing so hard we don’t notice that they’ve just outlined an important plot beat so they don’t have to waste time explaining it in the climax.
*It gets better.
Honorable mention:
“And get this man a shield.”
Captain America gave up his shield to Stark at the end of Civil War and he doesn’t get it back until Avengers: Endgame, when he and Stark are fully reconciled. King T’Challa fought against Captain America and Bucky in Civil War, but that fight is well and truly over, and has been replaced by respect. This line is badass, while also establishing that King T’Challa and Captain America are friends now, and how Captain America gets the Wakandan shield he uses in the battles to come.
And people love this line. There’s something deeply satisfying about it.
Speaking of lines that are just beautiful, while also conveying vital plot information:
1. “He’s from space. He came here to steal a necklace from a wizard.”
Now that is what I call an excellent summary of all the salient facts needed to jump into an action scene. And an epic movie, for that matter.
The Best 5 Movies in the MCU: Infinity Saga
All these lists are incredibly hard to rank, and this one I had to cheat a little. The twinned films of Avengers: Infinity War and Avengers: Endgame are extraordinary. The first two times I watched them, I could hardly pay attention because I was so blown away by the brilliant writing: the quiet moments; the emotional hits; the way the films introduced characters and their personalities both speedily and with action rather than exposition. But part of the reason they work is the other twenty-one movies behind them.
So. I would have made them number one, but instead I left them off this list.
This pic is Rocket, Nebula, Rhodes, Natasha, Thor, Stark, Steve, Banner, Clint, Scott, Carol, and Okoye. There are so many characters missing from this: King T’Challa, Dr Strange, Sam Wilson, Peter Quill, Peter Parker. . .
5. Iron Man
If this film wasn’t brilliant, the Marvel Cinematic Universe would not have happened. Brilliant main character, brilliant opening, brilliant script, brilliant twists. The baddie is very clear from the beginning, but that just adds a sense of menace. Obadiah Stone isn’t all that great as a villain, but his creepy “affection” for Stark and Pepper, and his touchiness to everyone does add a lot. And, as I may have mentioned, this film was fun.
4. Guardians of the Galaxy
It was Marvel that got us in the door to see this wacky space movie with a talking racoon, but by the second scene we were all thoroughly hooked. My son loves Spider-Man with the passion of someone with nerd parents who introduced him to superheroes before he could roll over… but after watching bits of many MCU films, his favourites are now the Guardians of the Galaxy. Brilliant opening; brilliant balance and mix of characters; brilliant themes; brilliant ending. The baddies are numerous and Yondu is a good one (the rest are forgettable). My only quibble is that Quill’s mother appearing at the “hold my hand” climax was uneccessary.
This was the tenth film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and this was the point at which we knew Marvel could do anything, and do it well.
They were more than twenty hours into this saga, and they were still just so freaking fun—again.
“We are Groot.”
3. Thor: Ragnarok
Thor is a jock. He’s big and strong and. . . not dumb, but dumb compared to the geniuses around him (not to mention dumb compared to the god of mischief). Ragnarok brought him back to life, for both Chris Hemsworth and for the audience.
From the hilarious opening scene onwards, this movie is a technicolour delight. There is surprising depth to it, from the destruction of Thor’s hammer to the prophesied destruction of his home realm.
After so, so many films, this film changed the game yet again. It also introduced ever so many fan-favourite characters: Hela, goddess of war. Grandmaster. Valkyrie. Korg. And Stan Lee as a hairdresser who advises Thor to stay still since “my hands aren’t as steady as they used to be.”
All the other films on this list are origin stories, which are relatively easy to write. This one deserves all its praise for taking a sequel tale and making it so, so good.
2. Black Panther
The tomatometer scores this at 96%. The only reason it’s not #1 on my list is that the opening scene, although beautifully animated, is pure exposition and I have a personal dislike of any obvious exposition.
Speaking of brilliant characters though? All of them. The tolkien white guys are brilliant; Killmonger is brilliant; Okoye and W’Kabi and Nakia and Ayo and M’Baku are brilliant. T’Challa is exquisite. Even T’Chaka, the king who died before the film began, still manages to be more interesting than many living characters from lesser films. Also the world-building, costumes, and use of language are brilliant. This film is all perfection, except maybe for some of the fight between T’Challa and Killmonger, which is potent on the waterfall and devastating at its end, but a bit blah on the train track. (Still better than many many superhero climax scenes.)
Honorable mentions:
Marvel’s Avengers: I love it, and Loki and the Chitauri are both exquisite villains. But the opening scene is baddies talking exposition, which I find very dull. So, in such a list, that lost it a spot.
Winter Soldier: Again a brilliant villain, and the climax actually matters. I know there’s a lot going on, but to me and everyone else it’s all about Steve putting everything on the line to try to reach his best friend. In a world of dull CGI climaxes, it stands out. The only reason it didn’t make the list is that I don’t buy the idea that Hydra could really infiltrate S.H.I.E.L.D. for so many years. Obviously that’s from the comics, and it’s a huge twist which is fun… but I still just don’t buy it.
Captain Marvel: Another climax that really, really works—and all the more so because the film has a relatively slow start and spends so much time with an amnesiac hero. But I still penalised it for that slow start and amnesiac hero. Yeah, I was looking for reasons to take films off my main list.
Captain America: The film means even more than it did when it first came out, because Captain America is still the noble, selfless hero that he was before he became Captain America. I love this character, and I love that the writers (and Chris Evans) keep him from being so good he’s dull.
Nazis are always good villains, but perhaps there was a missed opportunity to have a Nazi villain who didn’t spend all their time being eeevil and chewing scenery. These days, Nazis are much scarier than they are in this film, because a Nazi who lives next door is a real and present danger.
And finally. . .
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1. Spider-Man: Homecoming
I did not expect this film to end up as #1. It’s just a silly little bit of fun, isn’t it? It didn’t reinvent the concept of theatre or make anyone think more deeply about real-life issues. But as far as I can tell, this movie is perfect. Perfect hero, perfect villain, perfect beginning, climax, and end. I can’t think of a way to make it better. And it’s hilarious too.
It’s so good I have hardly anything to say. Kudos to Tom Holland, who is extremely funny, great at action scenes, and can then break down in tears and rip out the audience’s heart. Because that’s the heart of Spider-Man, isn’t it? He’s just a kid.
So there you go. What’s your #1 pick?
5 Most Profound Moments in the MCU: Infinity Saga
After years of watching our heroes go through incredible hardship, risk their lives repeatedly, and sometimes lose their lives, there are some moments that stick in the heart and are never forgotten. Here are my top five.
5. Fat Thor
Yeah, the fat jokes suck (I’m mollified only very slightly by the fact that Chris Hemsworth clearly found it all hilarious). But in a genre defined by physical perfection, having a character emotionally collapse to the point that they lose control over their physical form shows a surprisingly real understanding of the human condition.
Even gods can fall.
4. Iron Man’s Heart
Okay, we’re really talking about Stark’s arc reactor, but the audience easily picks up what the writers are laying down. If it was spelled out any more, or handled with less delicacy, it would make people groan. But it isn’t spelled out, and it is handled with delicacy, and as a result it provides an extra layer of tragedy for this character who is so emotionally cool and witty in order to hide his pain and fear.
We begin the film with Stark abruptly finding himself (and specifically his heart) in an incredibly dangerous, vulnerable position. We see the strength of his character as he rebuilds his heart even as his circumstances are as grim as could be.
Later, we see his utter trust (even as he utterly fails to ask permission before asking a considerable favour—because of course he’s far too damaged to frame the request in a healthy manner) as he has Pepper swap out one arc reactor for another. This, to me, is the most powerful scene in Iron Man.
The most powerful image of Iron Man 2 is the horrifyingly toxic, corroded rectangle(s) that are necessary to keep Stark’s heart running but are also poisoning him. It’s no accident that his dad (who Stark remembers as cold and unfeeling, but who laid plans for his son’s life for many years) gives him the information that fixes the issue and saves him. But I don’t think it’s truly Stark Sr that saves Tony; it is Tony’s new understanding that his Dad did the best he knew how to do. (I once did a course that was all about the concept that it’s not the bad stuff that happens to you that leaves you with permanent issues, but your own reaction to it. NOT that the actual bad stuff is your fault at all.)
At the end of Iron Man 3, a Stark who has been experiencing PTSD, mania, and panic attacks finally accepts that he can’t control everything and at the same time gets surgery to get his heart properly fixed. Yes, a lot of this progress is undone in other movies (most notably Age of Ultron) but that’s profound in its own way too: psychological healing doesn’t happen in a single moment, even if considerable progress is made. It’s a bumpy journey that hopefully trends upwards.
Stark does get more and more psychologically healthy, and even manages to live the dream of being married to Pepper, doing a reasonable job of raising a child, and living on a hobby farm. Even though we see only a glimpse of that life (because psychological health gets dull fast in fiction), it’s astonishing that this damaged, mentally ill character manages to actually calm down enough to live a normal life. His death doesn’t in any way diminish the fact that Stark grew into a reasonably healthy human being over the course of the films.
3. Killmonger’s Death
Killmonger, as a child, found his single father murdered in their crummy apartment. His own relatives had killed him, and knowingly left the child behind. And that’s not all he has to deal with.
His apartment is crummy because he’s black. Sure it’s technically possible for an African immigrant to get a great job and live in a wealthy neighbourhood. And sure, it’s technically possible for an African America to get a great job and live in a wealthy neighbourhood. . . but they’d need an extraordinary run of good luck to overcome their own inborn disadvantages.
As I write this, Black Lives Matter protests continue in the USA, focusing on police violence against black people. There are so many murders of men, women (especially trans women), and children because they have dark skin. According to a recent poll, over 60% of US people surveyed are sympathetic to the protests, including the destruction of statues.
Killmonger has grown up in the US, and he is deeply aware not only of the institutionalised and direct racism towards dark-skinned Americans, but the fact that Wakanda is wealthy and advanced, and yet doing nothing for suffering people around the world. He has overcome so much to be a brilliant soldier and fighter, because he is incredibly driven and self-controlled. And you can’t help understanding perfectly well why he believes that violence is the only path to racial justice.
After weeks of real-world protests, his viewpoint makes more sense than ever.
In the films, Wakanda decides to step up (non-violently) and help African people around the world, starting with Killmonger’s childhood neighbourhood. But here in reality, there is no Wakanda, and there is precious little justice.
Killmonger fights T’Challa and, eventually, loses. I wrote out his dying words on the main review page, but they are well worth repeating.
“Bury me in the ocean with my ancestors that jumped from the ships because they knew death was better than bondage.”
2. Cassie Worships her Failure of a Dad
Cassie Lang’s father has been in jail for quite a while, and then he shows up at her birthday party without consulting with her mother in any way. He can’t hold down a job, and rapidly gets back into crime. For some reason a brilliant scientist gives him an extremely expensive piece of technology so he can steal from the government instead of random people or banks. Soon he’s back on house arrest after very publicly causing millions of dollars’ worth of damage during a pointless fight that also paralyses an innocent man (in Civil War). He gets put on house arrest, and when he breaks house arrest little Cassie lies to the police in order to cover for him so he doesn’t go to jail and miss even more of her life.
Throughout all this, Cassie worships her dad.
Scott Lang screws up over and over and over again, and Cassie just doesn’t see it. That is the glory and the terror of parenthood.
Honorable mention:
When, after five years, Spider-Man returns from magic dust land and runs into Stark, he is unharmed and for him it is as if only a moment has passed.
For Stark, however, it has been five years of having failed utterly. His nightmare came true, and he failed that poor innocent kid that he knows perfectly well should never have been brought into the dangerous world of the Avengers.
So then Spider-Man appears, literally out of thin air, and Stark is desperately relived. You can see all those five awful years in his face as he embraces Parker.
Once again, the kid character is cheerful and fine while the adult is all kinds of broken.
1. Morgan Doesn’t Understand her Dad is Gone
Stark risked his life, not just because he couldn’t resist a fight, but because he felt responsible for Peter Parker.
He hesitated to risk his life because of Morgan.
Leaving that sweet, brilliant child fatherless was the cruellest thing Marvel has done to us.
After a-l-l the terrible fathers of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (and yes, there’s a “Worst 5 Dads” list coming), losing Stark just as he’s become the best version of himself is awful.
And the grief piles up and up: War Machine, Spider-Man, Pepper, Captain America… the funeral. The video of Stark saying goodbye just in case, and “I love you 3000″… it just gets sadder and sadder. But the worst is yet to come.
Morgan is sitting on the porch fidgeting with her black dress next to Happy. He asks how she is, and she’s not old enough to be sad, or angry, or even to imagine what a difference the loss of her father will make to the rest of her childhood, to her teenage years, to her wedding if she has one, to her experience of motherhood if she has kids. She says she’s hungry, and wants a cheeseburger.
Happy immediately remembers that Stark asked for a cheeseburger as soon as he got off the plane from his ordeal in Afghanistan, and says, “Your daddy loved cheeseburgers too.”
He knows what Morgan doesn’t: he knows there will be waves of pain hitting her and her mother at surprising times for the rest of their lives: When they sit down to dinner, and only set two places. When Mum now needs to do all the chores that used to belong to Stark. When they hear a noise in the night and Daddy’s not there to be big and manly about it.
“I’m going to give you all the cheeseburgers you want,” says Happy.
And our hearts break all over again.
Five Most Iconic Lines in the MCU: Infinity Saga
There are truckloads of brilliant lines in the MCU: Infinity Saga. It was not easy to whittle them down, but I decided not to attempt to decide which line was funniest or ‘best’, and to focus on the lines that are most instantly recognisable. All of the top five are iconic in part because they are used more than once. Is it cheating or great writing? You decide.
5. I could do this all day.
When Captain America is just weedy, asthmatic Steve Trevor, he objects to others mocking soldiers in a movie theatre and is beaten up for it. This is where we get a glimpse of his sheer justice-based tenacity.
“I could do this all day.”
When Bucky comes and chases the bully off, he comments that Steve seems to enjoy bleeding. It’s clear this is not the first time he has gotten himself beaten up and refused to back down even after getting knocked over multiple times.
Of course as super-powered Captain America the line comes up again, and someone who didn’t know Steve would imagine that his toughness comes from his physical strength. It doesn’t.
And of course when Cap says it to Future Cap, thinking Future Cap is Loki, Future Cap is annoyed to have his own line thrown back at him. Because Marvel is nothing if not self-referential.
4. Hulk smash!
An excellent two-word summary of a character. We all remember it best from Marvel’s Avengers, when it is spoken by Captain America as he rapidly outlines a strategy against Loki and co. during the battle of New York. It first appears in The Incredible Hulk and of course is referenced many times after that. In Avengers: Endgame, when several Avengers travel back in to the time to the battle of New York, Professor Hulk is embarrassed by the original Hulk being all… Hulk-y, pausing mid-battle to smash a car.
3. Yibambe!
I have mentioned elsewhere that I came home and yelled “Yibambe” at the cat for weeks. There’s no need for me to tell you how brilliant Black Panther is, since you already know. The world is now very aware that an extremely successful movie can have a whole non-white cast, non-white setting, and even use an actual African language and African accents. The movie knew how good it was, and didn’t even bother having subtitles during the war chant of Yibambe (which only appears later, in Infinity War, but it works because of Black Panther). Because this movie is so good that people were happy to go along with it and even to google it later (figuring out how to spell it on the way). The character of King T’Challa is the closest thing to a straight man that the MCU has, which gives him a weight that no other character possesses. And Wakanda and the Dora Milaje are iconic in their own right (not to mention Okoye) so when they stand united ready to fight, there is real power. All of that characterisation, world-building, and sheer good writing crystallises into that war chant.
And Endgame wouldn’t be as good without it either.
In case you don’t faithfully study the minutiae of your pop culture, Yibambe is a Bantu word meaning “Hold” or “Hold strong”. Bantu is related to Zulu and is spoken by over seven million people, so now you speak one work of Bantu. Be sure to yell it at your pets.
2. I am Iron Man.
This line, waaaay back in the final scene of the first Iron Man, made audiences gasp. It was the first of many delicious twists on superhero film expectations made by Marvel over many years.
So much for Stark’s secret identity.
Any “I am” statement speaks to identity, which is why Stark says, “I am Iron Man” again after destroying all his suits at the end of his trilogy. Even without his armour, he is who he is.
Then, of course, way at the end of it all, in the final battle against Thanos, that line comes back.
Thanos: “I am inevitable.”
Stark: “I am Iron Man”
And Stark snaps his fingers, and Thanos and his army turn to ash.
The universe is saved, and Stark’s life is lost.
It is an unforgettable moment.
Honorable mentions:
For sheer joy: He’s a friend from work! (Thor about Hulk, Thor: Ragnarok)
For insight, on screen and off: I’m always angry. (Dr Banner, transforming into Hulk on a dime in Marvel’s Avengers)
For the biggest twist: Hail Hydra. (Bonus points for when Captain America says it in Endgame, showing that he has more flexibility than he used to have.)
For shocking the audience: You should have gone for the head. (Thanos to Thor, after all Thor has been through, just before Thanos does the snap that kills half of all living things.)
For love: We are Groot. (As Groot sacrifices himself for his friends, in Guardians of the Galaxy.)
For devastation: Mr Stark, I don’t feel so good. (Whether you love Stark, Peter Parker, or both—this line hurts so very much as Peter Parker turns to dust and Stark is left alone.)
1. I am Groot.
It shouldn’t work to have a character who speaks just one phrase over and over and over. Not only do the films manage to annoy the characters without annoying the audience (an impressive feat, believe me), but both of the Groot characters are extremely well-developed character-wise.
“I am Groot” has a million meanings, and the vast majority are instantly understood by the audience.
Goodbye from Baby Groot!
5 Best MCU: Infinity Saga characters to cosplay
I love Trappers Bakery in Goulburn. (For those who regularly travel between Canberra and Sydney, it’s a perfect stopping place—right near the Gouburn Maccers.) I also love the annual Goulburn Waterworks Steampunk & Victoriana Fair (which is every October, except this year due to COVID-19).
Last time I went to the Steampunk Fair, I stopped off at Trappers Bakery and was talking about the fair. The server said, “Oh, that’s why so many people are dressed up.”
“When adults do it,” I informed him, “it’s called cosplay.”
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Cosplay is an awesome way to express your creativity, and/or to express how much a character means to you.
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I almost always cosplay as something vaguely steampunk, in part because it’s not that different to my regular clothing. (This is an extremely old photo, but you get the idea.)
So, who are the most awesome MCU characters to cosplay (so far)? I’m sticking to a semi-plausible costume budget of around $50-$300, and presuming most but not all of my readers are white/white-ish.
5. Fat Thor
Finally a hero for us fatties.
There are three visual elements to this cosplay: beard, long greasy/dreadlocked hair, and being fat. You can add Lebowski-style sunnies if you like. As a bonus (and handy, since ‘long greasy hair’ isn’t super distinctive) either or both of his classic weapons can be added, since he uses both in Avengers: Endgame. The down side is that carrying a prop gets old fast.
4. Dr Strange
The crucial visual elements are a goatee (FYI mascara makes great facial hair) and a cross-grained red patchwork cloak. If you can sew, you can make this costume. If you have high cheekbones and dark hair, then you’ll be doing great. If you want a bit more to your costume, a piece of round perspex drawn on with orange texta (the kind that’ll draw on perspex) can look like his magic. You may also want to source a ‘sling ring’. The Eye of Agamomnon is a more complex build but you can buy one or build one if you like. But the cloak is what matters, and it puts this costume within the budgets of most people. You can make dark-blue robes for underneath, or just wear clothes that are dark and unobtrusive.
Handy hint: The main thing that makes cloaks tricky to wear is that when they fasten around the neck they hang funny and tend to choke you (especially if they’re heavy, as this cloak should be). I recommend designing one that fastens in two places near the collarbones or shoulders instead.
3. Gamora
FINALLY a girl, and FINALLY a person of colour (although given that she’s green, it’s fairly easy for any race to cosplay as her). Her long dark hair is predominantly a very artificial red, and her skin is green. There are loads of skin paints you can buy online or at cons (although obviously it can rub or sweat off, which can make things tricky). Her outfits range from black/brown to dark red leather (when she joins the ravagers). She can also be part of a great pair or group cosplay with Thanos and/or the other Guardians of the Galaxy, especially her sister Nebula (who of course is blue and bald, with metal bits). She has a distinctive sword (and/or a distinctive double-ended knife), but you don’t need props if you don’t want them.
2. Grandmaster
He has fantastically iconic visual looks (shiny gold cloak, blue under-eye liner, blue chin stripe, and blue fingernails) and a wonderfully distinctive manner as well thanks both to the writing and to Jeff Goldblum. So if you like a bit of acting with your cosplay, this is fantastic.
Handy hint: Putting eyeliner under eyes can be tricky to maintain, especially if you get dry eyes at all. I recommend trying it one evening at home and/or skipping it.
Can be paired with his guard (above; the white face paint and staff are all a New Zealand woman of colour needs although she can go the whole leather outfit if she wants; bonus points if the cosplayer is not thin). Can also be paired with Valkyrie, Thor, Loki, or Korg. Golblum is fairly tanned, so hopefully at least some people of colour can cosplay this one without the cosplay police hassling them (unfortunately people of colour are often told they “can’t” cosplay any white characters, which sucks). Or not, because the cosplay police are really just horrid and no logic can stop them so you might as well cosplay as whatever you want and ignore them.
And the winner is. . .
1. Loki
Any decent purveyor of cosplay knows that Loki cosplay works just as well for female and male cosplayers (high cheekbones are a bonus once again). All you need is long dark hair, green and black leather (a dark green cloak is optional but recommended) and ideally that iconic helmet:
If you have a dark green cloak, an awesome attitude, that helmet, and have/can acquire long dark hair, you should be good to go no matter what you look like because Loki is a friggin shapeshifter.
If I had the physical strength to commit to a costume and strut about all day, I’d cosplay as fat female Loki. That black corset from the picture at the top of this entry would be grand with black pants, and I would not say no to a fabulous forest green cloak.
Another bonus about Loki is that, since he’s getting a TV show, he’ll remain at the centre of pop culture for a good long while to come.
Honorable mentions:
Captain America. All you really need is a shield (you can buy a backpack that looks like that shield, by the way), and you can play as either Chris Evans or as Anthony Mackie if you’d like a choice of Caucasian or African American (or indeed African).
I’ve seen a bunch of glorious steampunk interpretations of Iron Man and others.
The Winter Soldier wears a mask, so that’s a great cosplay for 2020/2021.
Some basic cosplay concepts:
*Always ask before taking a photo. This is a legal consent issue, and you can (and should) be thrown out of a conference if you don’t follow this rule. If you plan to show a photo to anyone else, eg social media, you need permission for that too. If you plan to monetise the picture in any way, you need written consent.
*Never touch someone without their enthusiastic consent, even/especially if they are not wearing many clothes. It is a costume, not an invitation, and any decent con will throw you out if you act even a tiny bit creepy. Also be careful with your compliments eg, “That’s a fantastic Gamora!” rather than, “You are so sexy!” Recognising who someone is playing is a great compliment.
*Please shut up about racial stuff. If someone is cosplaying as a race different to their own, that is not an invitation for you to comment on anything to do with race or skin colour or whatever.
Summary of a Saga
So.
I just watched the entire MCU Infinity Saga in five days. With twenty-three movies in the saga, I averaged ten hours of movie-watching time a day. I’m keeping a neat-o summary here to remind myself who’s who and what’s what next time I dive into the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And linkety links to all my many MANY thoughts on the Saga.
In Australia, they’re all on Disney + except The Incredible Hulk (I rented it from YouTube; feel free to skip it), Spider-Man: Homecoming (Netflix), and Spider-Man: Far From Home (Amazon Prime).
Phase 1 (all reviewed in full here)
***Iron Man
Stark swears off weapons then immediately makes the best one ever.
*The Incredible Hulk
Dr Banner is found by the government but eventually manages to go back into hiding.
***Iron Man 2
Stark promises that bad people definitely won’t be able to make any iron man suits; two different baddies make iron man suits.
**Thor
The god of thunder becomes less of a dickhead.
***Captain America: The First Avenger
A good-hearted weakling turns into a good-hearted superhero.
***Marvel’s The Avengers
Loki tries and fails to use a shiny to get more shinies for big bad Thanos.
Phase 1 summary: S.H.I.E.L.D. (specifically Nick Fury) puts together a superhero team made up of playboy genius Iron Man; part time rage-monster Hulk; jock god Thor; honourable 1940s man Captain America; and well-trained humans Hawkeye (arrows) and Black Widow (spy/assassin). They defeat various baddies including an alien hoard led by god of mischief Loki (aka Thor’s adopted brother and temporary minion of big bad Thanos).
Our original six heroes, left to right: Thor, Hawkeye, Black Widow, Hulk, Captain America, Iron Man.
And here’s Loki.
Phase 2 (reviews part 1 and part 2)
***Iron Man 3
Stark makes way too many suits then blows them all up.
**Thor: The Dark World
Thor and Jane get back together; Loki is slightly less evil.
***Captain America: The Winter Soldier
S.H.I.E.L.D. turns out to be mostly Hydra (oh no), but Cap’s best friend gets partially un-brainwashed (yay).
***Guardians of the Galaxy
Star-Lord makes friends, and together they keep a shiny orb away from assorted baddies.
*Avengers: Age of Ultron
Stark makes then breaks a bad robot.
**Ant-Man
An ex-con becomes a superhero in exchange for stealing stuff for a cranky good guy instead of amiable bad guys.
Phase 2 summary: Our superheroes (now including semi-reformed Loki and Winter Soldier) add iron-suited War Machine, flying robot Vision, superfast Quicksilver (already dead), his twin sister Scarlet Witch (who has ill-defined but impressive powers and no personality to speak of); and lovable schmuck Ant-Man to their ranks. They also get (but don’t yet meet) the Guardians of the Galaxy: insecure but music-loving Star-Lord (human); righteously driven ex-baddie Gamora (green); trisyllabic Groot (tree thing; it dies but sprouts another Groot); twisted and damaged Rocket (mutated racoon thing); and literal-minded muscleman Drax (humanoid). They mean well (mostly), but commit various crimes including major property damage, theft, and mass manslaughter.
Picture 1: Scarlet Witch, Falcon (who gets those wings in the next movie), Vision, War Machine (in his Iron Patriot phase; usually he’s not so colourful).
Picture 2: Bucky (recovered from being the Winter Soldier) and Ant-Man (Scott).
And the Guardians, left to right: Groot, Rocket, Star-Lord (aka Peter Quill), Gamora, Drax
Phase 3 (reviews part 1, part 2, part 3 aka Infinity War, part 4, part 5 aka Endgame, part 6)
***Captain America: Civil War
Running low on baddies, the Avengers fight each other.
**Doctor Strange
Dr Strange learns to use his annoyingness for good.
***Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2
Star-Lord finds and then kills his dad (who is a murderer and also a planet).
***Spider-Man: Homecoming
A dorky teen with superpowers has to save the day alone when the grown-ups get sick of him.
***Thor: Ragnarok
Thor blows up his home planet so his big sister stops playing with it.
***Black Panther
King T’Challa kills a baddie and then does what the baddie wanted.
***Avengers: Infinity War
Thanos gets all the infinity stones and instantly erases half of all living creatures.
***Ant-Man and the Wasp
Ant-Man and the Wasp rescue Wasp’s mother from the quantum realm.
***Captain Marvel
Captain Marvel realises she’s Captain friggin’ Marvel.
***Avengers: Endgame
The Avengers kill Thanos (twice).
***Spider-Man: Far From Home
Spider-Man gives a potent weapon to a baddie then gets it back again.
Phase 3 summary, excluding Infinity War and Endgame: The goodies add the following to their roster: adorkable kid Spider-Man; witty sidekick Falcon; arrogant wizard Dr Strange (and similarly-powered sorcerer Wong); half-mecha ex-villain Nebula (Gamora’s green sister); empath alien Mantis (now also a Guardian); long-frustrated heroine Wasp; superhero squared Captain Marvel; and the Black Panther and a bunch of epic Wakandan people and weapons (gracious noncombatant Queen Ramonda; genius teenager Princess Shuri; and Okoye, the righteous leader of the bald-headed Dora Milaje all-female army).
Summary of Infinity War and Endgame: Thanos erases half of all living creatures. The heroes get everyone back, except:
a) There’s a five year gap when the world is half empty.
b) Gamora, Loki, Vision, and Black Widow are dead; Captain America is old and retired. Past versions of Gamora and Loki are likely to be around in future.
c) Thanos is definitely for sure gone now.
Picture 1: Spider-Man and Dr Strange
Picture 2: Nebula and Mantis
Picture 3: Captain Marvel (she cuts her hair later) and Black Panther (Wasp not pictured because she’ll be hanging out with Ant-Man, and her look is very similar to his except she has wings):
Thanos is big and purple, and also dead. Not pictured.
* * *
Here are some other MCU reviews etc that I wrote in 2019:
Captain Marvel VS Wonder Woman
Spoiler-FILLED prep for Infinity War, for those who want to know what happens in advance
Spoiler-filled post-viewing discussion of Infinity War, with my predictions about Endgame
All Fourteen Best/Worst-of Lists I Wrote Just Now:
Best 5 Movies in the Infinity Saga
Best 5 Scenes in the Infinity Saga
5 Most Profound Moments in the MCU: Infinity Saga
5 Best-Written Pieces of Exposition
5 Most Problematic Moments in the Infinity Saga
5 Best Romances in the Infinity Saga
Biggest Writing Challenges for Marvel going forward
After Infinity: Marvel Stuff I’m Looking Forward To
* * *
For those concerned about my health, I had a very calm day today. TJ was lonely in the living room, but he was fine with me sleeping as long as I was in the room with him. I’d warned him I needed to rest today, so he very carefully made the living room couch “super comfy” for me so I slept there during the day.
Pictured: super comfy.
Marvel-ous Day 5: Part 4
One film to go!
SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME (2019) Amazon Prime
One-sentence summary: Spider-Man gives a potent weapon to a baddie then gets it back again.
This takes place in the post-Snap (aka post-Blip) world. The movie reminds us of all the tragedy of Infinity War and Endgame, yet has us laughing virtually immediately.
The romance here is a suitably dorky teen romance full of awkwardness and hesitation. It is exactly as it should be. And so is May’s enthusiastic support of Spider-Man. And the awkwardness of his aunt heading into a romance of her own.
Our sweet innocent child has a few good normal things in his life, thank goodness. Like a school trip, yay!
But he’s grieving for Stark, and feeling like everyone expects him to take over as, effectively, Iron Man. It does NOT help that Stark has bequeathed him a set of Iron Man sunnies that double as a weapon of mass destruction. Classic Stark, though. Stark and Peter both make a lot of dumb life choices. Sure enough, Peter gives his sunnies away to the villain. (Way later in the film.)
Elemental visuals are cool.
*
I love that MJ figures out Peter’s secret identity—and also plays a part in discovering the truth about Mysterio.
Zendaya is trending on twitter right now, as she’s getting attacked by some fools and worshipped by many others. That’s life as a woman of colour, unfortunately. Here’s some real quick google images of her wonderfulness to brighten your day:
*
Mysterio does what all the best Spider-Man villains do, and messes with Peter’s head.
He is just a kid, after all.
So Mysterio beats him up both literally and figuratively, tells him that he’s dumb and that all his friends are going to die, and then runs him over with a train.
Sounds like adolescence to me.
*
Haha I’m so tired. Forty-five minutes to go. I really hope TJ lets me sleep in tomorrow.
*
Peter breaks down under the stress of not being Iron Man, and of having given a major weapon to a villain.
STOP HURTING THIS SWEET CHILD, YOU GUYS.
Happy points out that Iron Man was a mess too.
And then Peter steadies himself and uses Stark’s magic computer system to design his own new Spidey suit. (And Happy is smart enough to not mention how like Stark Peter is.)
*
And so we come to the final showdown in London. It’s a delight to see Zendaya and the other schoolgirl take down a drone using medieval weaponry.
*
Peter has fully regained both his mojo and his “Peter tingle” (Aunt May’s term for his Spidey sense). As a result, Mysterio’s tricks, illusions, and gaslighting stops working on him.
Mysterio dies from his own drone strike.
*
MJ and Peter finally and beautifully get together. She keeps the mace.
Peter takes her flying…
Post-credits scene: …and she hates it.
And Mysterio (with assistance from J. Jonah Jamison) had set up a death-switch video that exposes Spider-Man’s secret identity. While framing him for the ‘murder’ of Mysterio.
I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU TO STOP HURTING PETER YOU GUYS!
Post-credits scene 2: It turns out that two Skrull have been acting as Fury and Maria Hill for this entire movie, while Fury has a holiday in space. (Which explains why Fury was so determined to push the very young Peter into risking his life so much.)
* * *
It is astonishing that any series can be of such consistently high quality for so long. (See Appendix A: Game of Thrones.) The whole saga shares themes and characters in a balancing act of character, style, theme, and even multiple genres (fantasy, comedy, space opera, scifi, action). My cats are super impressed and so am I.
I have a LOT of best-of-the-MCU-so-far lists that I’m compiling for your edification and mine. I’ll probably release one or two a day for a week or so. (The first, top villains, is here.) Everything from ‘best characters for cosplaying’ to ‘best one-liners’.
We all need something to keep us going until we can see the next Marvel movie. And/or all those upcoming TV shows.
Edit: I went to bed an hour ago but did I mention I’m having a manic episode? It takes a while to come down from those. So I’m up again at 4am because I was just getting more and more ideas for blog post lists. Also I got really excited that I reckon I’ve figured out the title of the third Spider-Man movie. So now I have to fill my head with something other than my own creativity, so I’m… watching TV. Specifically, movie reviews.
I like movie reviews. Could you guess that?
I will eventually get to sleep, don’t worry.
The title of the third Spider-Man movie should be Spider-Man: Homeless.
Because the other two both have the word ‘home’ in the title, and because Peter’s just been framed for murder AND outed as Spider-Man, so it’s likely he’ll be on the run for a bit.
MCU Infinity Saga: Top 5 Best-Written Villains
The MCU has a bad reputation for forgettable villains, and it’s often justified. While attempting to explain every plot twist to my six year-old, I realised that every movie has several villains. Of course a lot of them aren’t well-developed.
But a bunch of them are brilliant. Here are my top picks, based purely on the quality of the writing (and acting), and the depth of emotion they inspire.
5. Thanos.
Not because his plan makes sense, or because he’s so powerful (powerful schmowerful, as so often happens). He gets on the list because his treatment of his daughters is so twisted and so painful that I truly hate his guts.
And he actually thinks he loves them, too. Sure, he grieves Gamora. People often grieve useful or beautiful or expensive objects, especially when they’re spent a lot of time getting them just the way they want them. That’s not love.
4. Ghost
I’d be angry too, if other people’s incompetence led to constant pain for me—particularly if I also had only days to live. As a disabled person with chronic pain in an ableist world, Ghost is just too relatable. Which, for a murderer, is a mighty achievement. It doesn’t hurt that Hanna John-Kamen is one of the most beautiful people on the planet. I hope we see more of her in future movies.
3. Grandmaster
He is so adorable and hilarious and charming you forget he’s a slaver (sorry, I meant to say, “employer of prisoners with jobs”) and a villain. Every second he’s on screen is a delight. It doesn’t hurt that everyone in the room with him is clearly having a blast—Jeff Goldblum most of all.
2. Loki
But you knew he’d be on the list, didn’t you? Joy, mischief, pain, humour, and redemption in one very pretty package.
Honorable Mentions:
Klaue (played by Andy Serkis) because of his manic glee.
Hela (Cate Blanchett), for dark joy, shocking power, and for exposing Odin’s awful treatment of her—and his war-mongering/colonialising ways. She has good reason to be angry.
Nebula (Karen Gillan) and Winter Soldier (Sebastian Stan), except that they’re much more interesting as they’re becoming good. As villains, they’re dull (the Winter Soldier is basically a blank slate, which is the point).
1. Erik Killmonger
Killmonger is fundamentally right, both in his personal anger towards the hero (because of the actions of T’Challa’s father and uncle), and in his wider anger about Wakanda’s isolationism when African people around the world are crying out for justice. It is all too close to home for anyone living in the real world right now. He also plays beautifully with stereotypes, deliberately dressing in a way that makes white Americans see him as a thug. And his death breaks our hearts. Put all those elements together, and you have an unforgettable villain.
Do you agree with the list?
Did I forget someone I shouldn’t have?
Sound off in the comics! Let the nerd wars commence.
Felicity Banks 